Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Newbies

999 replies

Italiangreyhound · 12/09/2012 01:36

Hi I am a newbie and only just started this journey, officially made the call last week.

Just interested how may other newbies are out there who are still in the early stages. I keep coming across people and recognising names. Anyone want to let on what stage they are at?

OP posts:
Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 20/02/2014 00:39

Cheery people told me I would know and I did not believe them. I really feel now that it is true! We are very close!

OP posts:
CheeryGiraffe · 20/02/2014 11:35

Thanks guys. I know exactly what you mean about the house thing, Inthebeginning. Our house didn't match our 'wish list' on paper, but when we viewed it, I just knew. I guess I just need to have more confidence in my gut! Good luck for April - it'll be here before you know it! Our panel is at the end of March so I am starting to count down days. Grin

Italiangreyhound - have you been matched? I had no idea! Congratulations! It's so exciting.

Today I am definitely more excited than terrified!

Choccyjules · 20/02/2014 19:22

Today DD met the SW. SW battled valiantly through lots of questions with DD (5) giving lots of 'don't know' answers. Though she did offer her old toddler bed up and said she'd be sure to put her lego up high so the new child didn't eat it. I think that's as much as you can expect from a young child!

namechangesforthehardstuff · 20/02/2014 19:35

Yes italian - is there something we should know? Spill! or don't, totally up to you and we respect your privacy n'all Grin

Choccyjules · 20/02/2014 20:50

Back from checking the thread...Italian?!

Inthebeginning · 20/02/2014 22:02

What have I missed? italian ?????????

prumarth · 22/02/2014 07:45

Panel for us on Wednesday. Nervous energy has kicked in now and the house has been cleaned from top to bottom. Next stop is my poor, neglected allotment. Roll on Wednesday...

MrsM2509 · 22/02/2014 08:40

We are abouts month into assessment, had our prep groups and medicals and met with our social worker 5/6 times. Next week she is going to do individual meetings with us, me one week, then my husband the next.

I totally get why they do this, but just wondered what questions they ask? Is it about yourself personally or is it what you think of each other? In out first meeting we had to speak about each other to her which was fine. Just looking for a heads up as my mind can go blank when I'm on the spot

Thanks in advance guys

Choccyjules · 22/02/2014 11:45

Our individual ones were her going through some of that long questions document with us, you know the one where you have to answer questions on your childhood, likes and dislikes, previous relationships etc. She apparently asked us both how we got together. It was mostly stuff about our own experiences, not each other.

MrsM2509 · 22/02/2014 16:14

Ah ok, so just going over stuff you'd already discussed and maybe elaborating on it a bit more?

Thanks

Choccyjules · 22/02/2014 17:34

Some we'd touched on but most of it was detail we hadn't looked at. It may well be stuff you've covered when meeting her together. Am not really sure why we had to have a separate one as none of it was what you'd think of as private stuff (is anything?!). She basically just used the time to work through the question sheet, which she could have done together but I suppose it's best use of time. Meaning that DH doesn't need to sit through two hours of me being grilled about being bullied.

namechangesforthehardstuff · 22/02/2014 19:00

No mine was about dh :)

How we met, what we argue about, 'five words to describe him' etc.

At the end she said something like 'Oh you have such a nice relationship' which I thought was a. nice b. true c. a bit weird coming from someone who has seen us together like twice...

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 23/02/2014 14:30

Hi everyone if anyone wants to know our good news (spolier alert - we've been linked/matched), please pop along to

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/2006052-When-the-right-one-comes-along

I will copy and save any comments on there for future posterity, so feel free to drop by and give me a lovely comment, if you wish to.

Bless you all.

OP posts:
Meita · 23/02/2014 17:34

Our one to ones were mainly about our childhoods, and then a bit about relationships, previous ones and the current one.

I seem to have had an interesting childhood. Had two 3h meetings with SW… and at the end I still felt that quite some important things had remained unsaid! SW was very interested in my parents and in my sisters, that left little time for myself… ;)

The reason for it being one to one, IMO, was mainly to not waste DP's time.
However if you have already discussed childhoods and family backgrounds in some depth, I would expect the one to ones to focus on relationships, and though it is obviously not a secret between you, it may still be easier to discuss things openly without the other one being around. Or maybe they just have to have one to ones to ensure that both partners are fully committed, whereas in the joint meetings, one or the other might be just going along with the other and not feel able to express doubts.

Good luck anyway!

Meita · 23/02/2014 17:36

Italian, I am so very pleased to hear your good news! I hope time moves quickly for you now, and little one gets to come home soon. Smile

Inthebeginning · 25/02/2014 14:48

two weeks after we've been linked and although we've got a date for a meeting with all health visitor etc we still have no date for panel (we've been told may,that's it) is this normal. I'm starting to get very anxious about this. We're contacting our s.wrker once a week but she just says she'll "chase it up" Sad

KristinaM · 25/02/2014 15:26

I'd be pushing for a panel date long before May, that's to long for the child to wait. Is this because the panel is full for march and April?

Because aftre panel, they then have to have a planning meeting and introductions might not start until late in May or early June. That's ridiculous if you were linked in early February .

prumarth · 25/02/2014 19:37

Gutted - our panel date (tomorrow) has been postponed. We have to wait another week. I was all geared up for it, I know it's only a week but that's a whole 7 days!

Inthebeginning · 25/02/2014 19:59

pru that's shit. totally shit. What was there reason? You must be so frustrated. Sad

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 25/02/2014 20:21

Inthebeginning hope you get your panel date. The date of the panel dictates a lot of other stuff. Our social worker was checking this out once the match was agreed and there was quite a wait but I knew it would be the case as I had already met people who had panel dates in April so knew those slots had already filled up.

Hope your social worker gets the date for you really soon. Try and be calm but make it clear you are just so keen to get things going etc, not grumpy or cross but just keen! IMHO.

OP posts:
prumarth · 25/02/2014 20:37

Thanks, Inthebeginning. Sadly, one of the panel has had a recent bereavement so it's not anyone's fault - just frustrating for us that we were all geared up, day booked off etc and now it's pushed back. I keep having nightmares about panel so just want to get it done before I drive my family barmy!

Meita · 26/02/2014 09:02

Pru that's rubbish! I know there's lots of waiting involved but you kind of expect it and are resigned to it, so it's ok even if it's months. But then a single week can kind of throw you just by being totally unexpected!

Still, it IS only a week. Think back to when you first got in touch with your agency. How long ago was that?!

prumarth · 26/02/2014 14:54

Thanks Meita, you are right, in the long-term game it's only a week. I think it threw me as I had put so much mental energy into the panel when I got the phone call, my heart was pounding as I thought they were going to say there was something wrong with our report. But it has also reminded me that panel is just another step (a big one I know) but not the end result by any stretch! We made our first contact in June so we are still making pretty good time - particularly when compared to some of the established adopters who would have taken years to get to this point. So I've pulled up my big girls pants and am now planning what I can do this weekend to keep me occupied and stop my husband's head exploding! Thinking marathon film watching and a large bag of chocolate buttons!
Had a lovely conversation with my 14 year old niece yesterday who offered to come clothes shopping when we get a child placed - guess she thinks now I'm 40, I have lost touch with the fashion and need a teens input so I don't embarrass them horribly! Guess I never should have mentioned that ra-ra skirt I used to wear to the school disco with such pride!

Meita · 27/02/2014 22:49

Hi fellow newbies,

we are getting to the stage in our assessment where we need to go through 'the list' i.e. discuss what we would or would not be ok with in terms of backgrounds, medical issues, etc. that a child might come with.

I was just wondering how everyone approached this? My 'problem' is that I don't really know anything about what it means to grow up with/have a child who has any number of the things on that list. So how can I judge if we could cope? For instance hearing impairment (just to pick one off the top of the list) - I realised on thinking about it that I have many preconceptions but no real knowledge. Luckily I know people who have hearing impairments or whose children do, so I quizzed them a bit, which was very helpful. But how about everything else? Also I am finding that when I do 'research' into, say, Downs syndrome, most of what I find for instance regarding educational outcomes, is quite out of date, and so means little as to what growing up with Downs is like today. I cannot possibly do extended research into every issue on that list. And yet I would not want to give a 'principled no' to anything I have no real knowledge about.

How did everyone go about informing themselves about the issues you were deciding about? If you don't mind?

Inthebeginning · 28/02/2014 12:03

hey meita we looked at it in two ways. we already had the idea in our head that we wanted a child we could support. I will have to go bk to work at some point and our house is a small terrace so physical disabilities were out straight away pretty much. we both knew what we could "manage" due to our skills so for example I can sign and there is deafness in our family so hearing impaired wasn't an issue. we also looked at our weaknesses and we knew we couldn't have a child that had the potential of a life limiting illness as we wouldn't cope with losing something we had wanted so much (same went for concurrency)
we had already spoken about dual heritage which isn't an issue to us so it was things we naturally knew.
secondly we chose (as I've mentioned before) individually so if one said no then it was vetoed. one maybe one yes a maybe ajd only if we both said yes was it a certain.
hope that ramble helps. gist is trust your gut feeling.

The wait for us drags on. both la's are discussing meetings I think it's going to be June now. my work are getting stressed as am I. s.wrker just keeps saying mot to get worked up. very difficult when anxiety is rearing its head and when I have absolutely no control over it.
Hope everyone else is ok.