Birth Mother talking on Women's Hour this morning

[justabit]

I am adopted. No sense of where I come from. That isn't a problem at all but of course I am always interested to hear stories from all perspectives. I have just finished listening to a birth mother talk about the time when she gave up her son in 1963. She spoke very well. Just thought if you had the same background as me you might like to listen to it. It will be on IPlayer. Not there yet or I would put the link.

It was really poignant wasn't it? Have you ever tried to find your birth mother justabit?

No have never felt the need. Would like her to know that I have had a good life but can't see how you send that message and then shut the drawer again.

I don't know how it works but it would be nice for her to know (presumably) that you are well and happy (I hope!). I wonder if there is some way you could do that and then say you don't want to meet or get in touch?

My son's father is a donor and I hope he will be able to do that at some point when/if he wants.

I will think about it.
Can I ask how old your son is and how you went about telling him? Hope you don't mind.

No of course not :) He's 3 at the moment and I haven't told him yet - he just knows he doesn't have a daddy unlike his friends. When he asks me why he doesn't have a daddy then I will tell him. I have a book which has been written by the Donor Conception Network to help me explain it to him in simple terms (mummy really wanted a little boy but she couldn't find anyone special enough to be your daddy so a very kind man helped her - along those lines). As far as I can tell, children with donor parentage are ok with it as long as they always know their history - it's the not knowing that's hard.

Have you always known you were adopted?

Yes always known. Don't remember being told. Was never treated as though I was special in any way or as though there was anything to be compensated for. So no drama at all. Just normal.
I think that walking the line between being honest about the situation and not turning it into a drama is crucial.

I heard this and thought it was a lovely piece. Her last line about her son seeing the pictures she'd painted and knowing that he was loved and wanted made me cry. I think when you're adopted that you can't help but question these things from time to time, however loving your adoptive parents are.

Justabit, I've been thinking about my birth mother getting old, and me losing the chance to meet her. I've never wanted to, but I suppose I always knew I could. Once she's gone, that chapter closes forever. Do you ever think about making contact?

Yes I think about it but I don't agonise about it (if that makes sense). I am aware like you that there is a finate time available to me. If this ever comes up in conversation I feel quite pushed by others who seem to assume that a) I will have a need to do this to find out who I am and b) that I have a responsibility to do this as others may need to know that I am ok. I feel quite resistant to this. I am currently just checking with myself that my continued decision to do nothing is about what I want not about resisting being pushed in a certain direction. Hope that this very confused set of thoughts and feelings makes sense. This is a very complicated and layered situation and hard to reduce to a post. Of course, there is also a very selfish fear that I would end up having someone else to look after which I don't want. And a fear that the story of how I came to be might be a very bad one. I'm not sure that I need to know that. All of this is in the mix.

Yes, most people seem to assume that we're all deeply curious, but I'm more cautious than curious and so thought it was safer not to go digging things up. Sometimes it's just better not to know.

Have you had children yet justabit?

As an adoptive mother I wonder if that might be the (understandable) trigger to looking into your background. I am really interested into understanding the feelings of adults who have been adopted. Best wishes.

I have a two year old. Apparently there are two big triggers for people to start searching. The first is death of adoptive parents (check) and the second is birth of biological children (check). I thought that either of those might change my mind/make me need to know/make me curious. However not so far. To quickly say...I can absolutely understand the need to know, and would support any friend who needed to find out. Just not there myself.

I hope I'm not hijacking too much... I was adopted when I was 18mths old and, as far back as I can remember, I have always known that I'm adopted. About 8 / 9 years ago I posted a message on a website (lookup.com ??) just to let my birth mother (BM) know that I thought that what she did was amazingly selfless and that I was a healthy & happy 20-something. It turned out that I'd posted sufficient details for her to be traced (by a very unhappy, bitter adoptee - entirely unknown to me) who actually wrote to my poor BM! Completely unrequested, unsolicited etc etc.

As you can imagine, this is a very long, protracted story but, suffice to say, I did make contact with my BM... I may be in the minority but our reunion (8 yrs ago) was very lovely and I have an even bigger, happier family as a result.

I have effectively paraphrased what was a massive experience and I don't know what, if any, help this has been but I just thought I'd share my experience.

What ever you decide, do it solely for you, and do it knowing & appreciating the pitfalls. Best wishes

justabit - I hope you don't feel I was pushing you. I was just curious to know how you felt. I actually hope that my son doesn't want to contact his bio dad, that he doesn't feel the need to.

LB. No not at all. I'm really ok with this subject. What I don't know is how representative my feelings are. I'm rather fascinated by your situation actually.

Quizteam. That's a good story to read (guess you have also read about Kate Adie?. I'm so pleased for you.

It's a weird thing - sort of semi-adoption I guess. I have a friend whose DD is adopted and I think there are a number of parallels between our situations. Men are very threatened by it I find - they think that I'm saying they are unimportant (which isn't at all true - I would love to meet someone who would be a wonderful father to my DS)

I agree - many many parallels. I would like to talk to you some time.

I would like that :)

well. I think that there is a way to send a message let me work it out. give me five minutes.

I have sent you an email. Not sure how long it takes to arrive with you.

I think it takes a while because MN send them through and they are probably all sensibly in bed. Which is where I should be - I have stayed up too late arguing on rape threads

I was adopted and could never have not traced my birth family. I did it through Norcap, it was a rocky road certainly no happy every after but could never have not done it. But of course we are all different and we must all make the choice that is right for us.

Can I reactivate this guys? Am desperate to talk about this. I have learned loads about my birth family in the last couple of years and need to get my head round whether to do anything.

is anyone going to come back to this?
xx

harriet - what woudl you like to do?

I'm here, Harriet. What's been going on for you?