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Original poster

Friends bitching about me behind my back....

54 replies

HidingFromColleagues · 17/06/2010 15:23

I have name changed because I do not want this to become common knowledge, but I really need some advice.

I work for a very small company (husband and wife bosses, me and two other girls). The three of us are quite often left on our own and we had - I thought - become quite good friends. I am finishing work next Thursday (24th) and am meant to be going out for dinner with the 2 girls as a goodbye. They have also arranged with the bosses for a bit of a leaving lunch buffet next Thursday afternoon for me.

So today one of the girls finishes just after lunch and goes home for the day. She then rings and says she left her mobile and could I lock it in the safe for her. I know I was completely wrong to do it, but I nosed through her messages. Yes I know, it was horrible to do it and I won't even follow that up with a "but...". There are loads of messages between my two colleagues bitching about me and even messages between her and the boss' wife! I am flipping between pissed off and crying because I truly thought they were friends. I feel absolutely crushed.

My first instinct is to tell them all to f*ck off and ignore them for the next week, but then that is admitting that I looked at the phone when I shouldn't have.

I am considering simply telling them that I can't do dinner next week anymore and simply leave it at that. I can't piss off the bosses because unfortunately, I will need them as a reference.

What would you do.....

OP posts:
Original poster
HidingFromColleagues · 17/06/2010 16:03

I have absolutely no idea why I went through it. It really truly is not something I would ever even consider doing. But I did it and as I have said, I fully appreciate that I was a complete and total tit to do it.

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 17/06/2010 16:04

Hi - This must be dreadful for you, and you know you shouldn't have looked, but do they have any cause to feel like this. You have admitted that you can be a bit difficult and have had to apologise for being a 'cow'. Have you got a new job to go to? Could you perhaps use this as a wake up call to look at your behaviour? Tell me to sod off if I am overstepping the mark. And they cannot dislike you that much if they give you lifts to and from work and are organising a leaving do for you?

pinkgrapefruitjuice · 17/06/2010 16:05

Agree with LoveBeing34, I would cancel the lunch and just do the buffet thing, just tell them you dont want a fuss.

Try not to take the messages too much to heart. People do enjoy a bitch, even if they quite like you really, and as you are leaving theyre probably feeling a bit jealous and rejected. Also you dont know the context of these messages, you dont know what else was said and the biggie..you were not meant to see them! Actions are more important than words, if they are throwing you a leaving do thats a pretty nice action.

You say you are a bit of of a bear at work? so maybe this is a chance to reflect on your own behaviour, what would help you to leave on a pleasant note? Would it be appropriate to give them a present or something for all the lifts to work? Try to leave calmly and dont burn your bridges..

bibbitybobbityhat · 17/06/2010 16:06

Nasty situation, Hiding. On the bright side, at least you saw those messages when you were just about to leave and you know you'll never have to have anything to do with your colleagues after next week.

Meanwhile, here is something very funny indeed to hopefully make you smile.

FortunateHamster · 17/06/2010 16:07

If you're emigrating, screw them. You shouldn't have looked through the phone but it sounds a bit more heavy than normal work bitching (in my place everyone moans about everyone else from time to time, but doesn't seem that cruel/targeted). I wouldn't want to go and have to play nice with them. In fact I'd want some form of revenge! But I'm mean.

Original poster
HidingFromColleagues · 17/06/2010 16:08

I wouldn't tell you to sod off Exit. I have been difficult to work with, I know that. Most days, if I had a lot on or I knew it was going to be particularly stressful I would email them both the following message when I got to work in the morning:

"Busy/stressy day today...may be prone to bitchiness. Just a warning! Love ya both xxx"

We always had a laugh about it and we have had some really good giggles the last two years. Just cannot believe they think so little of me.

I don't have another job yet - will have to find one after the move.

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Original poster
HidingFromColleagues · 17/06/2010 16:13

Bibbity - that is hilarious! Thanks, I needed that.

Pinkgrapefruitjuice - I had thought of getting them each a small thank you gift (no bloody idea what though) but don't know now.

FortunateHamster - perhaps I could play loads of pranks on them for the next week? They would think it was all in good fun when I would know better???

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GeekOfTheWeek · 17/06/2010 16:14

If even you are admitting you can be a pita to work with then god knows what your colleagues think.

Do the buffet thing but cancel the meal out.

Don't nosy through other peoples things in future

vinauchocolat · 17/06/2010 16:17

Er, you shouldn't have gone through the phone. Don't admit it. Cancel lunch, do the buffet. Be lovely all week.

Just wondering though, why are you leaving your job? Could be ammunition for a constructive dismissal claim

Gibbon · 17/06/2010 16:17

I'm really sorry to say but if you're bad enough to send "Busy/stressy day today...may be prone to bitchiness. Just a warning! Love ya both xxx" on a regular basis, then maybe you have hurt them in the past far more than you imagine.

Put it behind you. You are moving on. Make and excuse and don't attend.

Original poster
HidingFromColleagues · 17/06/2010 16:18

I think I agree with you GeekoftheWeek. I think I will cancel the evening meal but carry on with the office thing.

My best friend ended her marriage because her partner was looking through her phone and I remember being shocked and angry on her behalf. I have never done anything like this before and god help me, I never will again.

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vinauchocolat · 17/06/2010 16:20

However, I must admit to bitching about colleagues in the past (very distant past) for no real reason other than being BORED OUT OF MY MIND in the office and hating my job. Perhaps they're just bored. The colleagues I bitched about weren't that bad. They did a few things to piss me off, but generally I just disliked my job. Don't take it to heart and don't admit to looking at the phone.

Magalyxyz · 17/06/2010 16:22

Wow., that must hurt. I'd get all dressed up but then just not turn up to their dinner. Text them to say something came up. Leave them to it. Let them think you got a better offer.

Original poster
HidingFromColleagues · 17/06/2010 16:23

vinauchocolat - I'm leaving because DH and I are emigrating on the 29th. Nothing to do with work.

Gibbon - I would send that email as a joke and have done it more or less since day one of this job. They know how much work gets piled on my desk and because we are/were friends I did it to let them know that if I were in a mood, it had nothing to do with them and was down to workload. Thats all.

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Pidgin · 17/06/2010 16:23

I really feel for you, Hiding, you must feel dreadful. What a nasty thing to happen.

Reading a mobile phone message to someone else is like reading a diary - it's not meant for your eyes and no good will come of it! Probably your colleagues would be embarrassed and ashamed if they knew you had found out. If I were you, I would try to keep the moral high ground - don't let on that you know, just be as civil as possible to them in your last few days and bear in mind, as pinkgrapefruitjuice said, that you don't know the context and shouldn't take the messages too much to heart. I know that I have said things behind people's backs that I don't always mean and would be mortified for them to hear - I'm not proud of it, but it's human nature.

If you do feel you've been difficult at work, maybe you could say something to them before you leave along the lines of, 'I know I haven't always been the easiest person to work with and this job hasn't brought out the best in me, so I'm sure we've all found working together difficult at times' - and nothing wrong with letting them (the other girls not your bosses) know that it's a relief to be leaving!

I'm not trying to suggest you ignore your feelings or be nice to people who you probably hate now - but I think you can rise above it and leave on a more positive note.

GetOrfMoiLand · 17/06/2010 16:23

I think you were completely out of order looking at someone else's phone. Utterly and truly. This is a hideous breach of privacy and you should realise that to do so is utterly unprofessional and bang out of order.

I would never read anyone's phone messages.

Whatever your work colleagues have said about you, it is a private conversation between them and absolutely nothing to do with you.

I don't know how you can come here and say in your OP 'oh I know I was wrong please don't have a go' etc and expect advice on how to deal with your colleague's underhand behaviour, when you are equally in the wrong yourself.

I think you should examine your own behaviour actually.

NomNom · 17/06/2010 16:24

Oh god, you poor sod. It must be awful to have that knowledge, thank goodness you're leaving.

If it were me I'd be taking the last week off sick, standing them up at the evening dinner and planting some unsavoury things around the office to go smelly about two weeks after I was on that plane to my new and better life

Then again, I'm not known for my emotional maturity

Gibbon · 17/06/2010 16:28

The point I was trying to make is that you seem aware that you may have been hard to work for/with.

Eavesdroppers seldom hear anything good of themselves and all that.

I am sorry you feel so hurt, it must have been awful to read those messages but it was foolish to do so in the first place.

At least you re leaving it all behind soon.

Original poster
HidingFromColleagues · 17/06/2010 16:29

GetOrfMoiLand - as I have said countless times, I know I was out of order looking at the phone. I will not argue that point at all. But I definitely did not ask that people "not have a go at me about it". I knew when I posted that I would open myself up for a flaming (and a completely justifiable one at that).

I know I am in the wrong and will take any and all abuse that comes my way as a result of it. I simply wanted some advice on how to approach the issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
HidingFromColleagues · 17/06/2010 16:30

NomNom - as much as I love your suggestions, I couldn't do any of them unfortunately.

OP posts:
Gibbon · 17/06/2010 16:30

I would do the buffet and cancel dinner.

Original poster
HidingFromColleagues · 17/06/2010 16:31

Pidgin - great advice thank you.

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Original poster
HidingFromColleagues · 17/06/2010 16:32

Gibbon - I understand what you are saying now and I agree with you. This job has definitely brought out the worst in me - granted, I allowed it to get this bad. If I had grown a pair and told the bosses how stressed I was getting, none of this may have happened.

OP posts:
traceybath · 17/06/2010 16:33

I wonder if you looked at the phone because you suspected you may find those type of messages.

Do agree you need to think about how you behave when stressed - if you've been pretty awful to work with you're lucky it was only a few texts to be honest.

But - still not nice for you. But hey - you leave next week and know to never again sneak a look at other people's private stuff.

Gibbon · 17/06/2010 16:36

We live and we learn hiding - Just count down the days, cancel dinner and grin and bear that buffet