Not ^my^ birthmother but... WWYD?

[Empathylass]

My husband is adopted. He is a grown man (obv.!) and quite comfortable with his life and adoptive background etc. He is grateful that his BM gave him his life but feels that is as far as it goes.
I respect that entirely, but since we had our dc (who is my world) I can't get how she must feel out of my head. I suppose I am madly grateful to her for creating and allowing to live (as opposed to alternative) my Dh who I adore.

Thing is I know she tried to contact him when he was 18. He didn't respond as he wasn't personally interested and didn't want to upset his mum and dad.
So I know she is out there wondering.
Or I imagine that anyway.
As he has pointed out, she may have put it all behind her as that was years ago and any contact on our part could have untold unforeseen consequences in her life which we know nothing about.

I know he is right, or might be right. I know my own dc is affecting my feelings on the matter. I know I have no choice in it.

I keep dwelling on it though as I can't imagine the torture of not knowing of your child is OK or not.
At the end of the day it is his choice and he has sound reasons for not contacting her. We have discussed it.

Is anyone out there who gave a child up but who would rather let it lie than have it all brought up again? I think it would help me tune it out if I thought she wasn't out there chewing herself inside out.

Although I'm not someone who has given up a child for adoption, I have helped my ex father in law get in touch with his biological family. Sadly we were about 20 years too late to meet his mother as she died in 1986. Although he said if he found her he never wanted to actually meet her, I know he was pretty devastated to find out she had died before he had really started looking for her.

This week he and his wife have been in Australia visiting various biological relatives and have been having a whale of a time meeting all these random people. The whole lot of them have been overjoyed to have finally found this missing piece of their family. Some knew of him and some didn't, but they have all welcomed him with open arms.

It really is a personal thing. My ex FIL had fantastic adoptive parents who loved him very much. He definitely never wanted to look for his biological mother while they were still around. He knew a basic story about his mother - which had been embellished by his adoptive Mum, probably to make his real Mum sound a bit more fairytale. Tales of a long lost love who lost a limb in the war and broke off an engagement and her following him back to their country of origin. For years he thought she was American or something and had looked down several wrong avenues. I found out she had married just a year after his birth (not to his father though) and they lived a few miles away from him for about 10 years before moving to her home country of Australia.

I think no mother who gives up a child ever stops thinking about the child they gave up, all the what ifs and wondering how they are, what they are doing etc. It would be great if every adoption story had a happy ending, but sadly not all do. I think it's worth remembering that when someone gives a child up for adoption, they are doing it on the assumption that it is for life, that there are no 'returns' and that they are doing what is best for that child. It's great if people want to meet up and have some kind of relationship, but it doesn't always work out, and sometimes too much time has passed to make it a working relationship.

Try not to dwell on it too much, I know it is probably mainly down to the rush of emotions you are feeling being a mother yourself now, like you say, the feeling of not knowing how someone could give their child up and never see them again is a hard one to fathom.

Perhaps in time your husband may change his mind, and by then it may be too late to meet her in person, but there is the adoption contact list where relatives of adopted people can put their details on - like siblings, so that should the adoptee decide to look at their file etc they will see that they have family wanting to make contact with them.

At least you and your husband have discussed it, rather than it being one of those untalked about topics. I'm sure in time you will move on from these feelings, but talking to each other about it is a step in the right direction, for the both of you. It is a tough subject and I'm sure your husband understands how you feel in light of the baby being on the scene, I'm sure he has feelings about it all, having been the child given away - for a better life.

Best of luck to you x

your DH has spent a whole life thinking through the things you have thought through now (or recently) and has come to a position he is happy with for the moment. He has had sufficient people making decision which have had a significant impact on his life - birth parents, adoptive parents, social workers, judges and who knows who else. You (and I) have no idea what it is like to deal with.

Your responsibility is not to soothe a complete strangers imagined pain but to help your DH move on with the life he wants now.

I know people (some on MN) who have traced birth parents where it has not ended well. Birth parent has turned out not to be the self-sacrificing wonder that was imagined and a rather more flawed individual.

I don;t think any parents who relinquished a child (or had one removed) on MN are necessarily representative of your DH's birth mother and its a dangerous fantasy to continue believing that this will be the case.

In any event - you're right - it isn't your choice and whatever discomfort you feel isn't at the foothills of how your DH feels/has felt over the years. It isn't your scab to pick at.

Completely agree with Kewcumber.

My best friend was asked by his partner's aunt to find her biological mum, it all went swimmingly. Her husband was also adopted but really really wants nothing at all to do with his bio parents. His adoptive parents treated him horribly, so he has always felt very betrayed in a sense, to have one parent give him up to be raised by people who abused him and were downright awful to him. He is an alcoholic and probably would need a whole lifetime of counselling to get over what he has experienced.

A friend of mine from school was adopted but knew that her real mother had mental health problems which was the cause of her being given up for adoption, but she also knew that she had siblings that her mother kept - so she always felt horribly rejected. She then eventually ended up becoming pregnant at 15, split from the baby's father and decided to give that child up for adoption. She was a reckless teenager who had unsafe sex regularly because she preferred it to using contraception and sadly she continued to sleep around for several years after giving up her son. She is married now and her son would be about 15 and I doubt meeting his mother would be an entirely enlightening happy fluffy experience for him.

Each adoption is different, with it's own set of circumstances and personalities and reasons. It's a delicate situation with an outcome that cannot be assumed.

Try not to get too overcome with these feelings, just enjoy your family and make the most of giving your child a loving home.

Thank you Kewcumber and Woozlemum you both make great points.

I certainly wouldn't want to orchestrate a potentially ill-fated meeting and DH who is happy as he is. I almost just want to send her a letter to say he is well and happy, just so she knows he is OK.
I suppose I am feeling extra grateful to her now with arrival of dc.
She was an unmarried student Mum when it was not an OK thing to be and from the info dh has, that was the reason he was given for the adoption. He was adopted from birth.
But you are right it is not my scab to pick! Wish I could exorcise the visions I have in my head of a woman in torment from the never knowing.
She may have built another life entirely and hearing from her long lost child - in whatever small way may affect her for the worse not the better. Who can know. I suppose an adoption will always carry traces of lingering sadness as it is basically a sad thing.

You are both right I need to stop imagining things which can never be known one way or another and let it go
Thanks

p.s really sad to hear about the man adopted into nasty family - it seems so odd to go through all the difficulties of adopting to then not value what you have. I suppose I naively imagine abused and neglected children as belonging to parents who think of them as unhappy accidents. It seems strange to think a 'fought for and won' baby would go on to be abused.

Life is strange. We never know what it's going to throw at us. If we chose to let the miseries of life get us down, I think we'd all be clinically depressed. Life a glass half full life and make the most of it!

Stop lingering on the what ifs and make the most of the right nows!

x

Good plan woozlemum I shall tattoo that on the inside of my eyelids and pour myself that glassful you mentioned right now

Have one for me - currently having my second bout of tonsillitis this year on top of a lingering chest infection. No booze for me! Feeling lousy!

Wellllll ... since you've twisted my arm!

Hope you get better soon, sounds miserable. :)

Empathy- you said you wanted to send her a letter just saying that dh is alive and well. It would be possible to place such a letter on the adoption comtcat register or to send it through an intermediary. Do you know if your dh would be willimg or happy to do this? It doesnt mean he needs to have any other contcat.

I agree with everything that the other posters have said, but i can also understand your concren for his birth mother. She obviously does want to hear from him, as she has tried to make contact already.

I met with both my birth parenst ( they are not together) more thna 20 years ago .it was hardly textbook stuff but i dont regret having done so.

Thanks KristinaM, I didn't know that. I'll chat to DH about the option and see what he thinks. :)

I should add that I do understand your feelings. Its common in people who were adoptive to re-examine how they feel when major life events happen like having their own children. But its tempting to apply how you would feel in her situation if it happened to you now and think that that is how she feels/felt. I still feel that your husbands feelings "trump" everyones (including his BM).

But leaving a letter on file as Kristina suggests is an idea to consider if he's prepared to and may put your mind at rest. He may feel differently later in life but you can't make his feelings fit conveniently with the timing of your new maternal instincts!

Most true Kewcumber. A lot of life is all about the timing isn't it! When she was ready to contact him, he wasn't. And now who knows where she is emotionally. Suppose its the idea she didn't really want to give him up that is partly what plays on my thoughts. I imagine a young mum being made by family and society to give him away. It might not have been like that though. Thanks to you all, you have helped put a salve on my thoughts. :)

I gave up a child for adoption 22 years ago.
My greatest desire in the whole world for the last 22 years, and especially for the last 4.5 since he's had the right to trace/contact me, is that he would choose to get in touch with me. Even just a note to say that he's alive, happy, healthy, content with life would be a huge blessing to me.
But I absolutely 100% accept that it is his choice. I relinquished my rights when I released him for adoption and I realise that it might be that his reluctance to contact me is a signal that his life is happy, content and complete without me. Many successfully adopted people feel that any attempt to contact birth parents is a rejection/betrayal of their 'real parent's, who have brought them up, and who they love dearly. I respect that.

Family reunions can be very traumatic and often end badly. No-one should enter them without advice and counselling and no-one should be encouraged/forced along that route unless it's what they themselves truly want.

Thanks Roisin that really helps!

I am glad you are able not to let your desire rule your life, think you must be very brave. I hope you have peace whether you get contacted or not. As you say - it probably means he is happy - it certainly does in my DH case. :)

Don't worry, I will never push DH to do anything he doesn't want to. :)

I gave up a child for adoption too and would be happy to be contacted. I haven't been yet and I also hope this is a sign of a successful adoption. In fact I have information that supports this view. Without this information I would find it much harder. You asked whether the birth mother might be happier to let it lie? If she sought out contact at eighteen she must have been pretty proactive and keen for contact, I doubt that desire has gone.

That isn't your husbands problem though, it might become his problem if he changes his mind and leaves contact too late. I am adopted too and didn't want contact, the info I had about my bm wasn't the kind that made you think a meet up would be a great success. As I got older I still recognised that but realised that really it was fear of hurting my parents that stopped me. This was wrong too, I think many parents were products of their age and believed the birth family should remain distant and ignored.

As I was deciding to initiate limited contact I was contacted by a birth relative. My birth mother was already dead, this didn't actually bother me at all, she hadn't been searching and had remained a pretty difficult person. I think if I had found she had been looking I would have found that hard to deal with and it would have been better to meet though probably harder on my folks. The relationships that did work from the birth family side have been profoundly enriching and for my parents too. We have all met up at different times.

From my perspective as a birth parent, it is the adoptee's choice to get in contact completely but some information would be massively healing and a complete absence very difficult. From my adoptee perspective then what I want of course matters more but my needs were buried under the weight of parental attitudes and needs for a long time. You could end up being helpful to your husband if you get him to pick over it a bit, not for his birth mother's sake but for his own. It is easy to carry the position you took on as a child into your adult life, that initial stance is often defensive and simplistic. Your dh may well be a mountain of self development and reflection and to truly understand his own needs but it's not uncommon for adopted children to not have explored their own adult feelings.

"really it was fear of hurting my parents that stopped me. This was wrong too"

I believe this is very common in successful adoptions - that children don't want to risk hurting their parents - and why would you after all? Imagine your relationship with your own parents and how you would feel considering inflicting possibly a world of hurt upon them for no reason that they deserve. Of course as rain says that is wrong, but I don't think its so easy after a lifetime of loving your parents considering that action, never mind actually following through on it.

I wrote my post before reading Kew's first post, which I agree with completely (as always).

From my point of view, I don't see that it is more commonly successful adoptions who don't look for BPs for fear of hurting their adoptive parents. In my own case, my mum passed on a letter from my BM when I was 18. It was never a taboo subject, and on several occasions when we talked, asked if I wanted her to help in finding BM. Surely it is the sign of complete trust and faith that you would offer help?
I do agree though that the road is fraught with issues for all concerned. Empathy - your DH needs to make the decision himself. Even if a re-union is a happy one - as in my case - it can open up a lot of other issues. At an age when you think that you know yourself and confident in who you are and a product of your family and upbringing, it can change your view of yourself.

Sorry perhaps I didn't explain myself well - I meant that its more common in successful adoptions that children don't search until their parents have died. I agree that loving parents would/should try to be supportive and helpful but children of adoptions just don't want to run the risk and hurt their paretns.

I agree that it is much more common these days to a) have adoption discussed between parent and child much more openly b) have ben more prepared from the beginning that tracing is much easier due to the internet and records being opened to adoptees which wasn;t the case 40 years ago.

My feeling is based on a small sample of people I know personally and a larger sample of second hand stories so its possible that its not at all representative!

Woozlemum - why do you refer to the birth mother as the "real" mother?

I was adopted in the 60s and grew up with very little info but lots of fantasies about my birth mother. As I got older I did a little bit of investigating and also registered with the National Adoption register where they keep a database of adopted children and birth families and link them up. No one ever came forward and as time went on the importance of being in contact with my birth family lessened but the thought lingered as did the fear as to what I might find. I got to the point where I drove to the house where I was registered at at birth. The surroundings were completely at odds with the lovely childhood experiences I had had with my adoptive family (aka real family) and I had a long talk to myself about what it was I was trying to find and eventually couldn't determine what it was - I had a mum, had sisters etc

I am now the adoptive mum of 2 beautiful children and their adoption healed any wounds that I may have had from my own adoption. I love them unreservedly as I know my adoptive mum does me. I know that they had a really difficult start in life through no fault of their own and sadly the physical wounds (brain injury) are becoming more and more apparent in my oldest child. So ... I can understand the need to find birth parents and will support my children in any decisions they eventually make regarding contacting their birth parents but I will admit it will be hard. I will feel as scared for them as I did for myself as to what might be uncovered. The good thing is that when they do make that decision they will know their life story prior to coming to us and the full reasons for their adoption and I think that is the key. I had no information at all re my own adoption (hence the fantasies).

I know where you are coming from and similarly your husband. It sounds like he has made his mind up and when you do that it can bring you huge peace of mind.

As a birth mother myself, I have to Laugh out Loud at the idea of a birth mum having 'moved on now'.

I'm angered that a child may not seek it's natural mother for fear of upsetting the adoptive parents.

OP it shows a massive ammount of compassion for you to be thinking about the way a birth mother feels. You must have an incredibly caring nature about you, to be so in tune with the way someone in that position could feel.

I haven't read any responses, but I can't imagine it's even possible for a birth mother to move on.

I have 7 years left unless my lost child will be 18, and every day that I can't see him is a loss.
I think it would be tragic to still be missing out on the closeness we could have when he gets to his midlife, that would be shame.

You are right, trying to seek a child when they're 18 is not the done thing, so she must have a great deal of interest to have done that, and she wanted to do that after 18 yrs no contact.
18 years is nothing when it's your own child, so what's another 20 years or so?
I think it'll be the same, same love from her until the day she dies.

"I'm angered that a child may not seek it's natural mother for fear of upsetting the adoptive parents" - please don't be angry about it. Its very very common and perfectly normal - not necessarily right but it is normal.

No doubt your children will choose to share or not share certain information when they get older in order to spare your feelings, even if it would be better for them to be able to tell you.

Many of us adoptive parents think about our childrens birth parents a great deal and have huge sympathy for the fact that they cannot live with their children. Indeed I would think the majority of parents find it very easy to have empathy with a birth parent who relinquished a child.

But OP's primary responsibility is to her DH not to his birth mother. Support is the key not interference.

I'm an adoptee with no intention of searching out my biological mum. I just don't have the need or the urge at all. If I'm honest, I don't consider her feelings now as I can't, I don't know her.

"I'm angered that a child may not seek it's natural mother for fear of upsetting the adoptive parents"
You can stuff your anger as far as I am concerned. 'The adoptive parents' is a crap phrase to use. They are MY parents. Being a parent is more than giving birth. I was adopted as a baby, imo it would be unrealistic to not consider the implications of contacting a bio parent, as far as my mum and dad are concerned.
I understand there are different adoptive situations, but to disregard the feelings of an adoptive parent is something I cannot get my head around.