Not ^my^ birthmother but... WWYD?

[Empathylass]

My husband is adopted. He is a grown man (obv.!) and quite comfortable with his life and adoptive background etc. He is grateful that his BM gave him his life but feels that is as far as it goes.
I respect that entirely, but since we had our dc (who is my world) I can't get how she must feel out of my head. I suppose I am madly grateful to her for creating and allowing to live (as opposed to alternative) my Dh who I adore.

Thing is I know she tried to contact him when he was 18. He didn't respond as he wasn't personally interested and didn't want to upset his mum and dad.
So I know she is out there wondering.
Or I imagine that anyway.
As he has pointed out, she may have put it all behind her as that was years ago and any contact on our part could have untold unforeseen consequences in her life which we know nothing about.

I know he is right, or might be right. I know my own dc is affecting my feelings on the matter. I know I have no choice in it.

I keep dwelling on it though as I can't imagine the torture of not knowing of your child is OK or not.
At the end of the day it is his choice and he has sound reasons for not contacting her. We have discussed it.

Is anyone out there who gave a child up but who would rather let it lie than have it all brought up again? I think it would help me tune it out if I thought she wasn't out there chewing herself inside out.

sorry, is it upsetting to mention the word 'adoptive' when referring to parents?
Do we have to keep the adoptive part secret?
you sound incredibly touchy.

It's okay to disregard feelings when they are selfish ones, such as worry about upsetting a-parents by wanting to meet b-parents.
It's tragic that so many adoptive children feel they have to wait until a-parents are dead to trace b-parents, as if b-parents are a dirty secret interest they shouldn't speak up about.

You can't get your head around anyone disregarding a-parents feelings, but you can completely get your head around disregarding the feelings of your bmother though can't you?
because you can't remember her caring for you? so it didn't happen right.

Many people consider it offensive to refer to birth or biological parenst as " natural" as it implies that anyone else who parents eg step or adoptive parenst are " unatural". Its a bit insensitive of you or perhaps even passive agressive to come onto the adoption boards and use this language.

I also find it odd that you refer to adult adoptees as " children".

Many adoptees consider their parents be their parenst and you insisting that they label them as " adoptive" can be seen as insulting. I suspect that is why geek cool reacted angrily to your post. She doesnt need to use the term adoptive to distinguish them from any other parenst as they are the only parenst she has ever had.

It might be different from adoptees who have been parented by their bio parenst.

Its like my introducing my Dh as " this is my first husband, john" when we are still married . It implies that im planning to divorce him and aquire a second husband so woudl be seen as odd and a bit insulting.

On this board, people refer to adoptive parenst and adoptees for the sake of clarity. In RL most adoptive famies refer to their children, siblings or parenst as the adoption bit is irelevant. Thats differeht from it being secret or private.

As kewcumber pointed out, many people will be more concerned about the feelijgs of soemone they have known and loved for 20 or 30 years more thna a total starnger out there who happens to be biologically related to them. I dont think thats a difficuot convept to grasp.

I think its sad that many adoptive parenst see a search or reunion to be reflection on them or their parenting, when usually its not about thme at all, its about the adoptee .

Likewise, if your child who was adopted is now an adult and has chosen not to contcat you, its sad if you assume that its all about the selfish adopters who are preventing this, rather thna accepting that this is his/her free choice. Its not abiut you, its about them.

Fred, you also shoudl understand that many adoptees were NOT cared for by their birth parenst. They were neglected or abused by them.they were poisoned by alcohol or drugs. Or at best they were relinquished by them.

While you may feel that you cared for your child who is now adopted, they may not feel the same way.

I am not judging you as i know nothing of you or your circumstances. likewise you know nothing about the background of any of the adoptees or adoptive parenst on this board. Many of us live out lives with the long term effects of the neglect or abuse by birth parents. Please dont project your circumstances or feelimg onto everyone else here

Sorry, would describing a birth mother as an incubator be more suited to the adoption community?

Is the pesky incubator just someone who happens to be biologically related?

You're right how dare a birth mother come in here and refer to herself as a natural mother :s

I was using the word 'adoptive' to distinguish which parents I was talking about when speaking about both different sets of parents.

You baffle me.

How is it possible for someone to carry a baby for 9 months and not care for the baby at all? have you ever even been pregnant?
the baby wouldn't survive if the mother didn't care for it.

I haven't assumed that it would be a-parents fault if my son doesn't contact me. I said IF an adoptive child doesn't contact the birth family just out of fear of causing jealousy or upset in a-parents that would be tragic.

Many children are abused and neglected by birth parents and many are abused and neglected by adoptive parents.
What's that got to do with anything?

Of course adoptive children call their a-parents; 'hi mum how are you' as opposed to 'hi adoptive mum what's up'.
I was using the terms to distinguish both sets like I said.
As if I wouldn't know that.

You baffle me.

I didn't insist anyone calls their parents 'adoptive parents' I was calling them that so you knew which parents I was referring to.

"She doesnt need to use the term adoptive to distinguish them from any other parenst as they are the only parenst she has ever had.
"
incredible, did a-parents grow her in a test tube?

OP I know people have been quite strong in their views and obviously feel they know what they are talking about, but I think its okay to be thinking this and for your DH to rethink it too, as it is no longer just about him but about your DC too. They have a genetic inheritance from this woman as well and its quite sensible to reconsider the options now they are here too, as well as experiencing new emotions as well of course.
Good luck to you all whatever you decide, you will know whats best. x

Fred - why was the child you gave birth to adopted?

orkaliely he was in care when I was very techincally a child myself and social services thought he should be adopted.
Social services said I was likely to be neglectful and or abusive, and took some things I said/did out of context to convince a judge of this.
(So records of neglect aren't necessarily trust worthy!)

His records now say that I consented to the adoption, again false.

Many false records they keep.
Many things adoptive children will believe because the birth parent hasn't been heard.

It's very easy to misinterpret what someone's saying online, I don't think anyone is trying to offend others

No one is saying you are an incubator fred , you are one of your sons mothers and nothing less

But adoption terms can easily upset people. I think this is worth saying, although I may be preaching to the choir - everyone's experience is different and adoption is so personal, and they have different terms and words they prefer. Saying to someone, 'you need to say something different' isn't okay, if they are talking about themself or their own relatives. Fred, I think you are fine to describe yourself as your sons natural mother, and you have the right to define yourself, but because some people do find it offensive, it's maybe better to be very clear you are only describing yourself, and not anyone else

It is very possible to carry a baby for 9 months and to not care a bit. It's not common, but it happens. And the babies do survive, although not unscathed. Sadly, that is the experience of one of my children. No one is saying that you don't care though fred- it is very clear that you love your son

It is also pretty normal to hold off searching because of not wanting to hurt feelings. It's entirely normal to care hugely about the ones you love, and to not want to hurt them. I hope my younger children don't feel that way, but it wouldn't be wrong if they did. I hope my reaussrances are enough for them, but maybe it won't be. I hope their mum and siblings understand if that is the case

You sound lovely InsanityandherGerbils.

Sorry, as a pregnant woman myself and all it entails, the fatigue, the sleepless nights, the faintness, how it massively impacts my life, I feel like I'm definately taking a caring role right now, by doing this, when a pregnant woman could just have a free abortion to be honest.
I don't feel that doing this caring role, being pregnant, means I just happen to be biologically related as someone said above.

Maybe some pregnant women are neglectful of their unborn, I won't doubt this, it's just very sad to believe :(
It seems to go without saying, that a person who carries a baby takes on a massive role of caring for the baby for 9 months inside them, but some women could be uncaring like you say..
I wonder why they stay pregnant, surely they are being caring to some extent, just not right mentally..

I remember your story, Fred. Being so young you were badly let down by SS. None of us can say whether they were right or wrong in taking your baby away because we don't know their side of the story, but I believe they should have helped you.

Can't you try and stop seeing us adoptive parents as the enemy? We're all mums - whether through birth or adoption - and doing the best by our children.

OP, you sound very kind and thoughtful. Thing is (and I am speaking as an adoptee) I have always been very aggravated by other people telling me what I should and shouldn't do WRT biological parents. I haven't traced mine and I doubt I ever will as I am now 47. So be careful of keeping on at your H when/if he says he doesn't want to discuss the subject. It is his business more than anyone else's.

Thanks orkaliely
I'm not seeing adoptive parents as an enemy.

Thanks to everyone for your insights, it has helped me to understand dh as although I know what his position is on his birth mother we haven't hashed it out, as he has no need / doesn't want to.
It is useful to hear both sides though as this issue is new for me, as events have unfolded, but as Solidgoldbrass says, isn't something I want to drag over with dh when for him it is settled.
I haven't fallen into that trap yet solidgold but your warning will help me resist any urge to do so. I wouldn't disregard dh inclinations for my own satisfaction anyway, but everything everyone has said here has strengthened that resolve.
I am just grateful his adoptive experience was a good one for him and he doesn't carry round any apparent issues as a result of it. Not everyone, adopted or not, gets dealt a good hand in life as everyone here knows so health and happiness are basics to be grateful for.
Gives everyone for being lovely and helping.

KristinaM thank you for saying more eloquently what I meant.

I'm sorry if other people think I am heartless but no I do not consider my bio-mums feelings, I just don't and I won't be guilted in to feeling as if I should.
I do not wish for other people to feel sad for me and it is insulting for someone to say my situation is sad because I don't think of these things, when they know nothing of me.

There are ways for contact to happen, if my bio mum wanted to try that then she is welcome to, it's her choice. Just as it is MY choice to not contact her.

My mum and dad are the only mum and dad I have ever known so yes their feelings do come in to it. I'm sure they would support me, albeit they would be sad. But I just don't want to and no I wouldn't want to upset the two people who have given me a life better than I could have hoped fo. And yes I have been pregnant, I do have a son and my opinion is exactly the same.
Mine wasn't a forced adoption nor is it an open one - these were uncommon/unheard of in the 80's - so it is worth people remembering that those of adopted a long time ago had an entirely different experience.

Fair enough, I just hope there's no pressure on my son not to contact me, because he feels his a-parents would be saddened by him doing so, because that would be a tragedy for me, not to be able to see him again because he doesn't want to hurt his a-parents feelings.
I really hope they are neutral about future contact between us, so there's no pressure on him not to seek me out :)

Hi, I have only just joined Mumsnet and have just read your post. I was in a similar position to your dh. I was given away by my Birth Mother at 4 weeks old in the 1960's. She was unmarried, Irish and Catholic working away from home and my Father was an Irish Protestant. I was placed with loving parents. My adoptive Mother died when I was 18 and at 20 I found myself pregnant and unmarried, but was engaged to the child's Father. It stirred up all sorts of feelings about my Birth Mother that I hadn't previously had. With some gentle persuasion from my then Fiance (we broke up 3 years later) I began to trace my Birth Mother. I can honestly say that if my Adoptive Mother had been alive I either wouldn't have done it, or would have done it secretly so as not to hurt her feelings. I had to undergo Counselling before I was allowed any contact so that I would be prepared for whatever outcome there would be once I had traced (she could be dead, in jail, an alcoholic etc). However, I met her for the first time in 1991 in secret as her family know nothing of my existence. It was the best thing that I could have done as I felt as though a missing piece of a jigsaw was slotted back into place the minute I met her. We have kept in touch sporadically over the years, but this has recently changed with the death of my adoptive Father and the death of my birth mother's Husband (she was always fearful of him finding out about my existence). She has recently visited my family in secret and met my children and is about to tell her own family about me after 21 years contact with me. I am an only child and suddenly there are four grown women who are going to discover that they have an older half sister - me. I hope she finds the strength to tell them and doesn't change her mind. My advice to you would be to raise it with your Husband now and again, as it may be something he has buried within himself many years ago but he may regret it later in life if he decides to late to trace her.