In 5 days we'll know if we are able to adopt a little girl

[lettinggo]

I won't go thorugh all the process that's brought us this far, but we're 6 1/2 years in the process.

In 5 days time, on June 30th, we're going to find out if we will be able to adopt a little girl from Russia. She must be made available for domestic adoption until June 30th and after that will be able to be adopted internationally. She has some minor health issues, as far as we know nothing hugely serious, but apparantly Russians don't like to adopt children with health issues. She's been adoptable since she was 2 months old.

For the past month we've known about her and have been told that if she doesn't get adopted domestically, we will be allowed to adopt her. In my heart I know we should be hoping she gets to be adopted domestically because that would obviously be what is best for her but it's hard not to hope that it doesn't happen. I'm just not that good.

And now there's only 5 days to go and she's still there. I'm not at all religious, I certainly don't pray. But I remember years ago doing a novena (type of prayer service you do for 9 days where you pray for a specific thing) to St Francis Xavier and the words are rattling around in my head

"but if what I ask is not for the glory of God and the good of my soul,
I pray and desire that which is most conducive to both"

Might not make sense to anyone not Catholic but it's a comfort at the moment.
Sorry for the ramble. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up on Thursday at 1pm (close of business in that part of Russia).

I love the idea of being the big hairy lesbian of the adoption board. I'm well butch, me

Awwww, just seen the pictures. She is scrumptious!

Double < snort> at hester

If hester's the big hairy lesbian then what do I get to be? The little hairless lesbian doesn't really have any ring to it sadly The loner lesbian? Actually I could think up several good ones but none of you would ever see me the same way again so maybe not

TMI lilka

All is great here, dd is settling like a dream. She's into everything and goes all day like the duracell rabbit.

Can I ask you seasoned adopters for some advice? I am dd's favourite person in the world now. We're best buddies and she's my velcro kid. She loves her brother and wants to dance with him and watch him play but she doesn't like him to lift her. Dh has been accepted into the circle of trust also. He can bath her now, feed her etc. My aunt is in hospital and I've had to leave dd with dh and she's been fine. As soon as I come in the door, however, she gets down off his lap and comes running for me, crying, as if he's been beating her with a stick! She goes voluntarily to him and is happy to wander around the house in his arms but sometimes when she sees me, she just wants to go to me.

BUT. There are times eg when she's tired, when she won't stay in dh's arms and insists on going to me. Last night, I was eating a bowl of pasta on the couch. DD was sitting on dh's lap beside me and cried to come to me. Dh wanted me to leave her with him, saying she'd be fine in a minute. I can't listen to her cry and took her to dh's annoyance. He thinks I'm teaching her not to trust him. Today, he was changing her nappy and they were having a lovely time until she saw mw and howled to come to me. I took her and dh is really annoyed.

Which is right? It feels wrong to me to let her cry and get distressed when she wants to come to me. He thinks that if I was to leave her with him, she would be fine in a minute when he'd distract her with eg looking in the mirror. He thinks I'm giving her the wrong message ie I'm the only one who is able to provide comfort. I think she's only been ours for three weeks and it's such early days that she shouldn't have to cry about anything that's preventable. We're not at loggerheads about this, we both just want to do the right thing for her.

My strong instinct is that you are right, not your dh. Your absolute first job is to make your dd feel safe, and when she is feeling tired/vulnerable/missing you, it is YOU who is providing her emotional anchor, not your dh (yet).

Later, when she is more settled, you can perhaps push her a little out of her comfort zone, but NOT three weeks in. After all, this little girl is used to having to accept a range of carers, not all of her choosing. What she is NOT used to is having one reliable attachment figure who is absolutely hers and always there for her.

We went through very similar with my dd, who came to us at 10 months and is now 2. She would not let me put her down for months, and though she loved and accepted my dp and our dd1, I was and remain her central attachment figure. After six months I went back to work (PT) and dp is now her main carer, and usually the one who puts her down at night. But if she needs me, we try to ensure she gets me. It is sometimes hurtful for dp, but as she says, "My emotional needs are not as important as hers".

Don't push your dd too soon. It is very early days, and she has a long road to travel.

I'm pleased to hear that your DD (still makes me GRIN) is settling in soooo well :)

It's totally normal for any toddler not to enjoy being lifted/carried by an older sibling, so I wouldn't worry about that.

As for DH, you, DD - I can see both POV and I can see why it upsets DH. Most toddlers go through this at some stage anyway, let alone with her background. It usually hurts the 'less favourite' parent, but in time they'll usually get their turn!!

Firstly and most importantly, you are not teaching her not to trust him, not at all.

DD will be fine if you leave her with him and move out of her field of vision.

DD will be happier if you take her when she wants you to.

DH will be happier if you leave her and upset if you take her.

You will be upset if you leave her.

No one will die or suffer unduly either way - but for now I think you should do what makes her feel happiest and that, for now, is you.

However I think this is something you need to work on (because the temptation otherwise is to stay being her 'favourite', which is nice for you, but not the best for her!). Allow DH to do the things that she really loves, as many of them as you can, allow DH to give her the food, bottles she needs when he can and to give her whatever 'treats' she's allowed - just be really proactive in getting her to see DH as your equal. Does that make sense?

This is really really common. I agree with Mary - leaving her with DH would be countrproductive because she wouldn't trust you to come back again yet. Being with her might allow her to do things with DH whilst still trusting you'll be there. In time she should start to unstick from you. I would say it's very hard for a child to try and attach to two people at the same time, when they're in this situation. It's quite overwhelming and she may only be able to bond one at a time.

Yy i agree 100% with lilka, mary etc. Its about a year ( at least) too early to start pushing her. You need tominimise the times tnat you leave her with Dh. Woudl it be possible for her to go to the hospital with you to see your aunt? Unless she is in intensive care thats usually ok?

You are alreday pushing her quite fast by having 3people. I think you need to go much slower. You dont want her to think this is another childrens home. She has been through so much loss and trauma. Its like soemone abducting you and taking you to Mars to live with a nice family there.She has lost everything and everyone she has ever known . I thik her distress is telling you that its too soon for you to leave her

Thanks everyone, I'm going to show dh these replies so he doesn't think I'm making it up.

Kristina, my aunt was very sick at the weekend, we thought it was the end for her. She's 85 and has been going downhill for a few months. She's improved now and I think she'll pull through so now I just go into the hospital in the evening when dd is asleep.

Yy mary, bio kids do this too. But its differentbwhen a toddler is securely attached to both parenst and goes through a phase of preferring another.

What this toddler is doing is part of the normal process of attachment. -a baby has 9 months inside the mum to get used to her voice, sounds etc, then months of bf to bond with her. Our adopted kids lose their birth mother, then ( usually) their first carers and then have to bond with us. Without the benefits of bf. Plus people soemhow expect more, nit less, of them. They are expected to move through the development process much quicker than bio kids who have had every advantage in life since the moment they were conceived

So when you add in issues such as pre natal alcohol and drug misuse, high stress levels during pregancy, poor or non existant ante natal care, family history of learning difficuoties or menatl helath probelms, moves in care etc

Its a wonder that so many of our kids do so well

forgeot to say, glad your aunt is improving. I know its really hard to balance the priorities and im sorry your dh is hurt. But he is a grown man and will just have to deal with it. You are NOT equals in bonding terms, babies attach to their mothers and prime caretakers first. And you are both of these

It all makes sense to me, it made no sense to me to make her needlessly upset.

When ds was born 11 years ago, my mother had had a heart attack 3 weeks before and had a bypass and was very sick. It was a very stressful time and when ds was born, he was like a teddy bear to me. I carried him 24/7 (didn't breast feed though). He didn't bond with dh for quite a long time, until he was maybe 7/8 months and it made dh feel so left out. In hindsight, I can see that I contributed to the problem by not allowing ds to get upset about anything if I could help it (cue 3 years on and my very frustrated neighbour told me 'You cannot take the thorn out of every rose for that child' - she's French, great phrase!) and I just needed reassurance that I wasn't doing the same thing now.

On a happy note, a neighbour called in yesterday with a present for her and I was talking to my neighbour with dd in my arms. She was babbling away as I chatted and then said, clear as day, 'Mamama' and pulled my face around to look at her. What a lovely moment!

Ahhh bless, how wonderful

Your first mama-how wonderful! And combined with " stop talking to that woman and pay attention to MMMEEE"

FWIW it doesnt sound like you did anything wrong with your ds either. You conceived him, carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him and then cared for him full time for ? Months? Years? Of course he bonded to you first. Im sorry, but your dh needs to get over himself a bit, with all this feeling left out. If he wants the kids to bond to hin first he needs to give up his job and be the main carer. He cant have it both ways. And you need to stop feeling guilty about it.

Lecture over

DS was a velcro baby - I had to leave him with my mum for an hour here or there to get paperwork sorted whilst we were still in Kaz but apart from that I don't think I left him with anyone for about 4 months after coming home.

The only constant in your DD's life so far is that everyone leaves her.

Sometimes they leave and come back few days later (if the shift patterns at your DD were similar to ours) , sometimes they leave and don't come back. But everyone leaves. I suspect that every time you leave she (subconsciously) is bracing herself for you not coming back. She is bonded to you now but not securely. I would do everything I could to make her trust be repaid by as much attention as she can handle.

I agree with Kristina - you are both expecting way too much if you think within a scant few months she will be secure enough to treat you and DH the same.

I have just sat and read this entire thread,

And now I am in tears,What an utterly heart warming tale.

My best wishes to you all.

Thanks, Frigg. Everything is great here. DD is still Mammy's best friend but she'll happily play with dh and ds too, especially if they have food! She loves to go out the front for a little walk and if you say to her "Will we go and see the flowers?", she goes to the front door. She understands so much, it's amazing.

Most recent update: dd gave kisses to Nana and Gaga today. She's just discovered in the last few days that giving kisses to us gets a BIG reaction so she tried it out on her grandparents today and was so delighted with the reaction that she did it again. So cute. Ds is not so enthusiastic about the kisses, they're a bit wet for him

It was her second time in my parents' house and she was brilliant. She played happily with Gaga on the floor but had to be sitting on my lap doing it. Then she wandered into the kitchen and the "good room" and wandered back into the sitting room again. But when I went very briefly into the kitchen to put something in the bin, she had a big wobbly. What a clever girl!

Oh Happy, she's doing really well isn't she :)

Have you taken her to play with any other children yet?

She sounds so very lovely

How is your son doing?

Two of my "adoption" friends came to visit with their little boys (both 2) and she followed them around like their shadows. It made me realise how much she must miss the company of her baby home friends. Is it too soon for us to go to a mother and toddler group?

Ds is great. I had a very sleepless night one day last week and I was like an anti-christ. Poor ds got a right bollocking from me about the state of his room - admittedly it WAS in an awful state but I generally don't get too fussed about stuff like that. Ds was really upset, crying , and when I calmed down I felt awful and apologised. We had a little cuddle on the couch and I explained that I'm finding it hard to get used to disturbed sleep again etc and that's the hardest part of the change in our lives for me. I asked him what he finds hard and he said "I feel like noone listens to me any more. I try to tell you something and halfway through dd does something and you turn to her." He's totally in love with her but it's a big adjustment for him to go from 100% attention to having to share with dd.

Kristina, if you're reading, the book is fantastic and very user-friendly. We're now one month home with her and while she's still just saying mama, dada, nana, baba, she understands loads.
"Will we go and get your bopsy?" -she points to the bedroom door.
"Where's the animals?"- points to the mobile over her cot.
"Give dolly her bopsy"-
"Will we go and see the flowers?"- goes to the front door
"Do a jiggle and a wiggle"- she wiggles her little bum
"Will we dance?" - she rocks from side to side
She'll give you her toes and her hands for kisses when she's having her nappy changed.

My public health nurse is sending me and her to a monthly group for speech and language development this Friday so I'm looking forward to that. And she's told me to come along to the baby clinic next month to have her weight, height and head circumference recorded so I'm glad about that.

She's just bringing joy to so many people. My parents have a new lease of life. When I went to visit them yesterday, my mam wanted to bring her out the front for a walk to show her off to all her neighbours. We've received presents from people I barely know.