Mother in law & adoption

[Newmum123]

We have just brought home a beautiful baby girl . I knew my mil was so excited, however made it clear that we needed time to bond with our daughter. Day 1, we said she could pop round briefly - she stayed for 2 hours (I know it was our mistake to say that she could come). In one breath she said that she knew she couldn't be all over our child, in the next she was picking her up, and kissing her and cuddling her. It seemed mean to say that she shouldn't do that but I was worried that our daughter would be confused by it all. Even we hadn't been like that when we met her - we waited for her to come to us.

The next day she came round again, and when we said that she was having a nap, she said that it wasn't worth stopping, and she would return when our daughter was awake! Again she stopped for ages, and was all over her. Our child was so clingy afterwards. I spoke to our sw, who commented that the last time people (us) came to our daughters house, we took her away, so it might be an idea for us to go and visit people briefly rather than them come to us. Everyone has respected this except my mil.

I have tried to tell mil that she doesn't like to be cuddled loads, and to let her go to to people rather than be swept up and cuddled, but this has been ignored. We have visited them - when we said that we had just popped round on our way home, she said that if we weren't going to take our child out of the pram for a cuddle, it wasn't worth us visiting.

Sorry for the lengthy rant - my first post on here. I just want to make sure that we are doing what is right for our child. I need for her to feel secure with us, and we still need time to bond with her ourselves without interference. Mil means well and is just very excited I think. I generally get on with her very well and I don't want to upset her, but how do I broach this with her?

Kew, your last point is very important, esp if one parent is going back to work after a couple of weeks (ie not very long at all at home with a new person).

We were told to stay in the house for the first two weeks, and only go out on short trips for the next six weeks or allow short visits from one or two family members or close friends. This is the standard advice the LA we adopted through gives to all new adoptive parents. Would be interesting to know whether this is much different to what others are told.

I don't think they mean literally padlock yourself in the house. But keep a small environment to get used to: house, park car, certainly not anyone else's home (is this my new home/mama now?). Likewise a difference between having some friendly visitors popping in (to keep mum & dad sane) and someone who's overly touchy feely to the child. With such little ones even a birth child is only just starting to distinguish mum and other women at this age, she needs to get used to just her new parents smell, touch, voice, their face when she wakes up IYSWIM.

A child who is sociable in a settled foster home is NOT the same after being suddenly moved to the strange house of (initially) strangers without any understanding why. I'm sure it's different for older ages but 11mths is a baby. It's not like she will have read and memorised the life story book!

I was going to suggest about the sling too, double advantage of close secure contact (if DD is comfortable with this) and putting off other "cuddlers". Have you got Caroline Archer's "tiddlers and toddlers", she has lots of advice on promoting attachment. I felt a right muppet doing some of the activities but I don't think any were a waste of time.

Sorry I was not meaning to grump at Familiesharegerms in that post, you make some good points honest, just advising a little caution.

Don't worry Fossil! [bugrin] I know our experience has been very untypical (and we feel really lucky for it)