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Adoption

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Sex! Male/female that is!

34 replies

funnychic · 05/06/2012 19:55

When I was doing my matching criteria I told my sw that I definately wanted a little girl, during the course of homestudy she "guided" me into saying that I would be happy to accept either sex as I am a bit of an old git and I am single so I would be not be first choice when it came to family finding. Well as the months have gone on I have found myself really worrying that I might be matched with a little boy ( no offence to anyone who has got one) but my heart is really set on a girl, it always has been and I believe it always will be. I am seeing my sw this week for the fnal time before panel so I have to tell her but I am dreading it because I know she will try and convince me to leave it either sex, but I dont want to be in the position of saying no just because I have been given the chance of a boy. Any advice?

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snail1973 · 05/06/2012 20:06

I have to be totally honest here and say I think you should leave it as either sex. I totally understand your feelings of wishing for one sex over the other (I had them too), but with adoption the most important thing is for SS to match you with the right child for you. Really, really, truly the sex of the child won't matter when you get to that stage.

I actually find it a bit odd that SWs even ask us if we have a preference.

Lilka · 05/06/2012 20:13

Normally, I advise leaving it open. However, it sounds to me as if your preference is very strong. Turning down profiles is usually a hard thing to do, and it would be a hard position to be in if you were offered a girl

If you are aboslutely totally certain that you want a girl, then I would probably tell the SW that you feel you can only adopt a girl. I would tell her clearly that you don't want to be in a position where you are given lots of profiles of boys and have to turn them down

When I first adopted, I was only approved for a girl. I didn't really run into objections- to be honest, I think at that time single adoption was a real rarity, and people still strongly felt that a boy needed a male parent, so they were happy for me to want a girl. It's not the same now, and as boys are the group that wait the longest, SS are keen to have people approved for both boys and girls. Personally, I am now glad to have both, and if I were going back to 1995 again, i would have left it open. BUT, I do know that even back then, i would probably have been delighted to be matched with a boy. If you are certain you only want a girl, I think it's probably best to say it.

On the plus side - not long now! And you will find the right daughter for you, whatever your approval papers say

FamiliesShareGerms · 05/06/2012 20:31

We were approved for either, but I was clear I had a preference for a girl. If you can leave it open, that does give you more options, and no-one can force you into being matched with any child, boy or girl, if it's not right for you.

But if you are adamant, then tell your SW and be prepared to discuss your preference at panel.

Good luck, by the way.

Maiyakat · 05/06/2012 21:43

I'm a bit further behind you in the process (mid-homestudy, no panel date yet), also applying as a single carer, and also sure that a girl would be right for me! I expected a lot of pressure from my social worker to change my mind, but once I'd gone through my reasons for this decision she seems to have accepted it. If you know in your heart that you want a girl, then I would raise it again - as others have said you don't want to be in the position of turning down lots of profiles of boys.

Good luck!

funnychic · 05/06/2012 21:50

Thanks all, I am absolutely positive of my reasons for wanting a girl and I am going to tell sw this week, I just couldnt say no to a child because it happens to be a boy so I would rather not be put in that position.

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HappySunflower · 05/06/2012 22:46

I'm a single adopter, and I felt a strong 'pull' to have a girl.
It was hard to put into words exactly why, though I saw how my brothers struggled without a male role model in their lives after our father died so that could have had something to do with it.

I don't have many men that I see regularly in my network so that did play a part in my thinking process- though I recognise that girls need male role models in their lives too.

Adolescence/the teenage years was on my mind too- l've been a girl Grin so I felt that I would better support a girl through those tricky years having been through puberty, etc, so..I figured there would be enough challenges in single parenthood that if I could limit one, then that would be a good thing.

Anyway, it took some time but my social worker fully supported my preference and did a good job of evidencing the 'whys' and now that my little girl is with me I know that I made the right decision.

Kewcumber · 11/06/2012 15:37

single adopter who firmly put "girl" down on everything initially and is now the proud owner or a slightly grubby 6 yr old boy! Will return and tell you my point of view after bedtime this evening...

funnychic · 11/06/2012 17:42

LOL, great Kewcumber looking forward to hearing.

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hifi · 11/06/2012 18:09

we specified girls only, were only sent girls profiles.

funnychic · 11/06/2012 19:43

Hifi did you get matched with a girl in the end?

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jenny60 · 11/06/2012 20:32

Said either but sw thought a girl would e better as we had bs already. SW was right.

Italiangreyhound · 11/06/2012 20:37

Oh Jenny please can you say a bit more about that, it is exactly the question on my mind at the moment as we have a birth DD aged 7.

MeDented · 11/06/2012 20:44

We also said preference was a girl as we DH already had 2 boys and we thought it would be easier for dss's. sW agreed. We adopted DD. Then went on to have unexpected birth child and was really relieved to find I was carrying a boy as I had been so worried people would try to make comparisons between an adopted DD and a birth DD - is that your worry Italian?

jenny60 · 11/06/2012 21:07

Well, we were open to either but sw thought bs would feel less displaced if we adopted a girl. Bs said he wanted a brother but now very happy to have a sister. DH and I always thought he'd cope better with a girl, having enjoyed all our attention for 8+ years, but as I said, would personally have been happy with either. I think we and sw were right and it is easier and now to be able to say that I have the best boy and the best girl in the world!

jenny60 · 11/06/2012 21:09

Me dented: are the dynamics ok in your family with one of each?

Italiangreyhound · 11/06/2012 21:15

Thanks so much Jenny and MeDented.

I don't think I thought others would compare but I just wondered how it would work! I guess I am worried if I say I would prefer one or other they will think I am being choosy but I had always imagined I would have two girls, being one of two girls myself and most of my friends who have 2 have 2 the same. It just seems to be that way where I live! I kind of find it hard to imagine having a son, but love the idea of saying 'my son .....'!!! But also love the idea of saying 'my two daughters...' !!

MeDented · 11/06/2012 21:31

Dynamics fine, young children play/argue together well regardless of gender. Most activities are fairly unisex at that age. Now they are getting older DD likes shopping more than DS but that gives us an excuse for some girlie 1 to 1 time. DD also more in to going to play with friends / sleepovers etc so that gives me some 1 to 1 time with DS. DH finds it the same, DD likes helping him wash the car but DS not interested but then he'll take DS off to football. Basically I think children have different personalities anyway regardless of gender. You would be surprised how often people comment on children looking like one parent or the other and how sensitive an adopted child can be about this. I really worried that a birth DD might look more like me and comments might upset DD. funnily enough DD has grown to look like all of us and people often say she looks like me or eldest DB anyway!

Italiangreyhound · 11/06/2012 21:43

MeDented can i ask how your DD reacts when people say she looks like you, please, as she is adopted is she OK with people saying that? I have a friend who has a daughter by donor egg and lots of people say she looks like her mum!

MeDented · 11/06/2012 21:58

Usually just a HUGE grin and a sideways look at me. Sometimes she likes telling them she's adopted because they never believe her lol

Italiangreyhound · 11/06/2012 23:11

She sounds like a lovely, lively character. But like my DD!

Kewcumber · 11/06/2012 23:30

OK my point of view for what its worth...

Firstly adoption has so little within your control that you shouldn't feel guilty about one of the few choices you can make. However I would take some time to try to really think about why you want a girl and what your preconceptions are about having a boy.

I was lucky that I shared my stipulation for a girl with my sister (who has a girl and two boys) who was so desperately horrified that I said I wouldn't consider a boy that she went on a PR offensive over the next few months to convince me how wonderful boys are. Eventually I thought about my nephews and tried to imagine how I would feel if in 15 years time I was in the position of being their mum. The truth was very obvious - I would be proud enough to burst. Which all convinced me to at least be open-minded.

So many months went past in which I had (very shallowly) spent hours scouring Mothercare and John Lewis for boys clothes clothes I could enjoy buying... that was another hurdle conquered.

Then many more months went past (damned paperwork), I was approved in the UK and my paperwork went to Kazakhstan and I was asked to specify again as the systems are not linked and you have to do everything twice. At this point my agency made it absolutely clear to me that if I was going to stipulate a girl that I would be waiting many more months than if I was open to either gender. To be honest after so many years of infertility and adoption and hanging around, I think I was so desperate that i would have accepted a puppy if it meant I would be matched quicker.

At that moment the idea of waiting any longer for some imaginary child who might or might not be "better" than one that was available to me sooner was too much to contemplate. So any imagined pro's I might have had lingering in my mind soon became sacrificed on the altar of desperation!

In my case, DS was young enough (11 months) that tbh there really isn't any difference between sexes so I had plenty of time to bond with him before any degree of "boyishness" appeared (in DS's case not until he was nearly 6 I would say). Maybe I would feel differently if I had to consider getting an older child with more established behavior.

I have counselled several adopters who have been told pretty bluntly when going overseas that they must consider a boy, who had their heart set on a girl (everyone of them eventually came back with a boy!) - I would say to you what I said to them... the difference between the imaginary child you have in your head and the real child you will get is a million times bigger than any difference between any real boy or real girl.

There are many valid reasons for people wanting a girl over a boy (and vice versa) but whatever you think this child is going to be like... it isn't. I love my DS not because I made the right decision to have a boy but because you'd have to have a heart of stone not to love him after living with him, because he's wonderful.

I learnt during the adoption of DS that every child has something unique and sweet and wonderful and lovable in them, and that its your job as their parent to find that, to bond with it and to nurture it.

The unexpected thing as a result of my surprise boy is that my life has changed - not just in the normal way as it does as a parent but in an unexpected way that I guess happens to any single mother of boys who was pretty girly. I have started to learn the language of the male world - to watch (a bit of!) football, to cheer DS from the sidelines, I have learnt the importance of shin pads and how to chat to Dads - my world has opened up a little which at my advanced age was a surprise and tbh quite fun!

And when Ds says to me "you are the best mum in the whole wide world" I am very glad I have my lovely boy and that I didn't wait any longer for that potential lovely girl.

Kewcumber · 11/06/2012 23:34

oh blimey that was a bit of an essay! Blush

Italiangreyhound · 12/06/2012 00:12

Kew - very moving and wonderfully written.

I watched a film the other day called *I don't know how she does it'. In it the actress SJP (Sarah Jessica Parker) has two children, a rather grumpy girl of 5 (although the actress who played her was actually about 8, I checked because she certainly came across as the most grown up 5 year old I've ever seen!) and a boy of 2 (played by twins! - think I'm one of those sad movie buffs who has to know who plays who in films!).

Anyway, in the film SJP talks about (effectively) how hard to please the 5 year old girl is and how easy to please the 2 year old boy is. Maybe it is not about their gender, more about their age, but when watching it I did think, mmmm a boy would be nice!

www.imdb.com/title/tt1742650/

Thanks for sharing with us.

MeDented · 12/06/2012 00:19

And you know I do believe boys are more affectionate, cuddly...

funnychic · 12/06/2012 11:53

Food for thought! thank you

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