Birth Mother talking on Women's Hour this morning

[justabit]

I am adopted. No sense of where I come from. That isn't a problem at all but of course I am always interested to hear stories from all perspectives. I have just finished listening to a birth mother talk about the time when she gave up her son in 1963. She spoke very well. Just thought if you had the same background as me you might like to listen to it. It will be on IPlayer. Not there yet or I would put the link.

Harriet hi, I heard the original radio programme mentioned on the tread, and it was very moving.

I am not adopted. So my experience is non-existant of all this. Although my husband and I have considered adoption, we have not started the process of adoption yet and are looking into fertility treatment. However, I remain a very interested person, interested in the whole issue of adoption and also of identity as our fertility treatment will be with donor eggs.

Are you thinking about the whole topic of tracing your birth family. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to as well, or an organisation to help you?

Hope you get some answers, whatever you need.

my mother was adopted - she phoned a household where she believed her mother was. the phone was put down on her. she was very upset by this as she felt it confrmed what she had always believed - that her birth mother really hadn't wanted her and her brother. They were pretty much dumped at a Barnados home - and prior to this she remmbers being beaten by her birth GM. she was old enough to remember her this, her time at the home and adoption age 7. Her adoptive Mum and Aunt were the only people she recognised as parents. I think for her her research raked up the pain of her childhood and her separation from her little brother.

My daughter is named after her adoptive Mum, who i knew as my grandmother.

all she knows about her natural father was that he was Jewish and a doctor of philosophy (oddly, myself and my brother did this as a degree without knowing this).

I heard the original radio programme and it was very moving.

Hello hadn't realised this had been reactivated. Harriet, did you find somewhere else to talk about this?

Dear Edgar. This is a dreadful story. Do you think your mother managed to accept her situation?

Guys
I'm so sorry. I posted this and then I couldn't find the thread again. I really appreciate your replies. I have posted once or twice before- it can be hard to get these threads going! But i feel more comfortable here than the adoption sites I've seen.

I'm struggling a bit with deciding whether to proceed or not.Thanks to the Catholic Charities, I know who my birth mother and her husband are, and have found out she has three children. I have found them on Facebook/Linkedin too, so also what they look like (the children). I have two 'half sisters' - it might be a co-incidence but one of them has my first name as a middle name and the other shares my first name! The Catholic Charities said they never told my BM what my name was, but I'm not sure I believe that. The one who shares my frist name is also married to an English guy who grew up - apparently - right up the road from my DH who is also from the North. But they live in America (I'm American and we live in the UK.)

The other weird thing is that a good friend of my sister in law is a friend of my 'half sister's' brother in law. Got that? Bizarre there are so many connections given the international component. I want her to ask some more questions about them, but he's not SUCH good friends with the guy he can ask many more questions - and he wouldn't anyway.

A few years ago, the Catholic Charities sent out letters to various addresses in the US requesting contact but never heard back. They think she doesn't want to be contacted. But it's hard not knowing for sure if she got the letters. I am reluctant to just send one out there as the same thing could happen. None of the phone numbers work either...THere are other places I could to get addresses from - one's a school she's linked to, the other is a business of her hsubands. Would you try those?

I'm so interested in getting to know her other children. But I'm kidding myself it's possible right? ESPECIALLY when I share a FIRST NAME with one of them. Even if it is completely a co-incidence, I wonder if that child would feel like that or if her mother was trying to 'replace' me or something.

I think that if her children are adults they have the right to decide fir themselves if theyvwantva relationship with you

Why don't you send a veryvgeneral letter saying thatcyou are researching your family tree and believe you are related to eg Mary smith born on 12 .12.60 in islington

That way you can be sure that they are the right person before you give o
Ut more information

What about trying nor cap who help with tracing?

Sorry can't do link or type properly on phone

Norcap is a UK thing - these guys are in the US.

I'm sure it's the right people - when they didn't reply to the letters that Catholic Charities sent, they ultimately gave me what they could from my file, which included things like her parents and sibilings names and ages. I have been able to check the details through other info in the public domain online.

It really is a question of me just either doing it or not doing.

Kristina M - would your eally go tot he children?

Or would you try the husband first? He knew about it, I know from the files. It's not my birth father - she'd already met this new guy!!

If you are in the uk thennorcap can give you some counselling which might help you decide what you want to do

If you have approached your bm and she doesn't want contact I don't see why your half siblings don't have the right to decide for themselves, if they are adults. That's just my opinion though, I'm sure others will see it differently

Have you thought about writing directly to your bm again?

I have to admit that I am not entirely sure I have understood who knows what. However I think Kristina's advice is good to send a general letter. However I wonder if you should first send the general letter to your BM. If you send the letter and there is no reply then you could proceed to send the general letter to the siblings. I think I am suggesting this just so you know for certain that you made the contact with the BM first.

ah x post. sorry KristinaM.

Re the name thing

Are you sure that your first and middle names weren't chosen by your a parents? Most families who adopted a baby 30 years ago chose a new name

It might just be a co incidence, after all names run in fashions

I don't think that should put you off making contact if you want to

You need to be preprared for more rejection though. Do you have some real life support in this? Husband/
Partner or friends? Reunuions can be very complex, to say the least

This is confusing.

Point one:
I feel sure MY names were chosen by my adoptive parents.

For the sake of argument, pretend my name is

Harriet Ann So and So.

My Birth Mother also has a daughter, born after me, that SHE named Harriet. And her other daughter, born just after me as well, is called Sarah Harriet. See what I mean. So she has not only used my name once, but twice.

What I wondered about when I found out my birth mother had another child whom she named "Harriet" was whether they'd told her what my adoptive family had named me.

On the one hand - why do that? Would just be torturing yourself, no.

But what a WEIRD co-incidence if not?

And I can't see how the children wouldn't think soemthing was up with it too, like she'd never gotten over me or something and had to name the rest of her kids after me. (Barring the son - she had more imagination there. To some extent anyway! Her son has the same name as her husband and brother.)

Point two:

I have never sent a letter. The Catholic Charities who organised the adoption sent a bunch of letters out saying: We're tyring to contact So and So, please get in touch if it's you. No response.

So - I don't know if she's received anything.

It would be very strange if the adoption agency told your bm . But then it's also pretty unusual ton use the same name for not your dd, once as a first name and once as a middle name

Otoh, your half sisters will know why she chose Harriet
Eg it's their grandmothers name. That would-be my guess as theybobvsiouly use family names

If itvwas a popular name at the time I would put it down to co incidence. But who knows....

I don't think you should let it stop you making contact if you want to

So yourbm may not have received the letters from the agency. And she may reply to you even if she didn't want any contact from the agency. She may fel understandably angry and bitter towards them if she feels they pressurized her into relinquishing you

You'll never know if you don't try. Just make sure you have plenty support. It can be really traumatic

Sorry for all the typos, I am using the phone

I feel like I need to try to phone her. I feel like there are too many opportunites for a letter to be intercepted and I'm not sure I could live with not knowing whether she'd received it.

Kristina do you think phoning is a really bad idea?

WOuld hand delivered be too too weird? (Presuming I could organise it?)

Sorry but I think phoning is a really bad idea. Think of the number of times someone has called you at a bad time, just going out, bathing the kids, writing an urgent work report etc

However you do it it's going tobbe a big shock for her. It's taken you a while to get around to this, you need to allow her some time too to take it in.

I know it coudk be intercepted but it's unlikely, most adults don't have someone else screening their mail

You can just say something that
Will mean nothing ti anyone else.

I am tracing my family tree and I think we might be related. My name is Harriet Anne smith and was born on date at hospital, town.

You need to be prepared for her writing back and saying I know who you're, please dontvcontact me again. A second rejection would be very hard. I think it's easy to understand a youngsingel girl giving upba baby, Especially in times or cultures where this wooudl be unacceptable. Harder these days with different attitudes.....

Harriet, what real life emotional support do you have in this?

Do THAT many people get proper letters these days? Rather than an email, etc?

(Devils advocate)

The letter is coming from England. And she lives in the US. AND I know she splits her time in the US in different places - which is another reason why I have hesitated.

"Something arrived for you from England today."

"Weird, wonder what that is. Open it?"

That sort of thing. The thing about tracing the family tree - her husband will know what's up and if her kids get it they might just go: interesting! let me give her a call. Americans can be VERY literal.

I don't mean to be contrarian. And I really appreciate your time.

What I had wanted to say in the call was: "I think we might be related. Would you mind if I sent you a letter to xyz? It wasn't something I wanted to go to the wrong address."

As in - look I respect your privacy and unliek the catholic charities have no plans to scatter letters all over town and freak you out.

The trouble is, it sounds stalkerish doesn't it?

In answer to your other question, my husband is very supportive of me and whatever I decide to do. He thinks I have a right to do it - he is more convinced than I am. Particularly as I've just had a 'big birthday.' We had even toyed with HIM calling her husband man to man. I know that might sound crazy too.

I'm glad to hear your dh is supporting you in this. It's hard to know the right thing to do

The only thing that is certain is that it WILL be an emotional roller coaster for you

Harriet the spy used to be one of my favourite books!

What's making your head spin, HTS?