Mother in law & adoption

[Newmum123]

We have just brought home a beautiful baby girl . I knew my mil was so excited, however made it clear that we needed time to bond with our daughter. Day 1, we said she could pop round briefly - she stayed for 2 hours (I know it was our mistake to say that she could come). In one breath she said that she knew she couldn't be all over our child, in the next she was picking her up, and kissing her and cuddling her. It seemed mean to say that she shouldn't do that but I was worried that our daughter would be confused by it all. Even we hadn't been like that when we met her - we waited for her to come to us.

The next day she came round again, and when we said that she was having a nap, she said that it wasn't worth stopping, and she would return when our daughter was awake! Again she stopped for ages, and was all over her. Our child was so clingy afterwards. I spoke to our sw, who commented that the last time people (us) came to our daughters house, we took her away, so it might be an idea for us to go and visit people briefly rather than them come to us. Everyone has respected this except my mil.

I have tried to tell mil that she doesn't like to be cuddled loads, and to let her go to to people rather than be swept up and cuddled, but this has been ignored. We have visited them - when we said that we had just popped round on our way home, she said that if we weren't going to take our child out of the pram for a cuddle, it wasn't worth us visiting.

Sorry for the lengthy rant - my first post on here. I just want to make sure that we are doing what is right for our child. I need for her to feel secure with us, and we still need time to bond with her ourselves without interference. Mil means well and is just very excited I think. I generally get on with her very well and I don't want to upset her, but how do I broach this with her?

Tricky - it's lovely that MIL is so excited but you are right that this may not be good for your little girl (congratulations, btw). Could you explain to her what the SW said, and pass on all the advice you'll have been given as adoptive parents about building bonds with an adoptive child? Make her see it from the child's needs point of view?

Congratulations! I think your mil must be very excited, and it is lovely that she is interested in meeting your daughter. We found that both sets of grandparents got terribly excited when DS came along and tended to be all over him all the time. We had to tell all of them to back off and give us some space. Not the most comfortable of conversations, but as long as you "deprive" everyone equally things should work out alright.

Congratulations. How old is dd?
Everyone is so excited for you and so want to meet her.
But, you will need to be cruel to be kind to dd. explain to mil exactly what sw has said and explain about attachment.
My mum had not even thought about the whole attachment side of things, but when I explained to her, she understood and was fantastic.
When dd3 came home as a baby, a friend of mine just took her out of my arms for a cuddle, I then had to go through the whole explanation again, she had not given it a thought and was mortified.

Congratulations, Newmum!

You have written exactly what happened to me when we adopted our baby girl. And at the time I felt exactly the same as you and, like you, my MIL went all against all practical social worker advice and did the same as yours. I understand completely how you feel.

But afterwards I realised it did absolutely no harm at all. In actual fact it probably did a great deal of good, and now we all have very happy and very special memories of that wonderful time. It's the sad truth that not all friends and relatives will accept your beautiful little girl as yours (or at least not quite the same) and there are very few cards and balloons to celebrate her arrival. So to have someone who is so genuinely happy and excited at her arrival is actually a really precious thing. Now when I think back I wish I had more visitors and cuddles for our new baby - though as I said, at the time I was furious too!

Once again, many, many congratulations to you all!!

Congrats Newmum, how old is your little one?

I second what others have said about explaining that this is a confusing time for your daughter and you need to establish the bond with you as her parents before moving on to other family relationships. (besides which, you must be exhausted too? Introductions and early days are shattering!)

Good luck and do post back here for more support if you need it

Congratulations! I wouldn't worry too much,mil is excited and obviously accepting of your new dd.
We had 10 days no visitors with dd 1,ideal I know. Dd 2,2 days as family were in the area.depending how old,ours were 1 year,I would welcome the interaction.
Most mums of natural born children have the same dilemma,I would play it by ear. Mil seems to know there are limits. How old is dd?

Thanks everyone! Your advice is much appreciated.

I think we are just going to see how it goes and to say something if it doesn't calm down a bit. She is fully aware of the attachment issues involved in adoption. We have also hinted how little my own parents have seen our dd in case that was something she was worrying about too.

It is lovely that all the grandparents are so thrilled and accepting - I hadn't thought about that too much before now. We are very lucky.

Dd is 11 mths by the way and utterly gorgeous!!

Will let you know how we get on.

Please don't worry too much, newmum - just enjoy this magical time with your beautiful baby girl. How wonderful that she is loved by all.

I know it sounds harsh, but you have to choose between potentially traumatising your 11month old daughter or uosetting your MILs feelings. Your MIL will get over it, yoir DD may not.

Your MIl has 17 years to bond with your DD. Your DD has a short window in which to develop secure atachments to her primary caregivers.

Your SW has given you very good advice, you shoudl follow it.You say you understand the reasons behind it.

This isnt about being happy that your MIL loves cuddling a cute baby. Its about asking your MIL to put her grandchilds needs ahead of her own. And you and your Dh being willing to put your childs welfare above your need to be liked or thought well of by others.

Could you just keep telling your MIL you have plans/are about to go out?

Lots of "oh, sorry, just about to pop to XYZ" you only have to get through tomorrow, then it's week days again, so you can have lots of 'official' things do to, big smiles and 'ooh, you know there's so many people we have to go see over the first few weeks, so sorry, best you call first next time" then be busy, but arrange to go to her on you way out/back, stressing it'll only be for a short time.

Or ask your DH to talk to his mum, tell her she needs to leave you alone for a couple of weeks now to bond (only you know how well this will go).

Congratulations on the arrival of your daughter. I adopted a little girl of the same age and found it similarly difficult to protect the space for us to bond. In my case, not because of over-involved MILs, but because I already had a child who was just starting school and needing to be quite socially active. Looking back, I think it must have made an already bewildering and disorienting time that much more difficult for my dd.

How much does it matter? I don't know. Some posters have suggested it won't be a big deal and they may be right. But Kristina's position may also be right. Is it worth taking the risk? I don't think so. Obviously you don't want to damage what could be a lovely long-term relationship between your dd and her granny, but her relationship with you is ultimately much more important.

Best of luck to you.

Can't you ask your Social Worker to have a word with your MIL, she might listen to a professional?

Oh, 11 months is a lovely age! Have fun!

I know it can be hard as you have been thrown in at the deep end of this parenting malarkey, but basically go with your instinct about what is right for your daughter. If she is unsettled after your MiL visits, for example, then she has to cut back. If she is fine then maybe not cut out visits altogether. We had the same advice as you (it's the standard advice for all new adoptions, I guess) but we were out and about and doing things like going to busy sports clubs in week one... But that's because of our daughter's personality and her experiences, and as she's our second we felt confident enough to know what was and wasn't appropriate.

She sounds as if she's got carried away with it all. I think your DH/ FIL (if around) might have a quiet word that baby really does have to get used to you and DH first before too much attention from others. The thing is you try to follow these guidelines re attachment and you never know whether you got it right (probably for years), but stick to your guns.

I remember looking out some old photos of when my DC came to us, the first couple of days. In the pictures the child has a haunted, wide eyed, worried stare, you can literally see the trauma. We could't see it at the time, it's only by comparing with more recent pictures of them looking relaxed and cheerful. It really reveals what a difficult time for them that move was, despite the outward appearances. I would give your little one all the space and protection you can, she is too young to stick up for herself.

Welcome to Mumsnet by the way .

Oh god, fossil, exactly the same here. In the weeks after placement, I told everybody how brilliantly she had settled in and what a contented child she was. The photos of that time tell a different story: huge troubled eyes, sad little face, clinging to me like a little monkey. I don't know how I didn't see it at the time . My only explanation is that I was so overwhelmed I was a bit obsessed with how I was feeling rather than her (I'm not proud of that, but it's true), also that I didn't know her real personality at the time. My first child has always been a solemn, complicated little thing, and that kind of demeanour would have been normal for her. But my adopted dd is actually a sunny, confident, outgoing child - I didn't know that at the time so I couldn't see how truly tough she was finding it.

No advice or experience, just to wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. :) :) :)

I think your MIL probably hasn't understood the reasoning behind keeping things quiet for your DD in the first weeks. My cousin was adopted at age 12 months 30 years ago and her mother was telling me recently how they were told not to have visitors in the beginning. but, she said, " your cousin wasn't afraid of strangers at all, so it was nothing to worry about"

Your MIL might think the same way, that as long as your DD doesn't seem frightened of her, then it is not a problem. while the issue, if I understand it correct, is that your daughter needs to learn who her parents are, and what it means to be the child of her new parents, as opposed to being looked after by a string of carers.

Aren't there any leaflets online which are directed at family members, that you could give to her?

Hi congratulations to you!We were advised by our sw to not have anybody to stay and short visits from family and friends when we first had our ds at 6 months old.He had been with the foster mum from 10 days old.
Me DPs were fantastic and very supportive.They stayed nearby for first week and popped in to help me.The rest of our family and friends then came in and out and it worked really well.

I was lucky DS was 11 months and would have screamed the place down if anyone had tried to take him away from me once he'd bonded to me! Tended to put well meaning relatives off.

I would try the "I'm concerned that she isn't bonding properly with us and have been decided to ruthlessly implement what the social worker has recommended and won't be allowing anyone else to cuddle her until we feel certain she understands who is who and has settled down. I hope you're not going to mind because we won't be allowing any cuddling for a while - if you find it easier we can ease back on teh visits if you find that too frustrating. After all the most important thing at the moment is that she bonds securely with us"

It might not do any harm in the long run, but by the time you know whether it has - its going to be a bit late isn't it. And from my point of view, I didn't want anyone cuddling my new baby for hours on end any more than I guess someone wants their newborn annexed by a well meaning grandparent!

also worth considering meeting them out someone and putting your dd in a sling attached to you!

I don;t think whether a child is scared of strangers or not is very relevant - if anything not a good sign.

Yes, agree with kew's last point. If your dd is happy to spend hours being cuddled by her granny, that is a BAD sign at this stage. It is NOT like having a birth child in many ways, this being one.

There will be plenty of time for her to bond with her gran later, and this is much more likely to happen if she bonds well with you first.

OP, please read devora and fossils posts carefully. The parts about their child being scared and unhappy but they coundt see it at the time. Your DD has been through so much trama and loss so far. Please give her the best chNce of bonding securely witb you

She is still a baby. You need to be the ONLY ones to to feed her bottles, cradledin your arms, spoon feed her, bathe her, change nappies, all the thimgs you do with a new born. You only a have a few weeks to do this befroe she is running about.

I have to confess i am gobsmacked that anyone would increase their childs ( alreday high) risk of attachmnet problems FOR LIFE rather than make their MIL feel a bit put out for a few months.

Im sorry, but your child not beng scared of strangers or having had previous bio children therefore " knowing what is appropriate " is not remotely relevant. Even if you have had a previously adopted child with exactly the same circumstances befroe and after birth AND you ignored good practice on bodning and attachmnet AND your child is now adult and is completely secure and well adjusted, its still not relevanet. Because soem children are more vulnerable than others.

Its the " my granny smoked til she was 99 therefore smoking isnt bad for you" arguement.

I don't want to take this thread off in a completely different direction, but my earlier post was basically trying to say (and apologies if this didn't come across properly) that you have to do whatever you think best for your child/ren, bearing in mind the advice you receive from various quarters. If you feel unhappy about your child being picked up so much when it goes against the advice of the SW, then it's fine to say that you need to keep it to the two of you until you are happy that your DD understands who you are in her life.

But the advice given is pretty generic, and of course all children are different. My DD's foster parents were horrified at the thought of her staying inside without seeing many people because she had previously gone out at least once a day and was a very sociable little person. We figured that they knew better than the SW on this occasion (she had been with them her whole life). In addition, our DD is very good at making her feelings known: if she doesn't want to be picked up - then and now - it's obvious. Plus we are used to dealing with children, and probably had a better idea of how to tell when a pre-verbal child is tired / confused / upset etc than someone who doesn't have that experience (OP, not saying you don't, as I don't know you!). If we had all stayed in the house with no-one except the SW coming round, as was advised, we would all have gone stark raving mad.

OP, it's entirely up to you how you want to play these early days. Your DD comes first, even it means upsetting your MiL, but it's up to you and your other half where you choose to draw the line.

Oh, and do enjoy these precious early weeks - they really do fly by!

I certainly wasn't advised to stay in the house and not have a single person around! We went out plenty - mostly with DS in a sling or backward facing pushchair. We also had visitors but they stayed a relatively short time and respected my request that they didn't pick him up without asking me. As it happened he had already been taken away from one place/person of security and wasn't about the run the risk of it happening again and wouldn't let anyone else except my mum hold him and even then for relatively short times.

About not really knowing their personality well at this point its so true. Anyone who has seen DS's photo montage of our first year the difference in the photos is startling from solemn wide eyed to smiley and laughing. Like Devora I just thought he was quite a quiet thoughtful child but looking back he was just totally overwhelmed by all the changes and was trying to process what was going on.

I'm sure your MIl can be persuaded to do the right thing for your DD and from your OP you are obviously uncomfortable about the situation so you much change it.

I should add that the need to bond goes just as much for you and your DH as it does for your DD. Thinking she is wonderful/sweet etc doesn't mean you are bonded - that takes time and other people getting in the middle of it isn't helpful however well intentioned.