She wants to live with Dad

beberose · 2010-04-19T12:51:08+00:00

My eleven year old daughter has decided out of the blue that she wants to live with her Dad. We have been apart for seven years and she has had regular access. He was very abusive to me when we were together and has continued to verbally abuse me. I feel heartbroken and let down. What should I do?

Nemofish · 19/04/2010 20:01

Has your dd mentioned this to her dad?
Was it said during a disagreement?
Is she hoping to be able to not do homework / chores if she lives with her dad?

Snuppeline · 19/04/2010 20:06

That's horrible. If he was abusive to you I can only presume he is a controlling person so to get to you he has entised you dd to believe life with him would be so much better. However, if he abused you, even if 'only' verbally, he'll do it to her too given time. So you, as the parent need to say no. I thought it was only when the children were 12 that they could legally make up their own mind? It might be a good idea just to check with your dd's father too just to see if he thinks its a good idea. Might be a possibility that she hasn't told him as well as him trying to get to you. Children say and do lots of things to hurt you, don't let it get to you too much. Take Nemofish's advise though and try to find out why she now wants to live with her dad.

Original poster

beberose · 21/04/2010 09:24

She had already discussed moving in with her dad before she told me which by the way was by email from his house, I have spoken to her dad and he thinks she is better off living with him, as he says Im a bad mother.
Last night he phoned and told me he had got her a place in the local school and that he was collecting her straight away!My daughter was very upset at the speed he was moving and decided to stay with me at the moment.

OP posts:

Thediaryofanobody · 21/04/2010 09:34

Don't let her if all this has suddenly come out when she was with him it sounds like he is manipulating her into it.
And also don't let your DD think she can chop and change her mind as she feels like it will give her a sense of power that she is too young to have or appreciate how damaging it could be to both your lives long term.

My niece started this game (very abusive father) with my aunt in her mid teens totally destroyed her relationship with her mother. She has returned home to her mother after he fathers mind games got too much and refuses to have anything to do with him now. But her mother is still quite hurt and feels used by her DD.

Original poster

beberose · 21/04/2010 11:22

I think you are right about manipulating her but she wont see that and Im the bad guy again.
If I let her go it will break my heart but if I dont she will use it against me.
I dont mean to sound like Im whinning but I have been crying all weekend.

OP posts:

Latootle · 03/05/2010 18:06

tell her she can but why not wait til she is a bit older and try and do some treaty things to help her get over it. However much we think children are coping with two homes it is very hard for them just make sure your's is the happiest place may be its a wake p call for you to look at what you do together or have you become a bit complacent as quite honestly one does. Make your home the special one to be, a friend to stay the odd night, making a cake etc etc...

colditz · 03/05/2010 18:08

I disagree entirely.

Parenting is not a competition, and just because someone was an abusive husband it does not follow that he will an abusive father. he's obviously trusted for access - what is your actual reason for not wanting her to go?

pegger · 06/05/2010 15:56

This is a terrible time for you & your daughter. I can understand how you are so tearful, you are not winging.This happened to me, but my daughter was 15 at the time. I was gutted but she went to live with her father (whom I was divorced from). It lasted 12 weeks, she rang one Sunday cying and wanting to be picked up, she had missed us.

The problem is your daughter is only 11, have you thought of getting advice? CAF CAS is an agency that mediates for problems such as this.

Oblomov · 06/05/2010 16:14

I chose to live with my dad. i loved my mum and still do. we have a very close relationship.
Agree with colditz. is not a competition.

Original poster

beberose · 07/05/2010 09:37

How can you ask what my real reason for not wanting her to go is? I have been bringing her up on my own for 11 years with a lot of harrassment from her father.
He is buying her love and dont want her to end up like me!

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 07/05/2010 09:44

I think if he is telling her you are a bad mother, continuing to verbally abuse you and he is the force behind this proposed move, he is simply doing it to hurt you.

I'm sorry I don't know what you can do but I would not let her go if there was any way to avoid it.

mummytime · 07/05/2010 10:02

Does your daughter have an adult friend you trust? I would seek one if she doesn't. One she likes and trusts, and that you can trust.
Ask them to mentor her, and to talk to her. They don't have to report back to you unless she is in physical or emotional danger (of a kind that would involve police/social services/doctor).
Agree these between the three of you, and let her spend sometime with her "friend" discussing living with her Dad, living with you.

If you can't personally think of someone, mybe there is a counsellor in her school or her school can recommend.

Good luck!

AnyFucker · 07/05/2010 17:11

colditz, I understand your sentiments but that was a pretty cold post you made there

the OP is very upset, for goodness sake

menopausemad · 07/05/2010 17:30

mummytime is giving you very good advice. She needs to talk it through with a 'safe' adult. Could you tell her this is what she needs to do but allow her, with your guidance, to choose the adult? Your heart must be breaking. I feel so for you.

Keep posting I bet someone here has, been there done that, got the tee shirt etc and will be able to help.

colditz · 07/05/2010 22:28

But your daughter's need to be with her father trumps your need to keep her with you.

If you can catagoricly state that you are a better parent and she will have a better life with you, by all means over-ride her and keep her with you.

If you honestly-in-your-heart think she would be just as well looked after with her dad - you should let her go to her dad. Upsetting as it is, she's a person, not a pet, not a project you started and must be allowed to finish, and she's not there to meet your needs, it's your (and her father's) job to meet hers in the best possible way for her.

And I KNOW how harsh this sounds, and I'll be facing it myself in a couple of years, but nevertheless - it's true.

colditz · 07/05/2010 22:31

But your daughter's need to be with her father trumps your need to keep her with you.

If you can catagoricly state that you are a better parent and she will have a better life with you, by all means over-ride her and keep her with you.

If you honestly-in-your-heart think she would be just as well looked after with her dad - you should let her go to her dad. Upsetting as it is, she's a person, not a pet, not a project you started and must be allowed to finish, and she's not there to meet your needs, it's your (and her father's) job to meet hers in the best possible way for her.

And I KNOW how harsh this sounds, and I'll be facing it myself in a couple of years, but nevertheless - it's true.

Original poster

beberose · 09/05/2010 11:31

I am bebes mum. Colditz what are you talking about. I have told bebe she is the primary carer and while the daughter is only 11 she should decide what is right for her. The man is a nasty controling person and until my granddaughter is older and can see through him she is better off with her. She is a happy clever well balanced child. All due to her caring upbringing.

OP posts:

ImSoNotTelling · 09/05/2010 11:46

So if an abusive man says he wants your children, and has persuaded your children that life with him will be peachy

You should just hand them over?

And not understanding why a mother who has raised a child for 11 years would not want to give them to someone else

?

Colditz I think you are reading things into these posts that are more about your life experience than the OP

ImSoNotTelling · 09/05/2010 11:47

beberose sorry I have no advice I have not been in this situation, I was just rather taken aback at colditz's posts

Fruitysunshine · 09/05/2010 11:52

I have to agree with Colditz, regardless of what the parents opinions of each other are, it is the welfare of the child that is most important and usually parents judgement of that can be clouded due to their opinions of each other, especially if there is perceived abuse of any kind involved.

OP your daughter is clearly confused now about who she wants to be with and from that I would take it that she feels under pressure to keep both of you happy to one extent of another. She must be aware of the hostility between you both.

Is it possible you and your exh can sit down with her together and discuss her feelings and present a united front on how things will be? That would be the ideal situation and the only way, really, to avoid lengthy and stressful litigation.

colditz · 11/05/2010 00:23

my parents lived together until I was 24, so no, nothing about my life experience.

I am a single parent, however, and I know how easy it is for your own needs to blinker you.

No abuse towards the cild has been hinted at, the only reason the OP is able to give for not letting her daughter live with her father is that the OP has been bringing her daughter up for 11 years and it will break her heart to let her go.

Of course it will, that's not in question, but it's still NOT a good enough reason to say no. that's not looking at the situation in the child's best interest, it's looking at the situation from your OWN best interest.

colditz · 11/05/2010 00:28

The fact that you are in possession of someone (in the role of primary carer) does not mean you always should be, or indeed that the point will never come when they decide for themselves that you are no longer going to be.

That 11 year old is a person. She is entitled to have a relationship with her father that is separate to that of her mother's relationship with her father.

the fact that her mother adores her, that she is well cared for, that she has a loving and supportive family already, all this is actually superfluous to her wish to live with her father.

If you don't make some allowances towards this, what will happen is this.

She will turn twelve, her father will make a petition in a court of law for residency to be changed, CAFCAS will ask your DD where she wants to live, and she will say she wants to live with her father.

The court will then decide that LEGALLY he has all residency rights and responsibilities, and YOU will get the visitation she decides to turn up for.

IS that what you want to happen? or would you like to start listening to what your daughter wants and not what you think she should want?

winnybella · 11/05/2010 00:31

Colditz- op said that her ex was 'very abusive' and still is, although only verbally now.
Yes, that doesn't mean that he will be abusive towards his daughter, but I think we can all agree he is not an ideal role model for her, is he?

FFS.

colditz · 11/05/2010 00:34

Who knows?

Nobody knows what sort of father he will be to his daughter.

people behave entirely differently to their children to the way they behave with their spouse.

I once called my ex a lazy twat - that doesn't mean I'm not fit to raise my sons in case I verbally abuse them.

By the way, saying "FFS" after a paragraph does no make your point more cogent...

solo · 11/05/2010 01:51

My exsil told her(and my Db's)son that he could have this that and the other if he came back to live with her and he was swayed. He has Asberger's(she wanted the DLA)and she is a wicked bitch who mentally abused him and neglected him and his needs and is now a lost cause as far as his aggression and murderous thoughts are concerned. Children can be 'bought' by talk of lots of pocket money and laptops and ponies...
I am dreading Dd's father trying this and I truly believe he will.
I hope things work out for you OP. Good luck.