Am I BU

[dolphin13]

I'm really not sure if I am BU so would value the opinions of others.

Our dd is 3.7 now. She has lived with us since she was 3 days old and we adopted her when she was 2.4.
DD has twice yearly direct contact with BM and we have no problem at with this (in fact think it can only be a good thing for dd). BM has severe learning difficulties and had a terrible upbringing herself. She neglected her DC terribly but she had no idea how to parent. She has completely accepted we are DDs parents now. She never calls herself mummy to our DD or says anything inappropriate at all.

Birth father is where I have a problem. He has twice yearly letterbox contact.
I have just received a package from him containing a birthday card, a book and a letter. The card is a huge to my darling daughter affair. In his letters he constantly says how much he loves dd, how much he wishes he could be with her ect.

He says he gave dd up for her sake as she needed a mother.
He talks about her as part of his family, for example he has told her about a new niece she has.
He talks about her brother (she has a full sibling also adopted who we have letterbox contact with as his adoptive parents don't want direct contact). DD doesn't yet know about this child as we think it would be difficult at her age to understand the concept of a brother she doesn't know when she has one she lives with. We will tell her about him very soon and hopefully she will meet him one day.

Basically the impression he gives is that she is still his DD and we are simply her carers. He said some awful things about her BM in a previous letter but after we complained to a SW that stopped.

He did try to get custody of her but he has a serious drink problem and also served a spell in prison for violence towards her BM.

We would prefer him to simply send a nice letter letting DD know how he is and asking after her. We don't want presents if like the book they are going to come with long inscriptions about his love for her and why he gave her up. It also upsets me to get cards saying my daughter from him.

Sorry this is very long and waffly, got to go now as FIL has just knocked on the door.

Please tell me am I BU.

No, you are not being unreasonable. Your job is to provide a loving stable home and parental relationships in place of your DD's birth parents.

I think you should keep the presents and cards carefully packed away for the moment. When she is old enough I have no doubt you will tell your DD she is adopted. At some point, possibly then, your DD will ask about her birth parents and at that point I think you should give her the presents and cards so she knows she was not rejected by them but that circumstances intervened.

I'm no expert but if I was your DD, I think that's what I would want.

She does know she is adopted. Her understanding is that she grew in xxx tummy but xxx couldn't look after her so I became her mummy. When she meets xxx she is very affectionate towards her (as she is to everyone) but doesn't really understand their relationship at the moment.

My concern is that birth dad is quite old and suffering his second bout of cancer. I don't think he will be around when dd is older. I am torn between keeping and showing her the letters which put all the blame for her adoption on BM and make him out to be a loving caring parent who didn't keep her because he believed dd needed a mother. It's interesting that he refers to himself as daddy but is attempting to write BM out of her life even though he is aware dd has direct contact with bm.
I think it is also possible that if dd reads the letters one day (and doesn't know the true story) she could feel real guilt over the pain and guilt her BF is feeling.
I am very lucky as an adoptor as I have copies of every piece of paperwork that was available to the courts during proceedings. So I have all the birth family history and documents telling the truth about what really happened so I could tell her (in a sympathetic way) what really happened and have proof if needed.

I suppose really I will need to wait until she is older to know how much she needs to know.

My feelings at the moment are purely selfish in that I love her so much it is difficult to be reasonable when someone else is laying claim to her.

I always find it interesting that we as adopters have our letters carefully vetted before they find their way to bps - yet it doesn't seem to be the case the other way round.

I have two half sibs (plus a spare!) and their bm has subsequently had yet another baby. I made the decision to tell mine straight away - even though my daughter was too young (around 2 at the time) to understand. It's something I will expand on when the time is right.

I think the best thing to do is to keep the letter somewhere safe until you feel the time is right to share them with your daughter. You're her mother and you know her better than anyone else. You do what you know is right for her.

Your not being unreasonable! :)
I think your better off just keeping it all the letters and card safe until she's old enought to ask! It is very confusing to hear BP laying blame and can affect a childs confidence, It's alot to take in at 3 yrs old! :)
The bottom line is that You are her Mum and your DH is her Dad end of! :)

I don't think your DD can possibly understand at 3.7. I agree with Wales, show her when you feel she will understand.

Do you have to give her any of the cards or letters?

I think it is very difficult. I don't think YABU, but I think your dd has a right to know her BF. I think you understand and also want that too, however hard it is.

Perhaps talk to the social worker about your unease and the content/nature of the letterbox contact as I think - as a social worker myself - it does need toned down somewhat.

But what is important is to accept as much as possible that to her BF your dd IS still a part of his family - not physically, but emotionally. I work with birth parents and it is hard for people to let go...could you?

He perhaps needs some support from social workers around how to contact in a safe, comforting way for your dd that will make everyone feel happier about it.

Hello.

Our DS has been with us since he was 8 weeks. We are related to BM. She used to have face to face contact but she stopped turning up. She then became abusive so it was officially suspended. It was almost always at a contact centre apart from some at our house in the early days.

She then had LB contact. It came directly to us. I always thought her letters and cards were innappropriate. They were like the ones you describe. She used DS's preadoption surname and underlined it many times, referred to herself as his 'only mummy' and that we 'had better be looking after him' etc.

It was a very difficult time in our lives, our dd had cancer which became terminal. As DS couldnt read I just put them away to deal with later.

I eventually showed them to a contact expert who I met at an adoption training day. Her name is Mary something (sorry I cant remember). She is VERY pro contact in almost all circumstances. She said to me 'you must, on no account show these to your son until he is at least 18. They are harmful'

I also asked Social services to take over LB contact as we were dealing with so much. The first card she sent the refused to send on to us because of its content. They asked her to come in and discussed it but she refused to change. They stopped all LB contact from that moment.

All the cards and letters have been kept safe. They are his not ours but as his parents it is our duty to protect him.

I have not closed the door on contact. It will always be a possibility but only when BM can put him first.

Get some advice from the post adoption service. They should be monitoring these letters much more carefully. I think its appalling that a huge My Darling Daughter type card has been allowed to get through to you.

Contact is not about HIM, its not about YOU (US) it is about the child involved.

I think Thefirstmrsdevere's post demonstrates the need to discuss these LB contacts with a social worker.

Thanks everyone.

mrsDeVere You are right I had already decided to go to some of the adoption support groups.
I did speak to the SW who now deals with DDs contact but she wasn't helpful.
DDs contact with BM is arranged by SS in that they book a room in a family centre. That's all, we go alone to meet BM and that's not a problem.
The letters from BD are sent to a family centre and brought round to me unopened. I send our letters directly to BDs home, nothing is monitored. I am going to ask for his letters to be sent via the adoption team so they can see what is being written.

Also mrsdevere I have read your threads about your DD she was very beautiful. I just want to say how amazing I think you are to have come through something so devastating and still be able to give yourself to other children who need love.

YANBU for all the reasons mrsDeVere stated.

Thank you Dolphin that is a lovely thing to say.

DS was placed with us a year before DD fell ill. By then he was so much part of our family I couldnt bear to let him go. The thought of loosing them both was devastating. He helped us though, he kept DD company and made her laugh

The contact issue is such a difficult one. I am very pro contact. I felt very strongly about it being good for all involved. I felt terrible that it didnt work out. I was relieved that the ultimate decision was taken out of my hands by SS. You can only do so much, you cannot force someone to change. If a birth parent cannot put the needs of the child first, you cant make them.

I do empathise. I know I would want my birth child to know I loved them and missed them and wanted to be with them. I get that part. But there are also a lot of things I would like to say and do but I know they would not be helpful to my DS. So I dont.

I think its time for you to be really clear with SS about what you expect from LB contact and their involvement. They are not really playing an active part. Do you think its because you are a foster carer (is that right, sorry if I have that wrong) and they just assume you will deal with it all?

That is a very good idea Maryz I think that is something I will do.

That's a lovely idea maryz. Makes me feel better hearing your dd isn't to interested.

I am so pro contact I wanted BD to have direct contact as well to begin with but he didn't feel he could cope with seeing her.

No sorrento56 we don't have to give her letters but I will keep them and make that decision when she's older.
I have a friend who has adopted 2 children and she rips up the birthday and Christmas cards they get from the birth grandparents which I think is awful.

That's good you don't have to give them to her now but you are right to keep them for when she is older. I had a strange dream last night and it didn't really fit with what I am worrying about about today but it kind of fits with this thread.

I would send the card, letter and book back to the birth father via the SW. Let him know that he is welcome to send cards/gifts but he is not permitted to call your DD his daughter or refer to himself by anything other than his forename. And no bad-mouthing of the BM or sharing his angst, just nice chatty letters.

I certainly wouldn't be keeping his missives for your DD to have to deal with at some point in her life, even when she's an adult.

I'm an adoptive mum, btw.

Thankyou noel that's all we want just nice chatty letters. Although I completely understand how he is feeling.
My dh has said I give to much to the BPs in that my letters are very long and full of everything dd does and I send a lot of photos to them twice a year. DH said I need to be more formal and maybe send just 1 photo a year and then BD might back off a bit. Hate to admit it but think he might be right .
Think mrs De Vere is right as well. SS have left us to deal with a lot more than they would with normal adoptors because we fostered dd before adopting her. We had built up a relationship with the BPs before deciding to adopt DD.
I have decided to go to some of the local adoption support groups. Also I found out today I have a new FC SW and she used to work in adoption so will have a chat with her.

Very good point maryz I am going to stop being quite so open.

I think the fact that BPs want to tell their adopted children about half sibs/nieces etc (as in the OPs case) underlines the fact that unfortunately they are unable to understand that the children don't want or need this information and can only serve to cause them confusion.

As for the letters that try to re-write history to absolve themselves of blame, well that is easy to understand isn't it and again I see no point in giving children this kind of confusing "information"

I do feel for BPs but as we all know the child's best interests must always be kept at the heart of matters.

Thanks nana. DDs birth family is very complex. Eight full and half siblings ranging in age from late 30s to 9. Loads of nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles ect. Because I luckily have so much information I have been able to do a detailed birth family tree for her.
It's for her to decide if she wants that information when she's older. For now I'm going to let BD carry on with letters but will not be showing them to DD

I am a grandparent who has special gaurdian ship of our gs. We had to go through the same process as adopters, full assessment and court procedures. I had my gs from birth. I was informed by our social worker that children are preferred to be placed within birth families. This is because it is important that children should know from the very beginning that they are adopted. We have letterbox contact from bm who has gradually fizzled out from writing to my gs. in her letters she always states how she loves him and misses him. I think this is very positive for my gs. His birth Mum and Dad were too young and his bm has lots of problems. My gs has lots of family history too from his bm side and all gone through the care system. The court information that I was able to read actually wasn't accurate. It is best to keep an open mind about information. It is very hard for birth parents to let go and is heartbreaking. Your child should always come first though! I would speak to your social worker about the letters and how to handle them. They may in time fizzle out.