Newbies

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi I am a newbie and only just started this journey, officially made the call last week.

Just interested how may other newbies are out there who are still in the early stages. I keep coming across people and recognising names. Anyone want to let on what stage they are at?

[CheshireDing]

Thank you :)

Actually since you both mentioned it I have had a look at a few LA's round here and the Ofsted reports are way better for some than others (way better than Warrington). One even has outstanding so I think we will look to them first.

I do wonder what the thing is with the current children being older, to a certain degree I understand it but I have heard previously it's at least 18 months of age.

[Kewcumber]

every LA will have a different age gap rule. I know there was some research done a while ago which said the optimum age gap between first adopted child and second was 6 years!

[calmlychaotic]

Hello CheshireDing, my local authority has agreed to take me on and my ds is 2, they were a bit reluctant and said it may take longer to to find a child as not many babies available to adopt and prefer 2 year age gap. My La is Liverpool, we're neighbours! I was told to wait a year by several other la's and agencies though.

[Italiangreyhound]

CheshireDing I'm new to all this so no idea exactly but I think the thing about the current child being a bit older is that they are less dependent on you. Also the wider age gap makes the needs of each child more distinct, e.g. an older child will have a later bed time and so will get that one to one time with mum/parents after younger child has gone to bed. But am guessing that is just the tip of the iceberg. I would encourage you to keep reading, and finding out info, and I am sure you will find different LAs have different rules and maybe some will be more helpful than others.

all best wishes,

Oh Kew can you point me at that research that says 6 years, am interested, can't think why!!

[LocoParentis]

Hello,

Hows it going for everyone?

We've finished our prep course a couple of weeks ago and they want to continue with the assessment (as do we)
We've been allocated our SW. She was the one who came for the initial visit and I really like her. It will make it easier bearing our souls with someone you feel comfortable with.
Our home study is due to start before 16th of Nov with the aim of going to panel by the end of March.

pleased [hgrin] and terrified [hshock] all at the same time.

[Italiangreyhound]

Locoparentis great news. What were the highs and lows of your prep course? What were the others people like?

I am all ears, only say what you feel comfortable with. Disguise the people in case they are reading it too!!!

All the best,

[LocoParentis]

Hi Italian,

Highs - 2 things:

1. Adopters, foster carers and a young adult who was adopted came to talk to us. All were fascinating really interesting stories. Was very emotional listening to them, both good and bad. I can't really tell you much more about it, you know confidentiality and not my stories to share on the internet but the things they said made us think the most.
   
2. On day one they showed us a very basic list of their children waiting for adoption. It was just age, sex and ethnicity but it was like a bolt of electricity went up my spine.It's very probably that my children are on that list and are living somewhere now waiting for us to be approved. It made everything feel real. Especially as they told us they don't have any approved adopters already as they have found matches for the last lot.
   
   Lows - two things again:
   
3. Little things that we were told anacdotally (if i've spelt that right i'll be stunned) by the foster carers, adopters and sw's about the things that the children had gone through. Can't say exactly what obviously but it was things like but not when a child had come into foster care would only eat bread as was used to only being fed pizza crust. The sort of thing that you know happens but you don't really have to think about the realities of it much in your normal life.
   Even though i've put it as a low it was really helpful to realise that and think about the reality a bit more.
   
4. I would have liked to have had longer to explore some of the areas, attachment, development, long term effect of early neglect etc.
   
   The others on the course were all really nice. We got on really well as a group I thought. Some already had a birth child, some were single adopters, some were foster carers already. I think most had had fertility problems, as you would expect but some were choosing adoption and hoping to have birth children later. I hope we can all stay in touch as would be great to have that support and friends for play dates who really understand.
   
   I hope your prep course goes as well. I really enjoyed it and found it a very useful experience. PM me if you want more nitty gritty :)

[Italiangreyhound]

Fabulous, thanks Loco.

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi Fellow Newbies ..... any news?

[LocoParentis]

Hey, we've had our first home visit, it seemed more like a chat than a serious meeting. i suppose it's easier to get a feel for people in conversation than asking set questions.

our next home visit is next week and its the check the house out one. the sw said 'i'm not checking your housekeeping skills or anything just getting an understanding of the house and rooms yer RIGHT!!' i'm still going to go batshit crazy and making the house gleam like its never gleamed before!

anyone else with news or is it all quiet on the western front?

[Italiangreyhound]

Loco keep cleaning, you might not get much time for it in the future! All best wishes.

[VerityPushpram]

Hi all, another newbie here. Had prep group end november/ beginning december, and just had application to start the PAR accepted. So just waiting for the first home visit!

It's a bit nerve wracking, so I'm happy I'm not alone (not counting DH of course)

[Italiangreyhound]

Welcome Verity. Just curious but what does PAR mean? Hope all will go well with Home study. Would love to hear how it goes, we are just at the prep course bit next month!

[VerityPushpram]

Thanks Italian The PAR is the prospective adopters report, it's the new name for the giant form they fill in during home study. Good luck with the prep group!

[MrsBW]

[Waves hello!]

DH and I started the process in July... He is infertile due to cancer and my Mum was very poorly after I was born and I've been told I'm at risk if I have kids. Had an info evening then initial social worker visit from one LA but were put on hold for 18 months at that point for reasons that I won't go into on here. Bit of a kick in the teeth.

So, we're now going through a VA who so far have been somewhat more open to talking to us to find out more about us rather than make snap judgements.

So, so far it's already been a frustrating process but we know there is more to come, and the end result will be worth it. Just waiting to find out about our initial visit with the VA... Have already been told their prep group is in March so hoping we'll be accepted into that.

Current thinking is we'd like to adopt two, aged 3-8, but that may change of course as we find out more.

Looking forward to finding out more about you all and hearing about your journeys!!

[Italiangreyhound]

MrsBW thanks for sharing and I so much hope your journey will be smooth from here, or at least a bit smoother.

Just as you asked, and ignore if you like .... My experience is that over 20 years ago I thought about children in care when I was in an orphanage in Romania, then I watched a documentary about babies in China and read about a little boy from Russia who was adopted in the UK. I felt very drawn to the idea of adoption and especially adoption overseas. I was young, unmarried, had no home and kind of filed those thoughts away.

Ten years later I got married and within a few years my husband and I had started trying for a baby and found we were having problems. I thought about adoption briefly but got pregnant (with some help - I mean other than the usual kind!) and DD is now 8.

A year after her birth we had started trying for number two. I had always wanted to adopt but we figured we would try for another birth child and then adopt, or at least that was what was on my mind. When we were told we could not have another child we looked into adoption but we were told because DD was still so young (2 at the time) that we would have to wait until she was older.

We decided to keep trying and had fertility treatment, elusive child number 2 never arrived and strangely the more we tried the more I wanted it to work! So six and a half years later after a lot of expensive fertility treatment we did stop trying and started looking into adoption. We had to wait 6 months before we could proceed and it is has now been almost a year since the start of our last cycle treatment. I am very grateful that the whole chapter of my life is over, and I expect it will be touched on at our prep course and the half day workshop on loss. So now we feel much happier and relaxed as a family, I genuinely feel now ready for the whole adoption process and even if it does not all happen I will be content as a family of three, although I know we have room in our home and in our hearts for another child, so I want to be open to their arrival.

Anyway, long-winded story. All best wishes for all Newbies and may the New Year bring lots of joy to us all.

[Italiangreyhound]

PS should say we are looking at domestic adoption.

[Italiangreyhound]

PPS MrsBW So sorry to hear about your husband's cancer.

[mrsballack]

MrsBW my hubby is infertile due to cancer too x

We are having our initial home visit on the 14th jan after around 9 months of our LA messing about with getting us forms and forgetting us. Am going to see how this goes and maybe look at another agency. Typically that is the same day as our beavers group goes back so I think I might have lots swilling around inmy head after the visit. Luckily I have a job with lots of thinking time so I can process it all the next day.

[Italiangreyhound]

mrsballack so sorry to hear of your husband's cancer. Wishing you all best wishes for the meeting. We had ours a few months back and it was good. I cleaned like mad, hubby saying she would not want to look round, and she did take a quick peek around. She drank our coffee and spoke to us for quite a while, and was very pleasant. So hoping you get a nice one too.

[MrsBW]

Thanks all. My husband was poorly in his early twenties (many many years ago ) and well before I met him so we've both come to terms with it. My Mum, although poorly after I was born, relapsed early last year after 20 years which has cemented our decision not to go down the IVF road. I just can't risk getting the same illness and my children going through what I went through as a kid.

I know some people get so excited at the thought of even making the very first phone call to the LA or VA, but at the moment, I can't get really excited as the process seems so long and fraught with so many pitfalls. I don't want to get my hopes up!!

[Mum2G]

Hi all, it is great to read about you all, we are just starting our journey too. A bit about us, we have a 5 year old ds. We had a loss due to hyperemesis in Feb, 12 (I had counselling), decided to explore adoption and made the call in Sept.

We have decided to apply to our local authority (Swindon), they have been very nice to speak to and have a good ofsted report.We went to an info morning in Oct.

A social worker is coming to speak to my hubby and I tommorrow and they will then write a report that will determine whether or not we are invited to apply. They say that you find out within 21 days of the visist but i am hoping we won't be on tenterhooks for too long! Just started reading on here, it is so useful to hear about everyone else's experiences. Just ordered some books to read too. Nervous but trying to think positive!

[LocoParentis]

good luck Mum2G. What biscuits did you buy for the social workers?

[Mum2G]

None lol! We have eaten all the xmas goodies and i am staying away from the biccy aisle for a bit!

[VerityPushpram]

I bought three types for mine! She didn't eat any! Good luck Mum2G