I've now gone back and read some of the posts. I feel so much for all your adopters out there Buster ItalianGreyhound Lilka Roadwalker missPolly and others - sorry if I've missed anyone out. I know Lilka that most of your problems are over and your DD is growing closer and closer to you. It's great that you can reach out to others who are doubting that this will ever happen for them.
I'm a bit puzzled though by this distinction that seems to be made between RAD and other Attachment problems. Surely all attachment difficulties are reactive, as they are a reaction to not having their needs met in their earliest days, weeks, months and for some being abused/neglected and moved from carer to carer in their formative years.
Isn't the distinction between a secure attachment and an insecure attachment the important one to make. Needless to say, by definition adopted children are almost always going to have an insecure attachment and this will manifest itself in a variety of ways, as so many of you know and are coping with these manifestations on a daily basis.
Attachment theory is just that a theory isn't it, and there are differing views and explanations amongst the experts. As far as I can see, a secure attachment is made when the baby's needs in all respects are met from his first breath, and he is loved unconditionally right from the beginning of his life. This secure attachment with his parents/carers will be a protective factor for him throughout the life span. Conversely babies whose needs are not met, and are abused or neglected will have an insecure attachment pattern. I believe that children will always try to organise themselves so that they can survive in whatever situation they are in, and I don't mean of course that this is done at a conscious level, far from it, as this type of behaviour can be seen in a young baby.
I am thinking of the "frozen watchfulness" of a baby who is abused, who lies still in the pram and doesn't move or make any sound (like a rabbit caught in the headlights) so as not to bring himself to the attention of the abuser. I had learned about this in theory but to actually see it in a 4 months baby was chilling indeed. His 2 year old brother who was also being abused hid behind his bed to keep out of the way of the abuser. In this way children are organising themselves in order to try to survive.
Coming back to insecure attachments, I think they will vary dependent upon the parent/carer. The child who has experienced rejected, interfering and controlling parents will show an avoidant attachment pattern. If these children show distress it annoys the parent and any crying, clinging, following, demanding does not bring the reaction needed - in fact it brings the opposite, Hence these children will minimise that behaviour and will not show their distress. Emotional self containment is established.
Children whose parents are insensitive, unreliable and inconsistently responsive show an ambivalent attachment style and try to maximise their behaviour (whine, cling, fret, shout and threaten in order to break through the parent's emotional neglect, unavailability and lack of response. To the child the parent is emotionally desired but emotionally unavailable and naturally this causes great frustration in the child, and they will tend to have ambivalent feelings towards other people and relationships.
Children who cannot organise their behaviour or develop a strategy to achieve security in any way whatsoever with their parents are usually the children of parents who are severely mentally ill, heavy drug or alcohol users and there is domestic violence. However the child behaves it brings no comfort and so their attachment pattern is seen as incoherent and disorganised and they freeze* (as the baby I described above did) - I wonder if these children are being diagnosed with RAD.
Having said all that does it really matter what diagnosis is attached to these children. They have all been neglected/ill treated in some way and you wonderful adopters are caring for them. I know you won't see yourselves as "wonderful" but that's as maybe. I am allowed to say it!!
AS for help and support - I'm sure that is very patchy. In the LA that I worked in we had a brilliant clinical psychologist who worked exclusively with foster carers and adopters who were parenting children with attachment difficulties. She always pointed out that there is a big gap between the chronological and emotional age of these children and recommended regressing from time to time, playing games meant for younger children, singing nursery rhymes etc obviously not all the time, but for specific periods in the day in possible.
A story that has stuck in my mind is that of an experienced foster carer (a single woman) who long term fostered an 8 year old boy whose parents both had moderate LDs and he was delayed in all respects and should have been moved much earlier. However she regressed sometimes with him (he loved Bob the Builder) at age 8 and she played games with him suitable for 3/4 years etc, She said that one day he was lying on the sofa drinking water out of a sports type bottle, and he clambered onto her lap and cuddled up in the crook of her arm and sucked the bottle, and eventually he handed her the bottle and she found herself giving him the water from the bottle as you would a baby.
She phoned me as she was a bit worried but I thought that was a brilliant way this child felt secure enough to get what he needed/wanted.,
Sorry I've said too much I'm sure.