Due to become HoD next month. Dreading it.

[aridapricot]

I have posted in the past here about not feeling valued for my research achievements in my department and about applying for jobs elsewhere (unsuccessfully so far after two applications).

Earlier this year I let myself be persuaded to become the next HoD, which is now due to start in a few weeks. I resisted the offer for a while. The main reason for that was my department's culture - basically it is completely accepted and assumed that some people are entitled to do less than others, or to do only a very narrow range of things they specialize in, and if you're not one of those God-blessed people then tough luck, you just have to work like a donkey and let the weight of our UG programme rest on your shoulders. I didn't feel I'd have the energy or authority to tackle that, nor the pragmatism to just accept it and keep it going. Eventually my current line manager and their line manager were able to find my weak spot and use it to talk me into it - they talked to me about how no one really wants to be HoD, but it's an honor system and other people don't buy into that but aridapricot you're so so honorable and so kind and SO MUCH BETTER that these other bad people (= who get ahead quicker than you in promotions and research but anyway they're NOT HONORABLE) so you'll do this for us won't you.

A few months later I chickened out, I said to my current line manager that I didn't feel I could do this. Specially, I was worried (and told them so) about my uneasiness with the department's culture sending me back into depression - I was in treatment for depression under lockdown, and although I have recovered I feel my MH isn't as solid as it used to be. They gave me the honor system story again, but this time with a bit of a threat too - they said that refusing the HoD job would be seen as "uncollegial" and this would practically guarantee I would bomb my chances at becoming a professor in the near future. (Interestingly, there were 3 other people who were eligible to be HoD, and they refused to even consider it from the beginning but apparently they aren't uncollegial, only I am). So I gave in again (yes stupid me... I know).

The HoD job is starting in a few weeks and I am a mess. This has been aggravated by the fact that a promotion I applied to in the meanwhile has only been partially successful (don't want to give too many details so as to not out myself, but it was a bit of a bummer). I am not worried about the parts of the job that people tend to get scared by (dealing with students, budgets, timetables, etc.), I am pretty good at getting things done and navigating bureaucracy even if it's not my favourite thing to do. But I'm realizing that I harbor a lot of resentment, stronger than anything I've ever felt, towards the colleagues who created and perpetuated the culture that I find myself inheriting - those who were HoD before me and burdened me with lots of donkey work while allowing others to flourish in research or in glamorous admin positions; I am resentful at those in department who systematically refuse to do their fair share and have no qualms in seeing the rest of us completely overburdened - and even make jokes about it at staff meetings. I thought the holidays and a bit of rest would make me see things with more perspective, but even now I think about the job situation sometimes for hours at a time and I feel consumed by resentment. I am very concerned about becoming petty, vindictive and dictatorial as soon as I sniff a bit of power - I cannot say I've ever behaved like this, but then I've never really had a position where I had power over others. I have had some conversations with colleagues in the last few months and they say things like "when you'd HoD we need to do this and this and this"... I think they're expecting me to be this sweet girl who lets herself be manipulated and doesn't have ideas of her own, and what enrages me is that for the last 10 years I have really been this weak person, and I don't know how to reverse this or whether I even want to do it. Earlier today I was working on a restructuring of administrative roles that I feel would do away with some inefficiencies... and then I found myself thinking: No way my colleagues are letting me away with this, they'll say "but I don't like this job you've given me" or "but this isn't how we've done thing before" and I'll give in again.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? Should I just resign myself to starting the antidepressants (which I was lucky worked quite well on me) again for the next 3 years? I keep looking for openings and will apply the moment anything suitable turns up, but my field is small, the work I do isn't fashionable, and jobs are few and far between... I am supposed to receive some mentorship for the HoD, but would I feel confident in discussing the roots of my resentment with a mentor... Luckily DH is extraordinarily patient and supportive (he faced a similar situation at his job a while ago) but I feel completely lost...

I can well imagine this. But it also might be a good opportunity. Can you find a mentor outside the institution or make them pay for external coaching?
Can you change the system - with backup, eg from a steering committee? Might EDI help- the system you describe sounds like it conspicuously disadvantages women and junior staff.
If nothing else, now you get the chance to redistribute labour fairly and model a better system. The old buffers/ young dogs may hate this but ultimately you're the boss.

Sounds like you know what needs to be done. Stop being the good girl, make a plan, and off you go. Give yourself 2 years. You have a chance to change the way things are done and you can clearly see what the problems are.

Do you have any allies at all in the staff? Anyone you moan with about unequal allocation of work? I’m wondering if you can talk to a few people before hand and plan eg bringing in workload models and actually trying to make a few changes

Hi, thanks all for your replies. The idea re an external mentor is really good - I think I would be more likely to discuss things frankly with someone who isn't part of my organization. The other person who has noticed the workload issue and actually started to put things in place to change it is the current HoD. Everyone else is nominally saying "yes that's great let's move to this new workload model" but I wonder if some of them will be so supportive when the workload model reveals that they aren't doing their fair share and are asked to do more.
Generally there is a culture of "niceness" and not rocking the boat that means that if you voice objections you are being problematic... as much as I would hate to become petty and vindictive, I would also hate to just go along with whatever the consensus is, taking to management and implementing proposals that don't come from me but rather from more vocal members of the department... gosh why do I have to be such a wimp.

"Can you change the system - with backup, eg from a steering committee? Might EDI help- the system you describe sounds like it conspicuously disadvantages women and junior staff. If nothing else, now you get the chance to redistribute labour fairly and model a better system. The old buffers/ young dogs may hate this but ultimately you're the boss."

The latter is not true. The HoD role is temporary and correspondingly the HoD is not viewed as a boss by senior staff. It is very difficult to make large charges particularly if the HoD is considered to be less senior than senior professors within the department. (And she is not yet a professor.)Those who have special deals will protect them by going above the HoD, working with each other and generally making the life of the HoD difficult.

I think bigkidsdidit is correct about looking for allies amongst the staff. If there are enough people who want change then it may be possible to make some progress, particularly if the people above the HoD are supportive. For example a decent workload model is essential for Athena SWAN - but the Athena SWAN panels don't actually check whether the department actually operates the model they claim. Many departments that apparently have detailed workload models still give special deals to the favored few.

Interestingly, there were 3 other people who were eligible to be HoD, and they refused to even consider it from the beginning but apparently they aren't uncollegial, only I am

You were manipulated into taking on a stressful and difficult job, while others were given a free pass. This suggests that the people around and above you are not going to be supportive. Personally I would run a mile & cite family/health reasons for not being able to do the job.

You were manipulated into taking on a stressful and difficult job, while others were given a free pass. This suggests that the people around and above you are not going to be supportive. Personally I would run a mile & cite family/health reasons for not being able to do the job.

agggg I think this is so true, and I am only slowly admitting it to myself. My HoD and their line manager were very supportive with me during the pandemic, I guess I felt I owed them and couldn't say not to the role... I don't think they wanted to harm me deliberately but at some point they needed a warm body to become the next HoD and clearly they identified the path of least resistance in me.
On the other hand it's kind of conforting in a strange way that such "special arrangements" exist at other places too - in mine it used to be like you never talked about it because everyone is so nice and collegial... it's only in the last year or so that my HoD and I have talked openly about this, and it was such a a relief to see that they saw the problem too and it was not me who was going mad and imagining things. I think there are others who are also getting a bad deal in terms of workload but they prefer to keep their mouths shout other than rock the boat and disturb the king's peace.

sorry that this has happened to you. the depressing thing in academia - is that unlike in other places where such responsibility would come with a genuine promotion, here you just get more admin and more angst. Being a HoD wouldnt be so bad if they paid you 1/3 to 1/2 more but that never happens. Thats why I would never do it, literally no incentives in doing it. sorry that you got lumbered with it

That's absolutely true. The way things are going, I'll be lucky if I see a significant reduction in my teaching while being HoD. And as for promotion, when they were trying to turn me around it was about how marvelous an opportunity it would be... now it's like "well it's not a given that being HoD in itself will count, you have to deliver something... oh and btw it is likely that some of your current research achievements will go out of date and not count for promotion in a couple of years so tough luck I guess".

If you are not getting a reduction in teaching, or money, or promotion, you should not be doing this whatsoever, for your mental health and sanity. I would go to the drs, then OH, and then withdraw. They will be in the shit, but you won't get any of the things you need from this, and a lot of ire, anger and powerplay for nothing. In our department you would at least get a teaching reduction. Don't 'be nice' to the detriment of your own mental health and career prospects.

As for being the boss, I have senior colleagues who would rather get the lawyers in (as they do if there are any complaints/changes to their working arrangements) than do extra work. I wouldn't be a junior (to them) implementing a new workload model for anything.

Teaching should be absolutely minimal. I take the point about who's the boss- and managing from a junior position is very hard too. Is there anyone on senior management interested in equity? Is there a women's network? There's a leadership programme for women that might be helpful.

if you are not getting a reduction in teaching or a pay rise or a promotion you are mad to do it. Sorry - not trying to be harsh. But really! I would have taken it if they were desperate because I don’t like disappointing people but absolutely I would have negotiated to hand all my teaching over and to get a prof app in the next promotion round.

I would go back to the current head and say with your mental health as it is you can’t do this role and teaching (this is probably true / you will work yourself into the ground doing both). Ask which one they want you to do. And mean it!

You should use your unsuccessful (partially) promotion as a way of getting out of this. Say that you are obviously (by the university’s own evaluation) not in a position to step back from your research and other promotable activity for three years. I’ve been doing a HoD job for the last year, and it’s a disaster as far as promotion goes. There’s bugger all in the role that counts for promotion and my research is screwed (I’ve managed three days in the last year) as my time is consumed by endless meetings and firefighting.

O would ask for an external mentor AND an external executive coach and try to find allies. Good luck. It is SHIT!

In theory there was going to be a reduction in teaching. In practice - we're having lots of staffing problems next year; I cannot see how certain things will get covered if I don't step in (sometimes it's a matter of not everyone being able to teach everything, due to specialism, and so there isn't an obvious substitute). My choice would be to cancel some of the options courses and redistribute the students among the options as best as we can - but again in my department this is anathema, every student wish needs to be catered for and if the wellbeing of certain staff needs to be sacrificed, then so be it.
MH is a big concern for me, I am not just saying that. When I was depressed under lockdown this took a heavy toll on my DH and parents as they tried to get me back on track. I haven't even had the courage to tell my parents I'll be taking on this role, and how much anxiety is causing me...

My choice would be to cancel some of the options courses and redistribute the students among the options as best as we can

I would absolutely do this.

@aridapricot if you go off sick or have a huge downward lurch in MH then this will inconvenience students much more. I would take action now to prevent this happening. Either get the teaching covered elsewhere by temp staff like everywhere else has to do, agreed at the appropriate or remove yourself from the job which is what I would do. I would say my circumstances/MH has changed and I'm no longer able to do it. You sound sick with anxiety already.

Your work cannot make you do extra teaching if you are the HoD and allocating workload! Your work cannot make you be HoD if your circumstances change/MH concerns will not allow it. You can get signed off, take sick leave, or get an occupational health assessment which should establish a limit on working duties. You are driving yourself to do these things out of a sense of obligation, legally there isn't a mechanism for enforcing this against you, which leaves you more in charge of your destiny than you think...

I’ve been doing a HoD job for the last year, and it’s a disaster as far as promotion goes. There’s bugger all in the role that counts for promotion

I was told the role would be great for promotion, and when I questioned it they told me I was wrong and it would absolutely set me ahead... and I was so stupid that I believed it. How can I be so stupid and naive, I deserve what's happening to me.

it may be that the role has some leverage for promotion where you work. In my case, the university has very clearly-set out criteria for promotion, and the work I’m doing as a HoD does not accrue any points, except for line management (and, then, not enough for a promotion). I was actually promoted to Reader at the point when I was considering the HoD role and, if the promotion had been denied, I’d absolutely have refused to take on the HoD role. As it is, I’m pretty fucked off that I’ll lose three years that could have been put towards activity leading to a professorship, and am considering stepping down before the end of my term (though there are other reasons for considering that too).

It sounds like you’re in a terrible place mentally. You should absolutely step down. In these situations, a more senior member of the department should step up.

HoD would definitely count for promotion where I have worked but would not necessarily be enough to offset a weaker research portfolio. If you have the support on the panel, then HoD could set you ahead - it could be a "reward". But this does not always happen - in my experience, it's often not the HoD who've done the best job that get rewarded in promotion panels, but those with supporters on the panel.

I appreciate the difficulties in filling gaps in teaching but I think female HoD often do make the mistake of sacrificing themselves, instead of holding their ground and not doing the work themselves. I would cancel options and/or insist on funding for somebody to teach these options. You are almost never rewarded for taking on additional work that doesn't result in clear kudos for your personally e.g. grant income.

Under no circumstances do the teaching! That sets a tone that says 'If no one else can/will do it, HoD will step up.' If you don't protect your time, no one else will. You must claim such authority as you have.

We constantly tell students that their MH is the most important thing and if they need to step back that's fine. Ultimately that's true for you, too.

But is it possible that some of your worries are premature? I realise you've been suckered for years (as have I). Nevertheless most people are focused on themselves and don't like to acknowledge that their selfishness means screwing over others. Is it possible that, as with most of us, most people don't give you much unnecessary thought at all? That would be a fine thing, because your expectation that you can't exert authority with them would have no basis in fact. If you're going to step into the HoD position, can you use this idea to gain some confidence?

Finally, and I don't mean to be facetious, I think the most successful women I know would find a way to say, essentially, "if I am going to take this role it needs to work for me as well as for the Department. I realise I didn't give enough thought to that. As things stand I have some significant concerns. Can we explore this further?" I haven't put that well, because I am not one of those women. But maybe it's worth considering whether you can do this?

Absolutely this

You don't want to do it, so don't! It is absolutely not in your own best interests and you probably won't even be there much longer.

A man in your position would say no. Women are socialised to be nice, we need to stop going along with it.

Thanks for the replies. And the support. I don't think there's active hostility or animosity towards me, rather being taken for granted and yes people not acknowledging what their selfishness or their wish to be gracious might cost others. One of the people who was HoD before me (when I was quite junior) actually took on a lot of work himself... and while at the time I appreciated that he was not simply offloading work to me, but he was also prepared to contribute, now I feel this creates a bad dynamic, a dynamic where it is seen as preferable for less vocal/weaker members of staff (including the HoD) to take on more work to avoid conflict. It's funny because I don't really dislike anyone in my department, I get along with everyone, but over the years, and perhaps through no one's fault, a very negative dynamic was created... I am resentful as I said above but at the same time I find it difficult to "dislike" anyone if that makes sense - and as such it's also difficult to voice thoughts that I know would hurt them.
The issue with promotion at my place is that the whole process is meant to be transparent but in reality it is not. When I almost stepped down I tried to obtain some reassurance that I would be promoted to professor as well as a time scale for this to happen, but then it was all "oh this is very likely to happen as long as you deliver something" (without much detail as to what that "something" might be), and that everything would have to go through a panel external to the School anyway so they couldn't guarantee anything. There are stories of people who managed to obtain a guarantee that they'd be promoted at a certain point or who were promoted outside the normal process, but if you ask managers directly or indirectly they behave as if this never happens (I know someone socially for whom this did happen, and she will freely admit it) and you have to put in your application and pray that this mysterious and all-powerful committee will like it. I was also given wrong information about promotions at certain points over the years, "you have to do this or that to get to the next step" - all the while I was seeing people around me who had done such things and didn't get promoted, or others who didn't do them but were promoted.

I have thought of putting together a complaint or grievance that the terms of my contract have been repeatedly broken during the years, therefore closing some progression opportunities to me. I have some "hard" evidence of this - for example, my job was first advertised as a fellowship scheme with minimal teaching, with an actual maximum number of teaching hours named in the job ad; I was then given more teaching than this maximum. The responsibilities I had to take on were massively out of line with those of other post-docs on the same scheme in other departments. Later on I took on a leadership job at Faculty level which came in with some money to buy out some of my teaching; I was relieved of exactly zero teaching; whether the money went to making someone else's life easier, I don't know. So there are lots of little things that were objectively wrong. Of course they'll bring up the issue of why I didn't speak up at that time... but I don't think this makes them any less wrong. I don't know if it would help, people will question why I'm bringing up things from many years ago, but I really feel this resentment has build up so much during the years that I cannot just forgive and move on.