to no longer sympathise with dh's birth mother.(long: apologies!)

[MillyONaire]

Dh (now 44) was adopted at 10 days old. He was never terribly curious about his birth parents until 9 years ago. He contacted the adoption agency (we're in Ireland where the "child" has no right to any but the most basic, unidentifying information) and spoke with a social worker. She advised him to write to his BM and she would pass the letter on. He did so, saying that he really wanted to know his medical history (I think the SW might have suggested that as a tactic to get her to respond). She did respond immediately with a letter saying how upset and terrified she was to get his letter. That if she had committed a crime she'd have served her time by now and wouldn't have this fear that he would show up at her doorstep. That she never saw or held him and was sedated at the time of his birth. Her parents and siblings knew about him (she was 23 at the time of his birth, his BF was 30!). She was not interested in forming any relationship with him at this stage but maybe in the future - she did ask for a photograph (of him and his dc which he had included but the sw had not forwarded). A year or so ago dh had become very interested in knowing his genetic background and whether he had siblings (he has none in his adoptive family) and found he was always looking at people in the street wondering did they look like him - could they possibly be related (it is a small country!) so he contacted the SW again, wrote another letter but again she is not interested but hasn't quite said so, just that she is not sure yet....So we went to the General Registery and found dh's and his bm's birth cert (his uncle knew her surname) so we know her name (but are not supposed to - she doesn't know this as he is supposed to be respecting her right to anonymity) and where she lived and have seen pictures of his cousins on facebook - a definite family resemblance!!! He is so pleased. But of course this has only whetted his appetite for knowing more - and he still has no clue as to what his BF is like.
Initially I felt sympathy for his BM - it must be awful to feel shame for what must have been a traumatic time in her life - she doesn't appear to have married or had more children. But now we know her DF (his GF!!) died (only) 5 years ago so we can't really see why she would not want to acknowledge him now. I want to feel the sympathy I did initially as dh is increasingly upset by her lack of curiosity/interest in him and I'd like to be able to throw a bit of oil on troubled waters rather than join in giving out about her but I'm thinking: why not!!! HE has not done anything wrong - why shouldn't he know where he comes from - what right does she have to keep that information from him??? I feel I probably am BU so if you can throw a bit of reason on her side of the fence please do and stop me from wanting to post her a letter directly giving her a piece of my mind!!!

ScandinavianPrincess - thank you, you have pretty much hit the nail on the head there - and you're right he should not have to feel it is secret. His adoptive mother is not a strong or supportive person and while her siblings all know and are very supportive of Dh's search everybody feels that this is not something she needs to be told. His (adoptive) father died when he was in his 20's but that side of the family all know and are also supportive. Dh is adored by his extended family but has sometimes felt (through no fault of theirs) that he does not belong (possibly because of his adoptive mothers lack of support/interest in him).
Blissx that is it too: "that all that I had imagined since i was little was wrong."
Every birthday since I've known him dh had mentioned that out there is some woman thinking of him and to realise that this seemingly is not true at all must be difficult.
I suppose it is possible that she did not give him a second thought and is cold as ice naturally and does not regret what might have been! Dh would feel it unkind to contact members of her family as he does feel it is her "secret" not his: tricky that one as they are also his family members.

It is also possible that giving up her baby under such traumatic circumstances caused her to shut herself off emotionally. Just so that she could cope. Either way, it is your DH's feelings that matter, for you. The advice up thread to talk to a professional might help; the Post Adoption Centre was fantastic for me and it is free. That, and lots of hugs from you!

OP, there are various people who post on the adoption forum other than those trying to adopt (including birth parents). And your problem isn't trivial at all.

Adoption in England now is very different to in the past, with most adopted children having some form of contact with their birth patents. I find this quite hard sometimes, even though I knew it was part of the deal in adopting DD, but hearing the consequences of not having some form of relationship or not telling children from the outset that they are adopted reminds me why it is best for her.

OP, my heart goes out to you. Whatever the rights and wrongs of a situation, it must hurt horribly to see someone you love being treated this way.

Does anyone want to look at this from the birthmother's point of view? When OP's DH was adopted, his mother was protected by confidentiality. Changes in the law mean he was able to contact her, but it doesn't mean she has to discuss things.
In the long run, I'm not sure open adoption is best for all. People need to put things behind them.

Are you sure that the SW did indeed get in contact with the BM? A lot of funky things went on with adoptions in predominantly Catholic countries at that time (look up the 'ninos robados' cases in Spain which went on for over fifty years to the early 80s - involving tens of thousands of children from both unwed and married parents). It also happened a fair bit in Australia. I wouldn't necessarily be trusting the agency he was adopted through to be telling the truth. It's quite possible they never stored information about the BM and just got someone in their office to write up those letters.

Op I feel for you and your dh but I must say I do not agree with all you say. From the outside I also understand why his bm doesn't want to revisit the past. I don't think she should have to either. I know it's painful, I have some personal experience of adoption, and all the unanswered questions, but I don't think you can place so much blame on this woman. We don't know what she went through. She tried to do right by your dh when she gave him up, presumably for a better life. I wish you both a happy life and I hope you can look towards the future, together.

"what right does she have to keep that information from him?"

Well she has every right, doesn't she?

Nobody can, or should, force this relationship on her if she doesn't want it.

It's very sad that she doesn't want the contact that she could have with your DH and I'm sure she's really missing out.

But it's her decision. And not one you're ever likely to have any real understanding of.

Unless she changes her mind at some point, but that doesn't seem likely based on what has happened to date.

Hello OP.
The bms of children adopted pre 1975 were told under no circumstances would their details be passed on to the bdc.
I know you are Ireland and not under English Law, but still it is a huge shock to them when you get in touch.
Sometimes you do end up with not much and I sympathise with your dh. If she is not an open amiable person after a decent amount of time, like it sounds, then he really is better off not being in a position to build a relationship.
My bm died before I got to meet her, but the coldness I get from your dhs bm sounds similar to what I heard about mine.
Be there for him, listen and empathise, it may just be the cross he has to bare.

Op, meant to say. If I can help just from my experience you can pm me anytime you like.

They were told they would never be contacted and have spent their lives dreading being found, especially since the advent of the internet and the dreaded Facebook.
I wouldn't be judging her too harshly, and I say that as an adopted child myself, none of us who haven't had to give up our Children know how it is and for each BM it will be different.
You don't know the circumstances of your DHs conception for one thing, and the shame from those very different years may weigh very heavily on her.
As for calling her cold, that again is projecting how you think she should feel, you don't know the woman, you don't know what her family were like when they found out.
I am older than your DH, I could find out if I wanted, but I have my own family now and that suits me just fine.
All you can do is be supportive and love him and let him know his family love him too.

I also think your DH probably needs to come to terms with the fact his BM just doesn't want contact. I mean that language she used in her letter: upset, terrified, if she'd committed a crime at least she'd have served her time by now... it speaks volumes.

I think trying to force further contact will only result in massive upset on both sides.

It's very sad for both of them.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like she wants to know him. She probably has her reasons. As others have mentioned, the circumstances of conception and/or birth may have been very traumatic for her.

I definitely wouldn't force more contact than she wants. If your DH feels rejected now, just wait until he shows up on her doorstep and she slams the door in her face. He'll feel ten times worse.

I can sympathize. A good friend of mine is adopted, and wanted to get to know her birth mother but her birth mother didn't feel the same way at all. It caused her an awful lot of pain. Has your DH considered counselling? I'd certainly advocate counselling before I'd advocate violating his birth mother's confidentiality.

I really do feel for your DH, it must be so hurtful for him. However, I see his BMs point of view too. My own DM had a son (before me and out of wedlock) as for a variety of reasons that I'm not going into, she was forced to give him up for adoption. She certainly didn't do this lightly and she was suicidal she was that devastated.

Years later, she married an had us, and we ever knew about our brother until he got in contact when I was 18. DM was more than happy to form a relationship with him (at his own pace), but the emotional side was very traumatic for her. It brought back all the memories of that truly horrific time in her life and she was unwell for some time trying to come to terms with all that happened.

I guess I'm trying to say don't judge his BM too harshly. You don't know the circumstances of her life and your DHs adoption. What you take to be coldness may be emotional detachment and self preservation. Who knows what hell she went through. Unfortunately your DH may need to accept that this won't be the happy ending he hopes for and will nee your support. I certainly wouldn't write to his BM to give her a piece of your mind, and unfortunately yes she does have the right to withhold contact and information.

Ask for this to be moved to Adoptions, you'll get tons of good advice there.

Of course you're going to feel all those things in reaction to how it might affect your husband but you don't know the birth mothers story or history or her own ability to cope.

I have things in my own past that have happened to me and i haven't fully come to terms with and I cope any way I can so as not to fall apart. Some people simply aren't in a situation where they can give or behave rationally.

Its her right not to give any information if she doesn't want to, but equally she cannot compel your DH from trying to find out information, or indeed keeping his existence secret so as not to bother her. I found this remark chillingly unempathetic:

She did respond immediately with a letter saying how upset and terrified she was to get his letter. That if she had committed a crime she'd have served her time by now and wouldn't have this fear that he would show up at her doorstep

Its all about her, isn't it? People can adapt and cope with all sorts, and they do all the time.

I think it's really sad that people who created whole new people don't feel they owe them even the most basic answers.

Being that abortions are and were illegal in Ireland, and the huge amount of shame. The fact she has told you that she had to be sedated and never wanted to hold him or have any contact, suggests to me that this was a massively traumatic event. Your dh was very likely conceived of abuse, and really should back off and stop trying to contact.

I can understand this is not the adopted childs fantasy reunion, but it very often isnt.

Im really sorry for both your dh and his BM

LessMissAbs, you cannot say what other people have to adapt and cope with, it's not you.
Maybe others can do it, this Woman obviously doesn't feel she can nor even want to.
That has to be her choice.
Yes, to her it is all about her, she gave her child to a better life than she could offer him and it sounds like he has a good life.

Fantasies about BPs may be common but are not usually remotely true.

The DH can find out all he wants but he cannot, and neither should the OP, try to shame this woman into a relationship that never was in the first place.
That would be wrong and cruel, her life was probably devastated once before, why should it be again.

Interesting topic. This is DHs situation only a decade younger (early 80s). It's worth noting that his BM also kept it a complete secret from everyone bar the father. Culturally Ireland did treat unmarried motherhood as a source of shame and therefore cause for secrecy, well into the 90s. Her parents never knew. This is a well-educated professional woman now, a university student at the time. Her DC never knew either until DH got in touch in his 20s. Her husband (not DHs father) did know, but that's not always the case.

When the BM revealed his existence to her DCs some time later, there was a family falling out. So I can understand the reluctance of a BM to open her life to the upheaval this would cause. And it did cause a fair amount of upheaval in my DHs BM's life. For years after there was no contact because her DC did not want to know and were very upset. There is shock, there is family upset and ill-feeling, a lot of raking up the past that happens where the adoptee cannot see. I do sympathise. There is a lot to deal with. And as someone says, they gave up a baby, not an adult. DHs BM has had to deal with the recent arrival in her life, not of a much-missed infant, but a grown man in his 30s with his own family.

We are lucky. We do have a relationship with the family now, a dozen years after he sent the first letter. It has taken time, a lot of time, and a lot of effort. And a grandchild.

DH and I watched Philomena together recently. The events of that film were set a good 20 years before he was born, but there were certain elements of it - like a mention of the catholic adoption society he went through - that seemed to really strike him. Philomena Lee might be a lot older than most BMs living now who went through a similar situation, but the catholic cultural mindset persisted for a lot longer than just her generation.

I would tend to agree that other forums will have more informed advice

I think this unfortunately goes into the category of "shitty things that happen in life"

what scandi princess says is sadly very true and common

you cant change this situation or her, just be there for him you sound like a lovely wife XXXXX

The BH had 3 choices:

1). Keep the baby and raise it
2) Backstreet abortion
3) Adoption with the assurance the records would be sealed and the child could never contact her.

For reasons no one can guess, 1) was not an acceptable option to her. Perhaps she considered 2) but also decided that was not acceptable either. Perhaps 2) would have been a consideration but for the guarantee of anonymity that came with 3). In other words, had she known the conditions attached to 3) would have one day been overturned, perhaps option 2) would have become the reality.

The situation your husband now finds himself is desperately sad, and I agree with the posters who recommend counseling. But this is a woman who gave birth 40 years ago in Catholic Ireland in circumstances we-know-not-what, and gave the child up with an assurance that has since been rescinded. No-one has the right to force a relationship, particularly with someone who has made it brutally clear she doesn't want one.

I was adopted as a baby along with my half brother when he was 1-2ish. And while I don't have many feelings about it either way, I think alot of adopted people want that 'I was made to give you up, I've regretted it ever since, I've always loved you' response, and I'm so sorry your DH had to read such a shitty letter.

She doesn't sound like bothering with & I would have told her to get fucked by now, but I understand about his medical history, siblings ect. That's the only thing if like to know. I always get asked if I'm Spanish, but I honestly don't have any idea.

& I've never met anyone IRL who's adopted & that's also another thing I want to do, just to see what happened to them, if that makes any sense.

OP, My mother gave a daughter up for adoption (In Ireland) prior to meeting my DF and having us. I just wanted to give her side. It was hugely traumatic for her regarding the shame and the way she was treated but curiously enough not in regards to the child. She went on to be a very withdrawn mother with us and I feel this was why. I found out when I was about 15 but it was when she was having a tough time mentally and it was very much a 'poor me' conversation. She told me the wrong sex and wrong birthday, I think she was trying not to think about the actual child and wanted to focus on the circumstances she 'endured'.
A number of years later my older sister contacted us but it was not very successful. My mother lied, especially about the father, and embellished throughout. We now have no contact with my sister, I would love her to get in contact but at the time she was very focussed on gaining information rather than building a relationship and as I could be no help she walked away, I feel punished for my mothers actions. I do hope as we all mature she re-establishes contact.
I do think having the baby, the subsequent adoption and the secrecy surrounding irreversibly mentally damaged my mother (similar to PTSD) - I feel without counselling she will never face the truth and that's very unlikely.
Please reassure your Dh it is no way his fault, but devastating though it is for him she may never face this.