Friends bitching about me behind my back....

[HidingFromColleagues]

I have name changed because I do not want this to become common knowledge, but I really need some advice.

I work for a very small company (husband and wife bosses, me and two other girls). The three of us are quite often left on our own and we had - I thought - become quite good friends. I am finishing work next Thursday (24th) and am meant to be going out for dinner with the 2 girls as a goodbye. They have also arranged with the bosses for a bit of a leaving lunch buffet next Thursday afternoon for me.

So today one of the girls finishes just after lunch and goes home for the day. She then rings and says she left her mobile and could I lock it in the safe for her. I know I was completely wrong to do it, but I nosed through her messages. Yes I know, it was horrible to do it and I won't even follow that up with a "but...". There are loads of messages between my two colleagues bitching about me and even messages between her and the boss' wife! I am flipping between pissed off and crying because I truly thought they were friends. I feel absolutely crushed.

My first instinct is to tell them all to f*ck off and ignore them for the next week, but then that is admitting that I looked at the phone when I shouldn't have.

I am considering simply telling them that I can't do dinner next week anymore and simply leave it at that. I can't piss off the bosses because unfortunately, I will need them as a reference.

What would you do.....

I would smile sweetly and leave without making a fuss...they will be out of your life now (What were they bitching about? Wasn't about honesty and integrity was it?)

So, obviously it was a bad plan to look at the messages, but given that I'm hardly perfect myself we'll set that aside. Poor you. I'd also be crushed. It's the sort of thing that can haunt in dark hours for years to come. I'd prob cancel the dinner giving a vague excuse, and then lie low til leaving day, then that evening have a big glass of white with someone totally unrelated to the whole tale, and who really likes you, and toast, 'fuck em - I'm off to pastures new!'

Well, you've pretty much lost the moral high ground, I'm afraid. I think you should put on a brave face and a fake smile, go to dinner and lunch, and then put it behind you. There's nothing to be gained otherwise.

Thanks for your advice. I completely accept that I was entirely in the wrong looking at the messages. I cannot and will not defend that decision.

They were bitching about me and what I am like at work (I know I have a tendancy to become a bit of bear when I am stressed) but they were also taking the piss out of my DH. One of the messages said something like: "Do you think she's leaving because she's finally realised what an arse [DH] is? hahaha".

The message from the boss' wife said "Oh just sod off [my name]. She should know better by now and besides we'll all be shot of her soon enough". I don't know the context of the message. This is the woman who repeatedly calls me sweetie.

I sent an email to a colleague in another office (same owner) last week apologising for being a cow to her recently (we have a history). She must have told these two women and there were messages saying "Wonder if the fat cow will apologise to us" and "too little too late bitch".

I really want to cancel and I would like to e-mail the boss' wife (she's never in) and ask her to cancel the buffet lunch as well. I don't think I could smile sweetly and try to forget what was said.

To make matters worse, I get a lift in with the colleague who left her phone and a lift home with the other. Really want to just take the bus and tell them I don't need a lift anymore.

I know I'm in the wrong for looking and you should all be telling me off for that. I am just absolutely gutted that people I thought were friends (and I really don't have many) have been bitching about me. I'm sat on my own at work and my eyes are red and puffy from crying. I just want to walk out and tell them all to get stuffed.

If you go to lunch you'll be putting a dake face on so j would cancel the lunch but would do the buffet thing with the bosses.

Btw is there any truth in what they were saying? Not saying that is zn excuse just wondered.

they sound just charming!

looking on the bright side, at least you're leaving next week. I think Habbibu is right, brave face on and fake it for the next week.

It doesn't sound like you have been the loveliest of work companions...

Perhaps once you get over your hurt you should think about how you behave with colleagues.

That sounds horrid, I really didn't mean it horribly, but maybe you could learn from it..?

There is some truth in it LoveBeing34. I am the office administrator, but the owners have more or less dumped the office manager job on me for the last two years. I get very very stressed and I know I get miserable. We had a bit of a falling out last November (found out they were talking about me, which they completely denied) but I thought we had sorted it out.

Sorry am on my phone so takes a while to type.

I have read enough of your posts on here Hully (I am a regular) to realise that it wasn't meant to be horrible.

I will definitely learn from this. From previous office jobs I have had, I know I am not usually an unbearable cow to work with. But this job has been different - this job has swallowed me whole for the last 2 years and I fully accept that I have not been that great of a person to work with.

Oh good. In that case

kill them

Well I wouldn't take it to heart then, the chances are that they aren't that keen on the boss either.

Just because you work with people doesn't mean you have to be friends, I do understand and have been through a similar thing. At least you are moving on they are stuck with each other!

Kill them?? Really?? And shall I use "Hully told me to" as my defence???

I think you really do have to do the brave face - there's no alternative. If you feel weepy, just make up some story about why you're not 100% - say you have a bug, or your granny is not too well, or something. And they were horrible, but you might want to use it as a wake-up call. Find something that helps you relieve stress (yoga, exercise, music) and make sure you don't make the same mistakes in your next job.

Either that, or fake illness, and send in some nice cake.

Yep. There's not a judge in the land would convict you.

I would say something along the lines of 'oh come on, let's cancel the events. I know you don't think much of me anyway'.

I think I will cancel the dinner. We are emigrating (don't out me if you now know who I am) so there are a million and one reasons why I wouldn't be able to make it. And I will grin and bear it through the work do.

And what Eleanor said. I have sometimes said really terrible things about my closest friends when I'm pissed off. If they had seen them written down like that...they'd probably kill me.

I would absolutely love to say that BuzzingNoise!!

One thing it has done....it is has absolutely killed my desire to get caught up before I finish.

I am a work-a-holic. I have a remote sign on from home which I use...A LOT!!! And I consistently work through my lunch break. I have been stressing all week about the HUGE pile of work on my desk that I need to get finished before I go. Now I don't care. I will do what I can and they can pick up the slack when I'm gone.

Not sure what you should do tbh.

I definately wouldn't admit to going through someones phone. Massive breach of privacy imo.

Why did you go through her phone?

What did you hope to acheive?

No, don't admit to looking in the phone. Say what I said to say, and if th woman says 'did you look at my phone?', you can ask 'should I? Something to hide?'