Sorry I can't post anymore on adoption

[Kewcumber]

I just can't. Its becoming too confrontational and I've tried to make clear that I am open and sympathetic to issues within the system. When new posters arrive with no back story after a thread has been linked to a national forum and I really want to shout and say "sorry but as far as I know you could be making that whole story up" then the time has come for me to take a step back as its hardly helpful if that person is genuinely struggling with a real issue.

These threads have started to suck more out of me than I get from them.

I will continue posting on the random chat thread if it stays as just that - random chat. And if I have a particular issue that I want to air then I will pm those of you I "know" and trust and hopefully that will do for me for a while.

Hope y'all have a nice Easter hols and will see you around on other parts of the board.

I haven't posted on here much lately, (busy busy busy with dd's -6 mnths from placement ) but I am really angry that both of you feel like this

MNHQ please do something about this as the advice and support from Kew Maryz and others are invaluable to us newcomers to adoption!

That is so sad. I have seen some of the threads that he has been on. Why can't he be banned?

I'm going to report your post Kew to bring it to MNHQ's attention. I'm appalled that this bloke/blokes are doing this. The adoption boards should be a supportive place.

And FWIW I thought the same as you Maryz re the £9k!

I think you have to do that anyway bran - it doesn't come up in active convos unless you've asked for it to.

Well I never opted in or out and it comes up in my Active Convos.

I lurk a bit as I find the whole subject fascinating and heart-warming. I remember being so excited and thrilled for both Kew and Bran when they were adopting their DCs.

DH is adopted and DS is an IVF baby. We would have adopted if we hadn't had him. And we looked into adopting here but would you believe that no foreigners ever get approval to adopt here. There are very few children available for adoption here anyway as the system lets children stay in orphanges till 18. All the bio parents have to do is visit once a year and then when the child is 18 the bio parents get a lump sum of money. No incentive for them to give children up for adoption.

I think we are too old now for UK adoption. Not sure if DH would go for it anyway. Although it is something I still think of.

I am so sorry Kew it has come to this Kew :(

I'll stay posting here, but hide threads where certain people show up, and pm you wise lot if I have a problem

Hope to see you and Mary on random chat :)

Kew

I understand though. Its rubbish. I see adoptive parents on here twisting themselves in knots trying their best to be sympathetic and understanding re birth parents's problems.

Its so non-judgemental yet pricks like those lot bulldoze their way on here and start spouting rubbish.

They do realise that adoptive parents have NOTHING TO DO with the child protection process dont they? Well when I say nothing there is of course the picking up the pieces that goes on for a lifetime

They like to think you are all middle class, white, rich, baby grabbers who know nothing of real life or the hardships people go through.

(NB nothing wrong with being white, middle class or rich )

Birth parent should and DO have their own forums for venting. How would it be if everytime they started an important conversation they were inundated with social workers, foster carers and adoptive parents calling them child abusers and crap parents?

Adoptive parents should be allowed a space to talk. I find this board less harrowing than the adoption uk ones. It is an excellent site but I am sure anyone who has used it knows what I mean.

Personally I am sick of being depicted as a know-nothing baby snatcher when I spent the best part of two years trying to keep my DS with his birth mother.

That rubbish they spout is ego boosting bollocks anyway. They like to sound like lawyers. They like to use jargon that most people dont understand. They dont give a toss about the children or their birth parents.

They can fuck off.

I have just looked at that site.

It would be of very little or no use to the majority of parents I worked with who were at risk.

They couldnt access it.
They couldnt understand it.
The text is too dense
The text is too small
The colours and lay out are confusing.
The language is too complex.

Does he really want to help or does he just like using !!!!!!s

Well I have heard of people bending the truth slightly when promoting their business but that webpage takes the biscuit!

There cannot be more than one person who spouts so much crap, and dangerous advice, over MN, particularly as it is the same word for word drivel on Ian Josephs webpage.

hes a fucking nutter.PLEASE DONT GO KEW! you are the voice of reason(its hifi by the way) dont let this shite bully you out.x

The "one trick" ponies as I call them are easy to identify. They post minor variations of the same views again and again and again. Sometimes out of stupidity, sometimes just to cause trouble and sometimes for financial reasons. They have no interest in debate or in any view that differs from their own. I can remember one person that my ExH told me about who has posted off-topic rubbish, that nobody ever agrees with, to a hobby group several times a day for years. Never misses a day.

Just ignore them. Running away is too much like letting them win. IMO.

I've only been here a few days, please don't go! Obviously he's got a chip on his shoulder and doesn't see the potential suffering some of these children could endure. We're not baby grabbers and there are genuine reasons that children cannot stay with their parents. I thought this was obvious!

Anyway, my two-pennyworth.

xx

IMHE the system should be changed so children are removed quicker and freed for adoption quicker. So much time and money seems to be spent supporting the parent's rights that it's the children that suffer the consequences the system.

I say that as a parent who has had a child in foster care as newborn.

Oh kew

I'm going to carry on hanging out here, but I completely understand why you are choosing not to. It's such a shame, because we were developing a great, supportive and sussed little community here. All respect to the adoptionuk website, but it's heavy going and not right for where I am right now.
This was the place I felt comfortable, and I was looking forward to getting lots of support here, but I don't currently feel comfortable revealing much about how my new life with dd is developing.

Incidentally, I am struck by how much provocation it took for us to start telling the melvins to fuck off. Does going through the adoption system train us into a default tone of being humble and understanding at all times? We spend so much time going through and discussing the most appalling and distressing stories of cruelty to children, and we're expected to stay calm and uncritical of the birth parents throughout. We're constantly told this is not about us, that our interests come way down everybody's list of priorities. We have to endure months or years of being appraised and judged and valued, sometimes treated with less than courtesy or respect.

I accept that part of my job in parenting dd is to help her come to terms with losing her birth parents, and that won't be helped by me slagging them off or painting them in a terrible light, and by extension I try to be careful, considered and respectful in how I talk about all birth parents who have lost their children to adoption. But this is raw, emotional stuff, and of course birth parents often feel angry with us (as we do with them) only they have fewer constraints on them expressing that. I wonder if they get even more enraged by us remaining calm and understanding, whether it reflects what they perceived as indifferent professionalism through the system.

I don't, incidentally, believe that all the melvins have lost children to adoption. I think they are lost people in search of a noble cause, and they feed off the drama and distress inherent in this area. They are parasites on the misery of birth parents; they make themselves feel big by reading the Dummies Guide to Family Law then showing off to people who are often undereducated, poorly resourced, and desperate for someone, anyone, to believe them and act for them.

There are some genuinely shocking cases of children being removed and put up for adoption. There are also shocking cases of children who weren't removed and suffered terribly. I don't see that people like Melvin do anything to help the first group but they definitely risk contributing to the second, with 'advice' like not reporting child abuse or telling those suffering with serious mental health issues to avoid their GP.

not sure what has been going on but have read your threads on nd off for years kew and know you a long standing poster, hope things settle down on here whatevers been going on. take care

oops that sounds like i have been stalking you for years! - i just mean have seen you around etc :)

I feel a bit pathetic for even having started this thread but was really feeling quite bad. I'm certainly not disappearing anywhere but am hoping that a blanket principle of steering clear of the adoption threads for a while (except the general one) will pevent me getting drawn in to pointless arguments that actually don't impact on my life at all.

When I found myself lectured about the validity of melvins position by a (non-adoption) poster who I respect, it was really the final straw and made me realise that if you came across one thread and just read his OP you would think we were a bunch of aggressive harpies. And I just don't want adoption threads to be like that. It doesn't make me feel good about myself as I usually prefer to be able to see other perspectives and accomodate them.

I have been involved in a case with a very dogmatic social worker and her boss and I can quite see how people can get themselves into very sticky situations if they aren't astute in how to deal with them.

I'm just not happy with adoptive parents being made to feel they need to justify their existence to a total stranger when their children have very often suffered terrible abuse and they are the people dealing with it day in day out. Its an obnoxious position to put caring paretns in and I don't understand what it is meant to acheive and yes it does wind me up.

I have tried ignoring it, being frivolous, being serious and addressing sepcific points but they all leave me feeling frustrated and angry.

So I guess this is just a more extreme version of "ignoring". Lets hope it works.