In 5 days we'll know if we are able to adopt a little girl

[lettinggo]

I won't go thorugh all the process that's brought us this far, but we're 6 1/2 years in the process.

In 5 days time, on June 30th, we're going to find out if we will be able to adopt a little girl from Russia. She must be made available for domestic adoption until June 30th and after that will be able to be adopted internationally. She has some minor health issues, as far as we know nothing hugely serious, but apparantly Russians don't like to adopt children with health issues. She's been adoptable since she was 2 months old.

For the past month we've known about her and have been told that if she doesn't get adopted domestically, we will be allowed to adopt her. In my heart I know we should be hoping she gets to be adopted domestically because that would obviously be what is best for her but it's hard not to hope that it doesn't happen. I'm just not that good.

And now there's only 5 days to go and she's still there. I'm not at all religious, I certainly don't pray. But I remember years ago doing a novena (type of prayer service you do for 9 days where you pray for a specific thing) to St Francis Xavier and the words are rattling around in my head

"but if what I ask is not for the glory of God and the good of my soul,
I pray and desire that which is most conducive to both"

Might not make sense to anyone not Catholic but it's a comfort at the moment.
Sorry for the ramble. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up on Thursday at 1pm (close of business in that part of Russia).

[bonnieslilsister]

I loved reading your story. I wish you and your lovely family lots of love and happiness and hope all goes smoothly xxx

[BeauFauxQuo]

What a lovely thread. I am so thrilled for you. How amazing that it will all happen so much sooner that you first thought!
xxx

[JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA]

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face - I haven't cried this much on an adoption thread since Kew's (I'm an oldie on a name change). I am so excited for you and so thrilled you will be bringing her home even earlier than anticipated!!

If it is at all possible for your DH and DS to be there for her first birthday they should be - as Kew said, it will be important to her when she's older.

If you were to do a photo slide show as Kew did I'm sure one or two of us would view it

If you get time, please PM me her name - I'd love to know it.

The kindness of others, especially right now, is really heartening x

[ChippingIn]

Hi Lettinggo - any updates??

So very excited for you :)

Have you started her quilt yet? What kind is it?

[lettinggo]

Hi ChippingIn, we hope to travel to Russia at the end of September for court, hopefully.

The quilt is well under way but is actually a single sized quilt (so I'll make another smaller one to bring with me). Here's the quilt I'm doing:
thelastpiece.typepad.com/the_last_piece/2009/03/annies-ga.html
I bought a jelly roll this week and will do an easy strippy quilt-as-you-go in cot size.

[ChippingIn]

What a lovely quilt!! Usually I can appreciate the work that's gone into them but not so much the finished item, but I really love that (I think it's the white background). It will be nice to have the small one as well, which she can use as a cuddle blanket or for her dolls :)

[lettinggo]

A question for anyone who happens to read this before tomorrow lunchtime.

Tomorrow we send in our court application, on which will be the name we wish to call our DD. She has a lovely name which is very international. It has a Russian and a "western" spelling, very similar, two letters in the difference. In her court documents, it's spelled the Russian way. I have no particular preference for either spelling from an aesthetic point of view. They are both easy and unremarkable. DH is adamant he wants it the western way because then it is very similar to his late granny's name. Until I saw her name on the court papers today, I was fine with this (well, sort of, I've always had a leaning towards the Russian way but I can't articulate why) but now I strongly feel we should keep it the Russian way. DH is very pissed off with me for wanting to keep it, me having agreed after previous heated discussion to spell it "his" way.

He won't actually have a proper discussion about it, he's too mad with me for changing my mind at the last minute. His last word on the subject was "do what you want, you always were going to spell it X way anyway, why did you bother asking me".

My reasons for wanting the Russian way -

• when she's older, she'll ask why we changed it.
  
• I think her Russian identity will be more important to her than a connection to a great grandmother she never knew.
  
• I hate my own name and was named after someone my dad knew. I don't know that person and curse the day my dad met her. What if DD hates her name and thinks the Russian way is more exotic?
  

Is this a big enough deal to have a row about? For me, I don't give a hoot how it is spelled but I want to do the right thing for her. Would changing the spelling be changing the essence of her name?? I don't want to fight DHon it unless it's a biggie.

[ChippingIn]

Lettinggo - just to publically air my views :)

I think that you should stick with the way her name is spelt on her court documents, it's her name. It's not like it's not spelt that way here just as often as the other way (you have made it sound a bit like it would be more unusual to spell it the way it is now, whereas I believe it's a 50/50 split here).

I know it's upsetting DH, but tbh I think it would be a shame to keep her name as it's who she already is, but then change it just a little bit to match his granny's name - that's not really keeping the name her mother gave her is it? I could even understand it if it meant making her life a lot easier here, but it wont.

If Grannys name had been different you wouldn't be changing her name, just because it's a tiny bit different it doesn't make it right (IMO).

Also, it's still a nice co-incidence the name is the same - even if spelt differently - other names have changed over the years but people say they were named after their grandad/granny (Stephen v Steven, Elisabeth Elizabeth).

Bottom line - it's her name and you said even if it was awful you wouldn't change it. You said OK to DH when you didn't think it mattered (when it was only verbal) now you have seen it written down it does matter to you and quite probably will to her too. DH is just going to have to suck it up I'm afraid.

[addictediam]

I think her name will be her identity as she reaches her teen years. I think changing the spelling would be wrong. But that's just my opinion and I can't really explain why.

[Kewcumber]

My view is slightly different. Your daughters name may well have been given her by a doctor at the hospital whom she met for 10 minutes and your sh will have a vastly more significant affect on her life and is therefore at least entitled to have an input into her name. Also her "identity" is her name in Cyrillic until you and your sh appeared on the scene it wouldn't have ever been seen translitterated into English. If it is simply just a spelling difference then I don't see why the translators opinion on how it should be spelt in English has more validity than your husband's.

Her Russian identity is her Cyrillic name how you spell it in English is a function of her life with you not before. Of course if you prefer the original English spelling then you are entitled to as much of opinion as him.

Sorry on my phone so can't post coherently!

[Kewcumber]

And for the record her name (as all court records) are in Cyrillic. A random translator took a decision about how it should look in English, it doesn't form part of the court records in Russia.

[hester]

Um, my speedy-just-before-lunchtime thought is that you and your dh need to reach this decision calmly and carefully, not in a welter of bad-tempered panic. There is nothing stopping you changing the spelling later, is there? Could you suggest to him keeping it as is for now, asking him to honour your deep instinctual reservations about changing it, but promising to consider it fully over the next six months and then revisit the issue, each of you bringing equal votes to the table?

[Kewcumber]

Sorry sh should be dh! Damn you auto correct!

[KristinaM]

i agree with kewcumbers commenst. i have legal documents written in russian that contain my own name. when these were translated back into english the spelling is totally incorrect. some of the sounds in my name do not exist in russiain so the translater has doen his or her best.

so you have no idea if the same you are reading in English is in fact how it would be spelled in Russian.who is to say whether Наталя or Наталья is Natalyia, Natalya or Natalia? so you might as well call her Natalie, rather than spend you life explaining that its an English transliteration of the Russian or Ukrianinan form of Natalie

So you would be prefectly correct to call your Russian DD Надежда either Nadezhda ( one transliteration) or Hope ( the meaning)

you have no idea whether or not her birth mother chose this name. even if she did, im not sure why the name chosen by the first mother takes automatic preference over that chosen by her second mother ( and father)

Your DD might appreciate having a first name that links her to her adoptive family. all my children like having family names, its very common here. no doubt they will hate them when they are teenager, but thats normal

your Dd is probably NOT actually called this name by her caregivers. I suspect she will be called a pet form of it, so she probably will not even recognise it if you use it. so if you adopt a Larissa and call her this, she wont recognise it as she is used to being called Lara. It doesn't mean that you shoudln't keep it if you want of course. just that keeping the name with which she is familiar is not a valid reason in this case

as she will grow up knowing she was adopted, why will she ask you when she is older why you change the spelling of her name? and if she does ask, wont you just tell her?

her russian identity will hardly hang on the spelling of her name. she can always change it if she wants to. most children and teenagers do NOT want a name that is diffferent or unusual. unless you live in an extremely multicultural area, which i believe you don't.

Im sorry that you and your Dh are so stressed about this i hope you are able to reach an agreement.

[KristinaM]

oops, sorry, obviously mumsnet does't support the Cyrillic alphabet. it looked ok when i typed it in the wee box [ blush]

[lettinggo]

Arrgghhh! I had a long message typed out and lost it, so irritating.

Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom. Kew, you are so so right - of course her actual official name is in Cyrillic so it is just the spelling of her name by a translator on the court papers we have. When I told DH this, there was much rolling of eyes and sighing but the deed is done, the decision is made and the wine is open now Let me pour everyone a big glass and top my own glass off while I'm at it!

Kristina, you're right about the name too. In the baby home, they use a version of her name (I'll have to learn to pronounce it). When we called her by her name, she didn't turn at all but when the carers called her by her pet name, she'd immediately turn to them.

Thanks again, folks. Emotions are running very high at the moment with both of us.

[addictediam]

Sorry I didn't think about the different languages and translation

Glad you sorted it and came to a joint decision

[ChippingIn]

If you call her by her pet name (if you can say it!!) followed by her name she will soon recognise it :)

I hope DH isn't too upset.

[cookielove]

I have followed your thread from the beginning, however i didn't feel it was place to say anything before. What wonderful news, for you and your family, you must be so excited.

I realise that i have missed the moment, but i am a very nosy cookie and would love to know the name of your beautiful baby girl, i understand if you would prefer not to though

[lettinggo]

We're going to visit our little girl tomorrow. It looks like there won't be a court date this side of Christmas - we had been told we were going to get one in Sept - which was disappointing (HUGE HUGE understatement).

Her first birthday is on Tuesday so we'll be with her on this milestone. I've very mixed feelings about the trip. Of course I can't wait to see her and spend loads of time with her - 4 whole days cos we're staying in her village. But I'm already anticipating the pain of having to leave her again. It's stupid cos it's stopping me from fully looking forward to the trip. I just wish we know for certain when we will get a court date.

[hester]

Oh, I'm so so sorry, lettinggo.

I was thinking about you just yesterday. I'm so sorry this is dragging on.

Stay strong x

[lettinggo]

Thx Hester. Well, one candle was blown out (by me), happy birthday was sung on skype by her brother and cousin, a cute outfit was worn and a little girl was one year old today. Her parents celebrated with a few beers on the way home from the baby home:) All is good.

Our facilitator is meeting the judge tomorrow so we're back to crossing those fingers in the hope that we'll get a court date. Any date will do at this stage, just a date so we can have a plan of action.

[Lilka]

I hope it's as soon as possible. I'm keeping you in my thoughts

[Lilka]

And happy birthday to little girl :)

[NK7cc6a4bX11d90450bea]

lettinggo
So very very happy for you.Did same this time six years ago,like Kewcumber we adopted our little boy from Kaz.
We now have a very cheeky, happy ,healthy, handsome, glorious big boy who I am proud to call our son. Got him at thirteen months and he is seven next month.We talk to him daily about his beginnings and he loves hearing the story about how he is so very very special because he was picked.
I didnt grow him in my tummy and like you I waited for him for six years and all that time I was growing him in my heart.
You have no idea of the joy that awaits you .You cannot imagine the feelings.Six years on and I still pinch myself that our dream came true.Just wish we had the money to do it all again.Savour every moment and God bless you and your new family and get ready for the ride of your life.
Much Love
ProudKazmum
xxxxx
PS. just gone in to his bedroom to detangle him from his duvet and (as he snores away blissfully ) yet again I thank the Gods for so many things but most of all his health.