She wants to live with Dad

[beberose]

My eleven year old daughter has decided out of the blue that she wants to live with her Dad. We have been apart for seven years and she has had regular access. He was very abusive to me when we were together and has continued to verbally abuse me. I feel heartbroken and let down. What should I do?

Yes, colditz, who knows? We only have OP's word for what kind of person he is. And , of course, just because someone is a shitty partner, doesn't mean that they'll be horrible parent. But there's a world of difference between, for example, calling your h a twat and beating the shit out of him. I would argue that someone who is abusive towards his partner and therefore exposes his children to this abuse is not a great parent.
Further, if such concerns are present, I think 11 yo is way to young to be able to make an informed decision.

Thankyou winnybella and solo x

I think the legal age to chose is 15?
Until then it is up to the parent, or a court of law.

Children as young as 11 is easily manipulated, and can easily throw into their mothers face that "I want to live with dad", not because they mean it but they have been persuaded they will have a better life, with more presents, ice cream every day, etc.

There is also the continuity, ripping an 11 year old away from her friends, her school, her activities, to suddenly live with a father she has not lived with full time for nearly an entire life, is not easily done.

Colditz, I dont know what your issue is, but it is not like you to take such a stance.

I think ct is picking up on the op saying she feels let down.

OP does your daughter know what you ex is like? I am not saying that she should be told allt he gory details of course just wondering how much she understands about why you are not together.

I think it is quite normal for children to go through this phase of wanting to live wiht the other parent, how much influence your ex has had we'll never really know. I agree with the early post of asking if there is anyone she could talk to who is on neither side to dicuss this.

I think it is pretty natural to feel a little let down. After all, her ex is telling her dd that she is a crap mum, and her dd is seen to collaborate with this, or allow her self to be manipulated. Either way, it should not be rushed.

My daughter dosent really know the extent of the abuse, and I dont want to tell her for fear of influencing her.
I want her to maintain a good relationship with her father, but I just dont want her to live with him.

my point was never that the child of 11 should be handed over willy nilly to a crap dad just because she may have been manipulated into wanting to go.

My point was that unless the OP is sure that the child has got a much better life with her, and will get a better upbringing than with her father, her daughter should be allowed to choose where she lives.

And also that if she doesn't tackle this now, when it's actually up to the mother where the child lives, she might have to tackle it in 3 years time when it will be up to the daughter where she lives.

And the daughter may by then feel so much resentment at not being heard in the first place that she will want to leave.

May I also apologise for my terseness in my original posts, and say that I had a lot of health problems at the beginning of this month, was in a lot of pain and was a great deal ruder than I otherwise would have been.

I hope youget this sorted out to yours and your daughter's satisfation, beberose

Thankyou colditz, get well soon.