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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

birth children and want to adopt........

48 replies

CarlyP · 26/06/2006 12:53

has anyone on here got 'birth' children and adopted.

we have 2 ds's and i had awful awful probelms. due an op in july which will leave me infertile.

i dont want this to be the 'end' of extending our family and we have talked briefly about adopting after a cpl of yrs.

would this still be viable?

thanks

OP posts:

suejonez · 30/06/2006 12:46

Oh and I should add that SS do not consider childless couples "ideal", they much prefer people with parenting experience IME.

Nanou1 · 30/06/2006 13:29

am thinking to try adoption cos not sure i can go through ivf again. interesting posts. what a journey... nothing to say really; just thank you to all for sharing your experiences

suejonez · 30/06/2006 13:36

I had three IVF attempts before deciding to move on to adoption. I think you're relatively loacl to me Nanou if you want to chat about it privately.

Nanou1 · 30/06/2006 13:47

would be lovely suejonez w3/w4/w5. got very lucky and dd born after 2nd ivf. cousin going through ivf and it has just been so horrible and sad for them so far that i am not sure i can go through it all again myself.

suejonez · 30/06/2006 13:51

I'm in Kew - happy to meet for a coffee over a weekend? email me suejonez @ aol.com

Nanou1 · 30/06/2006 14:07

would be lovely. next free sat is 22 jul. or we are looking at 5 aug and then sept. are you planning to go to the next dinner on 27 jul?

suejonez · 30/06/2006 14:14

Yes will be going to dinner - are you? We could always have a chat there - otherwise I think 22 July is OK. Email me and I'll give you my phone number.

Nanou1 · 30/06/2006 14:19

i am planning to go and hope i wont forget like the last one.... but now i am working i can access the net everyday so i really don't have any excuse not to be there. would probably be easier to meet on 22 jul though if you dont mind... will email you to get your number and we can arrange. really appreciate your offer sue. x

suejonez · 30/06/2006 14:29

no problem, other people helped me during both IVF and adoption - happy to pass it on.

mrsnoah · 30/06/2006 23:16

Sue will do that , thanks

Original poster

CarlyP · 05/09/2006 12:39

hi everyone!

i had my op last mth. things still a bit 'raw' as i had a m/c ikn march and baby would be due now. but im still thinknig about adoption.

i was discussing this with my DH and he is worried about as we have 2 ds's, if we adopt another DS would we compare them all? i.e. ds 1 and 2 have 'our' tr4aits where as ds3 doesnt? would it be better to try to adopt a DD?

thanks

OP posts:

suejoneziscalmernow · 05/09/2006 12:46

I know that someone on here has adopted and birth children (it'll come back to me in a minute!) so they could probably comment, but I know plenty of people who have birth children and gone on to adopt from China - couldn;t get mnore different and they love all their children differently but equally - just like your birth children ie what you value in them is different because they are different personalities.

Does your DH love your children because they look like him or have a similar talent to him then? I suspect not.

There is a lovely book written to talk about transracial adoption but works equally well for mixed race families or adoptive families who look very dissimilar.

It's called "I don't have your eyes" and makes comparisons between surface similarities and deeper bonds eg I don't have your eyes, but I have your way of looking at things; I don't have your feet but I love to dance like you etc etc.

Does your husband love you? I only ask because presumably the only traits you have in common are those that are either co-incidental or have grown since you have met due to sharing alife together.

I'm sure someoone with more experience can say all of that more elloguently!

Original poster

CarlyP · 05/09/2006 12:54

hi sue!

i think that was very well put! totally understand what you are saying. im not sure on his views about adopting from abroad are, i dont tihnk he'd be that keen. but im not sure. will have to discuss tonight.

my main conern is that id never want to compare and say things like 'well ds1 and ds2 are like grandad/uncle etc' and then 'wonder' where ds3 got his 'traits' from IYSWIM.

this is obviously something we have to talk about and discuss more and more over the coming months before we even go to the local authority adoption seminar.

how are things with you??

OP posts:

suejoneziscalmernow · 05/09/2006 13:13

things are manic Carly!

I didn;t mean to suggest that you adopt from abraod I meant that of childrne can cope with one child who is biological white and one who is non-bio chinese - I'm sure you'd cope!

Yes there are additional things to consider with children were adopted but they are managable. The trainaing courses teahc you about these kind of issues - you don't just get sent off without any support.

suejoneziscalmernow · 05/09/2006 13:14

that should read:

I meant that if children

WeaselMum · 05/09/2006 13:35

suejonez - started to read this thread as I am considering adopting a second child rather than ttc again (ds only 13 weeks though so not going to register etc yet) but then saw that you're adopting from overseas. A friend of mine has had six ivf attempts and gone on to be approved to adopt from overseas - her papers go to China soon! I think they were very lucky to get to that stage in only 8 months or so. Anyway, if you have any details of the book you mentioned on transracial adoption I would love to get it for her. Hope that all goes well for you.

suejoneziscalmernow · 05/09/2006 14:35

It's by Carrie Kitze - "I don't have your eyes". If you can't find it on amazon try a company called EMK press, they do mostly adoption books, site is a bit unclear though!

If they are DTC in about 8 months they will be doing it incredibly fast! Quite often the wait for a homestudy is 6 months. The current referral times for CHina a quite long 12 -18 months so they still have a wait in store for them.

WeaselMum · 05/09/2006 19:51

yes, they have been very complimentary about their social worker who seems to be very efficient! The hope is that they may have their little girl by Christmas 2007. sounds like this is realistic.

suejoneziscalmernow · 05/09/2006 22:13

Doesn't sound impossible, no. China speeds up and slows down from time to time, but is in one of its slower phases at the moment so hopefully won;t get any slower for them.

christie1 · 08/10/2006 20:58

can I add a diffent perspective. I am one of 4 and my youngest brother was adopted after my mom had the 3 of us (all girls)(after m/c). He was and always is just my brother. It was always open in my family and my brother treated it as a point of pride, hey, I'm adopted kind of thing. He did search out his birth mom as an adult and introduced me to his 1/2 sisters (a bit wierd) but didn't affect our family relationships at all, it was something he had to do and we respected it and supported him. My mom and dad in their will left him the "family land" not worth much but been passed down to the a few generations. I asked once if it was sexist reasons ie he was the only boy. They said no, they wanted it clear that he was fully family and so they left the family land. I thought it was really nice thing to do given the symbolic importance of this land to our extended family.

heifer · 09/10/2006 16:33

I was adopted and my parents already had 2 birth sons. They are my brothers, and have never felt any different about them or my parents..

As far as I know they don't see me any diffently (I certainly haven't ever felt it)...

The 3 of were always treated exactly the same. Loved the same..

This was back in the days when adoption was much easier, as my parents could have childen, but as they already had 2 boys, they wanted a girl...

The funny thing is that I was such a tomboy, so my mum never got the girlie girl she wanted, but I know that I made up for it in other ways....

Hope this helps your decision.

Go for it....

whiffy · 10/10/2006 11:41

exactly the same here - I'm adopted my two brothers weren't. no negative experiences at all. go for it.

hertsnessex · 12/10/2006 11:46

im thinking about this again. going to look into it more thoroughly.

i still think we would have 'issues' as we have 2 birth children. and i read somwhere it could take 8YRS to get a child??....

thanks for sharing your experiences

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