Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Would you make your child aplogise if they were not at all sorry?

47 replies

LynetteScavo · 22/01/2010 20:53

DS (11) hates his teacher (and I guess the feeling is pretty mutual). At the end of school today he told her he hopes she is killed in a car crash over the weekend so he never has to see her again.

She told me this over the phone, and says she is shaken and very hurt by his comment. My gut reaction was to make his apologise, but I've decided I'm not going to. It would be a false apology. She is making his life totally miserable; many tears when he comes out of school,and he's started to wet the bed again. He truly wishes he never had to see her again.

So I know what I'm going to do. WWYD?

OP posts:

shonaspurtle · 22/01/2010 20:58

Wishing you would never see someone again is one thing. Wishing someone dead and telling them that is pretty offensive.

Sorry, there's obviously a lot of back story here but he should apologise for that.

janeite · 22/01/2010 21:01

Good Lord. He is lucky that the school haven't excluded him. I would be absolutely horrified if my child said that. What dreadful things has she done to 'deserve' it?

thisisyesterday · 22/01/2010 21:02

well, short answer, no, i wouldn't make them apologise if they weren't sorry. there is no point

I would however want to get to the bottom of it, and there would be a BIG talk with ds who, at 11, should know better than to talk to people like that.
he needs to be told it was inappropriate, and you should point out that it would be nice to apologise to the teacher

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

hippipotamiHasLost77lbs · 22/01/2010 21:04

I think there are two issues here - the problems between your ds and the teacher, and his violent thought.
One is acceptable, the other a bit much.

I think he needs to apologise for wishing her dead - because no matter how much you hate someone to wish them dead and telling them so is bang out of order.
But he does not need to apologise for not liking her.

I would go into school and try to discuss it. Make it plain you don't accept his choice of words and that he is sorry for those. But then use it as an opening to exactly what has brought those feelings on.

Is he Y6 or Y7?

NKfffffffffe9 · 22/01/2010 21:04

Sorry, but I agree. He should apologise for wishing her dead but you should be there to explain how unhappy he is and how unhappy she is making him. I think 11 is old enough to appreciate that some things, however upset we are, should not be said.

heQet · 22/01/2010 21:08

Normally I would say yes. Make them apologise even if they don't mean it. Because that's how society works! In order to be able to rub along together, there are rules. Niceties if you will. courtesy, consideration, respect... and making the odd apology just for the sake of getting along.

However, it seems there's a big problem here that needs addressing. He should apologise for wishing her dead - that is a horrible thing to say and totally unacceptable.

But perhaps a meeting between them, with you there and someone else from the school, so he can talk about how he feels and what he feels she is doing to him. And maybe they can sort it out.

How is she making his life miserable? What is she doing?

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 22/01/2010 21:12

Wow. These are really strong words. It does sound like alot's gone on between him and his teacher that really does need addressing as this has now gone to far. You should approach the head on Monday and see if he can be moved into a different class. For a teacher to be able to do their job (it's not just teaching, they help children in other ways so that they can also grow as a person IYSWIM), there needs to be mutual respect which there is clearly not.

You need to tell him that no matter what a person has done, it is very wrong to wish them ill in this way. He has crossed the line and he really should appologise for this, it will show maturity. Only you can make him see that he was in the wrong, there is wrong on both sides however but he has crossed the line here.

messygarden · 22/01/2010 21:16

In this situation, I don't think it's appropriate for him to apologise first of all.

I would be going in to see the teacher and I would say that I am sorry that she has been shaken by his comments. Then tell her that you need to discuss the reasons why your DS said this. (Not sure if you've been in to see her before), but she is clearly upseting him quite seriously if he is wetting the bed and crying about her. My brother (at a younger age, maybe 7/8) had to see a child psychologist over the behaviour of a teacher - she was terrorising the kids and they were actually wetting themselves in total fear during her lessons. The psychologist concluded that the teacher was at fault. Anyway, a bit off topic, but she needs to understand the impact of her behaviour on a child in her care IMO. What teacher is she - a form teacher or subject teacher etc? How much does he have to see her, could he switch sets or anything like that?

ahundredtimes · 22/01/2010 21:17

It's pretty strong Lynette. I wouldn't go for the apology actually, I would tell him it was disrespectful, rude and unacceptable and not okay. That you do understand what motivated him to say it.

What is she doing to make him so sad and angry?

I think you definitely need to intervene, apology or not. Call to see teacher and HT if you can, without him there maybe first of all. Tell them both you think it was an indefensible, and disrespectful thing to say, and that you have told him this.

Then say, 'but as the adults in the room, we do need to look at what motivated him to say it. I think he was feeling cross for these reason - blah blah blah. What do you think teachers?'

ahundredtimes · 22/01/2010 21:18

Oh and did you talk about it further on the phone?

I think I would ask him to write a letter of apology actually. For reasons to do with moral high ground.

PixieOnaLeaf · 22/01/2010 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 22/01/2010 21:35

Hmmm. DH and I have asked for a meeting with the Head, first thing Monday morning, but not sure if that will happen yet, but the school knows we are available.

I asked him if he would like to be moved to the parallel class, but he said no, becuause of one particular child who is in that class. (That's a whole different story; that child was pemanantly excluded form another school, and terrorises the class)

I've told DS we can't go on with him being this unhappy....we had a little blub session together after tea. I've told him, if things haven't improved by half term, we will seriously have to consider home educating untill September, when he will start high school.

I've no idea what the teacher does to make DS so unhappy. All he says is that "she annoys me". I have heard stories from other parents about what she has done to their children, and DS confirms is when I ask him, but won't/can't tell me about anything that happens at school. He just cries.

I'm prepared to apologise to the teacher...I am sorry he said it. I will be talking to him about it over the weekend, but being the willful little thing he is, I actually don't think I could make him if I wanted to.

OP posts:

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 22/01/2010 21:39

You need to find out what's been going on in the class to be honest. Is there a favourite uncle/aunt/grandparent he can speak to? Could he write it all down?

thisisyesterday · 22/01/2010 21:40

i would take him out right now.

seriously. this woman is making him cry, and wet the bed??? really, don';t keep making him go

lou031205 · 22/01/2010 21:42

He needs to apologise for using those words, which isn't the same thing as being sorry for feeling strongly.

I would be horrified, tbh, if my child had said that to their teacher.

ahundredtimes · 22/01/2010 21:43

Yes, I think you need to find out too. From his point of view. Is it definitely the teacher? Anything else?

If he can't quite articulate what is making him unhappy, then if you see HT the conversation can be around his crying, his unhappiness, his bed wetting and the fact he won't talk about it. Can they help? The teacher might be able to shed some light on everything.

It sounds like something is really getting at him, doesn't it. Poor lad.

PixieOnaLeaf · 22/01/2010 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Adair · 22/01/2010 21:44

Lynette, he is 11. He shouldn't be crying over the behaviour of a teacher.

You are doing the right thing by meeting the Head asap- to be honest if he is in Year 6 I would keep him home til you have dealt with it. WTF is the teacher doing?!

I am a teacher and it makes me so what unprofessional colleagues I have sometimes.

Lots of love to your son - and yes, the 'it's not good to say things like that' chat can come later. And ignore the stupid 'shaken up' comment. She is an adult FFS. Hopefully she has been shaken up to realising the effect of her teaching style. REally. How the hell does she run her class? WEtting the bed?!

ahundredtimes · 22/01/2010 21:45

Oh but also, I think you should explain to him why he should apologize, because what he said was cruel.

MollieO · 22/01/2010 21:48

Is there a school counsellor he can speak to in confidence? If not your GP could refer him. I agree with others, no problem not liking the teacher but I would be very concerned at what he said to her.

Paolosgirl · 22/01/2010 21:53

I agree with the others - it's 2 seperate issues imo. Telling anyone that you wish them dead is horrible, and yes, I think he should be made to apologise for that.

On the other hand, if she is so hideous a teacher that he's scared of her and is now wetting the bed because of her, then I'd be furious and would want to find out exactly what had been happening.

Poor thing - no child should have to go through school this way

MattSmithIsNotMyLoveSlave · 22/01/2010 21:59

I think you need to talk through with him what he said. No matter how much you dislike someone it is never appropriate to wish that they are killed in a car crash, still less so to their face. And at 11 I would expect a child to have grasped that much.

So I wouldn't "make" him apologise, but I'd be extremely disappointed and TBH quite worried if, after some time to think about it, he couldn't see for himself that he should apologise for that part of what he said.

But if home education is genuinely an option for you (which it sounds as though it is) I would probably not wait for half term but start home edding now. If he's this unhappy things are not going to change radically in the next three weeks and it doesn't sound as though there's any realistic prospect of moving to another class.

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 22/01/2010 22:01

In the teachers defence, DS is very sensitive, and was diagnosed 3 years ago as having "generalised anxiety disorder", so while she is quite OTT at times, and parents have complained to the school, I think most kids will come out of it unscathed.

The school recognises DS strugles with the school environment at times, and have said they will make sure he has apropriate support to help him with the transition to high school. I'm worried I would be sacrificing that support by taking him out of school untill September.

You are right, there are two seperate issues here. Thank you for helping me realise that.

OP posts:

Paolosgirl · 22/01/2010 22:04

Have you suggested the home ed route to him (sorry, I haven't read all the posts) - if so, how did he take the suggestion?

thisisyesterday · 22/01/2010 22:05

but Lynette, surely better that you HE and have a happy child, than accept their "help" and have him so traumatised he is crying and wetting the bed

and i think the fact that most kids come out unscathed is not a good thing either! it isn't a positive thing that some of them "survive" this teacher.

if parents have complained about her before i'd really want to see something being done about it

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread