to no longer sympathise with dh's birth mother.(long: apologies!)

[MillyONaire]

Dh (now 44) was adopted at 10 days old. He was never terribly curious about his birth parents until 9 years ago. He contacted the adoption agency (we're in Ireland where the "child" has no right to any but the most basic, unidentifying information) and spoke with a social worker. She advised him to write to his BM and she would pass the letter on. He did so, saying that he really wanted to know his medical history (I think the SW might have suggested that as a tactic to get her to respond). She did respond immediately with a letter saying how upset and terrified she was to get his letter. That if she had committed a crime she'd have served her time by now and wouldn't have this fear that he would show up at her doorstep. That she never saw or held him and was sedated at the time of his birth. Her parents and siblings knew about him (she was 23 at the time of his birth, his BF was 30!). She was not interested in forming any relationship with him at this stage but maybe in the future - she did ask for a photograph (of him and his dc which he had included but the sw had not forwarded). A year or so ago dh had become very interested in knowing his genetic background and whether he had siblings (he has none in his adoptive family) and found he was always looking at people in the street wondering did they look like him - could they possibly be related (it is a small country!) so he contacted the SW again, wrote another letter but again she is not interested but hasn't quite said so, just that she is not sure yet....So we went to the General Registery and found dh's and his bm's birth cert (his uncle knew her surname) so we know her name (but are not supposed to - she doesn't know this as he is supposed to be respecting her right to anonymity) and where she lived and have seen pictures of his cousins on facebook - a definite family resemblance!!! He is so pleased. But of course this has only whetted his appetite for knowing more - and he still has no clue as to what his BF is like.
Initially I felt sympathy for his BM - it must be awful to feel shame for what must have been a traumatic time in her life - she doesn't appear to have married or had more children. But now we know her DF (his GF!!) died (only) 5 years ago so we can't really see why she would not want to acknowledge him now. I want to feel the sympathy I did initially as dh is increasingly upset by her lack of curiosity/interest in him and I'd like to be able to throw a bit of oil on troubled waters rather than join in giving out about her but I'm thinking: why not!!! HE has not done anything wrong - why shouldn't he know where he comes from - what right does she have to keep that information from him??? I feel I probably am BU so if you can throw a bit of reason on her side of the fence please do and stop me from wanting to post her a letter directly giving her a piece of my mind!!!

I think it's fine to be angry towards her OP. Even if you recognise she probably went through a lot you are still allowed to be angry. I wouldn't go sending any letters though (I know you wouldn't). Although write one to burn or rip up if it would help.

However, the important thing is that your dh is not floored by her response. How is he coping with it? I know men are often reluctant to go to counselling but this is exactly the sort of situation where it might be helpful.

When my auntie got pregnant in the 1960's in Ireland my Grandfather put her in a church home for unmarried mothers. I know its hard to comprehend but it was a taboo where they lived.

I have equal sympathy for your DH and his BM, after all no one would set out to have things turn out like this. Given his adopted mothers stance maybe he should get some counciling.

Ignore my crap spelling!

OP your DH's BM is in her late sixties now. She is of the generations in Ireland who felt terrible shame for having a child out of wedlock.

I also watched Philomena recently, Philomena took 50 years to confess, if confess is the right word, that she had a child out of wedlock in 1950's Ireland.

My auntie had a child out of wedlock in the 50s also. My GM locked my aunt up in Magdalene Asylum and threw away the key. It was only my mother who saved her, she forged my GM's signature, got my aunt out of asylum onto Dublin and put her on boat for Liverpool. My aunt's baby, my cousin was adopted to people in the US we think.

My aunt went on to get married and have a further 7 children.

My mother told us 10 years after my aunts death what had happened.

Get this:
To this day my mother WILL NOT let me or my siblings tell our 7 cousins what happened to their mother and that they have an older brother who could still be living.
I have asked her time and again, that they have a right to know, that they would be grateful to my mother for saving their mother, all to no avail.

She is adamant, she does not want them told. The SHAME is just too great in my mothers mind. Such was the hold of those evil people in Ireland.

OP I know your DH must be upset, really upset but please just let this rest. Forcing the issue would be a mistake I think. Maybe with time his mother will come round to the idea, but dont get his hopes up too much. Maybe just send her cards, photos etc to leave the door open.

As for whether you symphatise or not with her, I'd leave that be too. You really dont know what she went through.

YANBU to be concerned about your DH's feelings and feel sad for him that this is not working out more smoothly.

YABU to be unsympathetic to DH's BM. You have no real idea of what she went through and the circumstances. This may take her some time and she has not said never, she has asked only for time. She did an amazing thing carrying him for 9 months and then giving him up to what, no doubt, she thought would be a better home.

I hope you all get the happy ending you seek.

Pumpkin, truly, in the Ireland of the 1960s, the birth mother didn't have any 'options' at all, if by options you mean freely-chosen choices.

Backstreet abortions were not available in Ireland. The woman would have had to have money to travel, knowledge and contacts in England to try and have one there (pre 1967).

Keeping the baby would only have been an option with the support of a very unusual family, who were somehow unusually resistant to the prevailing ideology, and prepared to deal with complete social outcast status.

Even 'adoption' is a falsely civilised word for the 'option' closest to the one taken. She was quite possibly not informed, and may not have even understood her baby was being taken away - unmarried mothers were treated like sinners and pariahs by the mother and baby homes/Magdalen laundries.

I think it's almost impossible for us to understand the appallingness of the treatment. I teach a topic on Magdalen laundries in a postgraduate course, and every year, foreign visiting students ask with genuine puzzlement why the inmates didn't escape and go to the police or seek legal redress through the justice system against what they see as the religious baddies. It doesn't occur to them that the 'religious baddies' were essentially the police, judge and jury, and that their power in all elements of Irish life can't be overestimated.

OP, I can understand your anger, and your DH's hurt and sense of abandonment. It's hard to see the man you love regarded, not as a human being with rights and feelings, but as an unwelcome reminder of a catastrophic past someone can't bear to remember.

I can see all of the reason you have all put forward. No, I wouldn't really write to her it's just that in my head I think: but he's lovely; you'd be so proud of him DH's BM, and you have two fantastic grandchildren too to be proud of.
Dh has a lovely kind, even temperament - my family think the world of him but my mother, who is a social worker and the same age as his BM is of the mind: leave it be; you don't know what can of worms you'd be opening.
It must have been horrific to find yourself pregnant back then, it would have been my worst nightmare in the 80's as my parents had always threatened a mother and baby home and instant adoption if it happened to me- that fear kept me virginally pure long after most of my peers!!
Funnily enough a good friend, also adopted, traced her bm and while the BM was mad keen to have a relationship my friend was not at all interested - not even in her siblings. Different strokes for different folks I suppose.

Hi,

We're just letting you know that we're going to move this into the adoptions topic.

We're wishing you all the best, Milly.

Milly - don't worry at all about posting in adoptions. This is a support board for all issues related to adoption and you will find many adoptees browse through the boards from time to time who will be able to give you their view as well as us adopters piling in too!

I can only tell you my perpective as an adoptive parent and as someone who has adoption in the family not a disimilar generation to your DH.

I alwyas take the view that DS was the only person with no choice in the adoption triangle (ie me, him and his birth parents) and that it is important for me (in the future) to enable him in making whatever choices he feels he wants to whetehr I agree with them or not. So search for birth parents or not, want more information or not, contact or not. I will support his choice because he wasn't able to choose at the time.

Unfortunately I will not be able to make his birth parents take the same view and I know that his birth mother has already brushed over the traces of her existence and he will be in the position of it being well nigh impossible to trace her. That does make me angry and upset for him - that he will not have the choice because she has removed it from him.

I am angry about it even whilst understanding why she made those choices because it doesn't help him and he is my concern not her. DS should be entitled to information because it is his information and I resent the fact that another person (even his birth mother!) interferes with his right to know things that the rest of us take form granted.

I'm not really sure if thats helpful! But I sympathise at least...

Everything helps Kew! You're right about the no choice part. Dh has sympathy for his BM; he just cannot understand her lack of curiosity about him and bottom line is that he likes to be liked and this feels like not being liked! (he's usually a people-pleaser to a fault). The social worker has recommended he send her a christmas card including his phone number and inviting her to phone him......I'm not sure if this is a good idea but it does feel like the last opportunity he can offer her without it turning into harrassment - or maybe the christmas card will seem like harrassment?

Be careful with a Christmas Card if your DH's existence is still a "secret" in his BM's family. All sorts of members of the household might open an obvious Christmas Card and/or pay attention when the DM is opening it to see who it is from. It might still be ok if you keep it light and innocuous enough eg "Happy Christmas. Love DH PS this is my mobile number should you ever want it" so that it doesn't stand out if someone else reads it. As someone above noted, at the time BM made that heartbreaking decision to give away her son, she was assured life long anonymity and may have conducted future non-disclosures on that understanding.

Also, sorry to say mention this as a possibility, but one can think of reasons why she might not want to be reminded of his existence. Perhaps she had been raped and being reminded of the result of that might be very traumatic . Hopefully that is not the case though!

I do feel for your DH. You are doing a great job supporting him.

I hate being adopted, hate being a dirty little secret, not feeling 'normal'. I've met my birth family and though it has brought me some peace it has caused difficulties with my adoptive mother in particular who has chosen to see it as a personal slight. I would love it if for once she could think of how I feel but that is just not the way she is.

I cried when I read what kewcumber said above about her son having no choice, I wish my mother could see that.

Now I have to think how I will explain it to my dc, I know my mother will take the huff if they talk of it in an innocent childish way so I haven't told them, therefore perpetuating the dirty little secret. It's hard. I'm doing it wrong.

Sorry for self indulgent hijack op, I really feel for your dh. No advice but he's lucky to have you :)

Blobby - I would like to think that adoptive parents are better prepared for discussing adoption with their children these days. There is a tendency in the early days to almost pretend that your child is "yours" and airbrush out birth parents a bit. But when I look back, I think this is perhaps part of the process of bonding and that you need to go through that slightly obsessive/possessive phase. It did wear off in my case as I became more secure with DS (and I think it does with most parents) and whilst I would no doubt be a bit jealous if DS were ever to contact him birth mother, I would be mortified if he realised that. Like any parent I want him to be happy and I can't pretend that his birth family aren't a part of who he is and I love who he is so ignoring their existence seems a bit counter intuitive!

That's not really helpful to you and I am lucky that I adopted in an age where adoption is not considered to be a secret, private yes but not secret.

Your birth family are a part of who you are and they are a part of who your DC are and you have every right to "own" that. Having said that - we all want the approval of our parents so I can understand that you would find it difficult to raise.

However remember that her desire to ignore it doesn't trump your desire to discuss it with your children, in fact your wishes come first (IMVHO!), she had her chance to make the choices she wanted to, now its your turn to make yours.

How old are your DC's - tell your mother they are going to be discussing genetics/family characteristics /sex education at school so you will be explaining adoption to them in case they mention it to her. Then tell them in as casual and matter of fact way as you can.

I think there might be a thread somewhere on someone wanting to tell their children, I'll look for it when I have time later.

Thank you Kewcumber, what a lovely kind reply, really cheered me up, just knowing t that some people get it! Op I hope your husband gets some resolution xxx

He sent her a christmas card (through the social worker) and her reaction (via the sw again) was somewhat disgust and moaning and put out!! I am so upset on his behalf. I was listening on the radio today about Philomena's story and I know that dh would just want a mother who wanted to know about him and was interested in him and not this (his adoptive mother has always been totally self obsessed/narcissistic type) which sounds like almost a worse version of his adoptive mother! SO disappointing and not much hope of finding out who his birth father was either. Our neighbours care more for dh than either of his mothers!! What bad luck.

MillyONaire how terrible.

Very sorry to hear your DH's story, the situation must be very hard.

Would some counselling help your DH to come to terms with the situation and move on. He has you now and maybe the fact that she has been so cold may in the long run be easier than if she blowed hot and cold? I am so sorry to hear your DH's story, it must be very frustrating.

Wishing that 2014 would bring better things for you both.