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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

birth children and want to adopt........

48 replies

CarlyP · 26/06/2006 12:53

has anyone on here got 'birth' children and adopted.

we have 2 ds's and i had awful awful probelms. due an op in july which will leave me infertile.

i dont want this to be the 'end' of extending our family and we have talked briefly about adopting after a cpl of yrs.

would this still be viable?

thanks

cx

OP posts:
Wordsmith · 26/06/2006 21:54

My niece has 3 birth children (all boys) aged 8-16 and has been approved to adopt a little girl aged between about 3 and 6. It shouldn't be a problem at all. Good luck - but be preapred for a long wait...

suejonez · 26/06/2006 23:48

exisitn birth children are no bar (and some councils prefer experienced parents) but you must adopt in birth order (ie you would be expecetd to adopt a younger child than your exisitng ones. the wait will depend on where you are in the country.

Original poster
CarlyP · 27/06/2006 08:16

hi,

many thanks for replying.

we would want to adopt younger and not worried about boy/girl.

thanks

cx

OP posts:
suejonez · 27/06/2006 09:33

Average adoption takes about 2 years from start to finish so you should talk to your council about it shortly. They will come and do an assessment visit and let you know what/if any problems there are.

I'm not an expert in domestic adoption but I know that your chances of adopting a younger child ie under 5 increase depending on where you are in the country. Alternatively many people have recommended voluntary agencies like Thomas Coram, Catholic Childrens society. Talk to a few of them and pick one that you feel comfortable with.

Good luck

mumo75 · 28/06/2006 20:57

Hello CarlyP we have 3 birth children & 2 adopted children my B childern are 19, 18 +14 and my A children are 11 + 5 and we also have 2 foster children aged 3 +2

suejonez · 28/06/2006 22:03

Hey CarlyP just realised you're the same person who just posted on Tamba's thread about being in London. If you meet us for lunch (or water) then I can bore you both to death with adoption stories!

suejonez · 28/06/2006 22:04

Man, mumo75 I'm struggling to adopt one - hats off to you! I'd like to foster but one thing at a time!

Original poster
CarlyP · 29/06/2006 08:58

would lvoe to meet up and talk about the adoption thing. its early days yet. my boys are 1.5 and 2.5 yrs, but as im going in for an op on 26/7 which will leave me unable to carry any more, i don't want this to be the 'end' iyswim. i was reg in dec, m/c in feb/mar. wondering what th enext steps are?......

OP posts:
Poshpaws · 29/06/2006 09:13

CarlyP, I am looking into doing what you are doing (two boys of my own 4.5 and 1).

My local authority holds informal meetings about 4 times a year for those who want more information on adoption to come along and find out more. I found this out on their website. Maybe yours does something similar.

Good luck with your op and adoption plans

Original poster
CarlyP · 29/06/2006 13:27

just had a nose on baaf and local authority websites. have sent off for information packs.

cx

OP posts:
Original poster
CarlyP · 29/06/2006 13:28

my spelling is awful! sorry!

OP posts:
Patttsy · 29/06/2006 14:34

CarlyP,

I have 2 birth children and adopted ds. We found it a very positive experience, really special. The fact that you have solid parenting experience and have 'support networks in existence and operation' (social work lingo) is a plus point.

My ds arrived aged 8 months!

suejonez · 29/06/2006 15:15

Poshpaws - you need to be a bit careful about language in the adoption world - some poeple will jump on you from a great height for describing your children as your "own". It doesn't worry me (nor I suspct any of the adoptive parents on this group I've spoken to). But some of the adoption specific boards are VERY into PC adoption language - birth not "own" or "natural".

I got pilloried quite recently for talking about boys being "available" for adoption and was accused of making it sound like I was shopping for a child. I was very restrained and didn't say "FFS, shove off and get a life"!

I am very conscious of my language when talking about adoption to non-adopters but like all these things some people take it much further than others.

Hope you don't mind me making the comment, as I said its not something that bothers me unduly.

suejonez · 29/06/2006 15:17

and is that Patttsy the accountant?! I seem to be falling over people from other threads on this one!

beemail · 29/06/2006 17:12

Yes it is true I think you do have to be a little careful in how you describe children in your family because ultimately that is something which could matter a great deal to them. We have 2 children whom we have adopted and they dislike anyone referring to them as not real siblings and say they are "our children" . I think if not decribed as not natural, not real and not ours those negative terms can be quite painful for children who already have quite a lot to cope with. I don't think I realised the importance of all this until our children actually joined us and became old enough to make their feelings known on this issue!
i have known of some exceptions to the birth order rule but generally it seems to be birth order and with 2 yr gaps. Ours are 2 yrs apart to the week!
Would agree than proven parenting skills are an advantage and could help to speed the process in some circs.
Would rec contacting various agencies VA and SS in your area and ask how long it would be before they could start home study and then find out how long they want you to stay reg with them waiting for them to place a child before they will allow you to contatc other authorities and letting them know that you are available as approved adopters. Good luck it's hopefully the start of an exciting journey

suejonez · 29/06/2006 17:42

Nicely put Beemail, when I said I wasn't unduly worried about the term "own" I really mean that I understand that generally people mean "birth" and they mean no offence by it. I normally just point out that my child will be very much mine, though the labour will be somewhat unconventional! Using the words "own" in other contexts can make them realise how little sense the word makes in the context of any relationship ie - is that your own DH? You would assume they meant - your own or someone else's, you wouldn't assume they meant did you produce him from your own body - it would make sense at all.

Only if I think people are just being nosy/intrusive, am I less forgiving.

I have a little pet foible - I always refer to an adoption as something which HAS happened rather than something perpetually in the present. "Was your child adopted" rather than "is your child adopted" - it always feels to me that adopted children are perpetually in the process of being adopted, whereas birth children were born once and move on to become other things, but the birth is always referred to in the past tense.

Is that a silly hang-up to have? I've never discussed it with anyone as I feel I'm being sensitive about it. It's not that I plan to ignore my childs adoption story and will obviously discuss it with them as often as I/they feel the need to.

beemail · 29/06/2006 20:59

Yes it is true I think you do have to be a little careful in how you describe children in your family because ultimately that is something which could matter a great deal to them. We have 2 children whom we have adopted and they dislike anyone referring to them as not real siblings and say they are "our children" . I think if not decribed as not natural, not real and not ours those negative terms can be quite painful for children who already have quite a lot to cope with. I don't think I realised the importance of all this until our children actually joined us and became old enough to make their feelings known on this issue!
i have known of some exceptions to the birth order rule but generally it seems to be birth order and with 2 yr gaps. Ours are 2 yrs apart to the week!
Would agree than proven parenting skills are an advantage and could help to speed the process in some circs.
Would rec contacting various agencies VA and SS in your area and ask how long it would be before they could start home study and then find out how long they want you to stay reg with them waiting for them to place a child before they will allow you to contatc other authorities and letting them know that you are available as approved adopters. Good luck it's hopefully the start of an exciting journey

beemail · 29/06/2006 21:07

Whoops how did the repeat happen? sorry.
Yes I agree about "are adopted" and there are many other foibles I now have which i certainly didn't have before we started our adoption journey!
It's certainly adds an extra dimension to parenting

mrsnoah · 29/06/2006 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

nicnack2 · 29/06/2006 22:07

can i put a different slant on this. I have had my ss live with us for the last 4 years. his father had custody we married 4 years. we have gone on to have two ds of our own. i do feel very differently towards my ss than i do my own and although i am not saying that it would happen to you you must be aware of that.i thought that i would be able to treat my ss as my own. i did until my ds1 came along. i am not proud of it. I know of many adopted children whose parent are their parents and in families that already have children there is no difference. Knowing what i do now about my feelings i know that i could not adopt a child. good luck. there is usually a foster and adoption team in the lcoal council to give you advice or contact Barnardos.

Poshpaws · 29/06/2006 22:18

Oo, thanks for enlightening me. Am very aware of acceptable terms in other areas, but was not aware of this.

Thanks again and no offence taken

suejonez · 29/06/2006 23:40

Do I understand from your post nicnack2 that your ss came as part of the package when you met your dh? I can't tell from your post. If thats the case then I think it is a very different position to choosing to adopt, I'm sure many people have a less parental (for want of a better word) feeling for their step children than for their own (whether by birth or adoption). I'm guessing that he does not feel like your child, but thats because he isn't, he is your DH's child.

I'm not saying that all adoptions are succesful but then not all parent/child relationships are successful generally. I would venture to guess that having struggled for around two years with a sometimes demanding and emotional process, most parents would feel committed to their child. Those without that degree of commitment just dont last the course.

suejonez · 29/06/2006 23:49

mrsnoah, I can only talk about my experiences. The journey for me has been long (about 2 yrs, 3 months and counting) but it is not that long for many others. Depending on the age of child you are approved for, I would say around 2 yrs for a child under 3 (ish) less for an older child but it does vary depending on the area you are.

I didn't personally find the process overly scary, the home study is intrusive and at times seems completely pointless (do they really need to know about my university boyfriend from 20 yrs ago?!) and you need to be prepared to discuss many aspects of your life that you currently take for granted. How do you discipline your children, what is important to you/your family, why are you adopting, how was your childhood and what have you learnt from it etc.

I had about 7-8 visits of about 90 mins each over a three month period and a very practical social worker who was very efficient so I was lucky.

th most difficult part for me has been the waiting and the fact that lots of people have been allowed to an opinion about my life. However I treated the process like a job interview and that owrked for me - social services need tofind out what kind of parent/person you are and whether it would be in the best interests of a child to be placed with you. It's your job to get that information across to them.

If you are determined enough you will get there but it has to be something you want enough to let people (metaphorically) rummage through your underwear draw.

mrsnoah · 30/06/2006 10:15

Thanks Sue. Feel confident in the way I bring up my children and dont have any skeletons, but then just have no concept of the kind of things they will ask.
Have 2 older children and a baby so would be eligible for an under 2 yrs child (As the adopted child has to be youngest I realise).
This would be accurate a couple of yrs down the line thru the processes.
Am aware that the younger children in UK are have homes waiting for them particularly with childless couples which of course is ideal.
We feel it would be better to adopt from overseas but there seems to be such stigma on MNet attached to this.
.. we are a average english family and the inter race adopting seems a very emotive topic.

suejonez · 30/06/2006 12:45

Can I be really blunt?

Sod what anyone else thinks you need to do what is right for you and your family. You will be raising this child and no-one on MN is going to be getting up at 3 oclock in the morning to calm your screaming child so they are not entitled to an opinion.

Actually, they are entitled to their opinion but you don't have to agree with or listen to it!

I'm adopting overseas though know a fair amount about the UK system as I looked into it carefully before choosing to go overseas. If you want more information about ICA CAT me and we can do it in privacy away from the "judges" of MN. I should add that I've only had one overtly "anti" person on here (may be more but they've kept it to themselves which is fine).