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Original poster

Would you make your child aplogise if they were not at all sorry?

47 replies

LynetteScavo · 22/01/2010 20:53

DS (11) hates his teacher (and I guess the feeling is pretty mutual). At the end of school today he told her he hopes she is killed in a car crash over the weekend so he never has to see her again.

She told me this over the phone, and says she is shaken and very hurt by his comment. My gut reaction was to make his apologise, but I've decided I'm not going to. It would be a false apology. She is making his life totally miserable; many tears when he comes out of school,and he's started to wet the bed again. He truly wishes he never had to see her again.

So I know what I'm going to do. WWYD?

OP posts:

Adair · 22/01/2010 22:06

No, no, no.

He is a child. Children say stupid things. YEs, he needs to know he is wrong but

he has been CRYING after school and WETTING THE BED because of what is going on at school.

Can we stop banging on about a freakin' apology and find out what the hell is going on at school? Does the Head KNOW what is happening? I honestly would not let him alone with this woman until I could be confident of his safety and security. Assuming your son does not cry at every slight negative remark, of course.

Not good. If it is not the teacher causing the behaviour, then she is certainly not helping - I can honestly say that if a child said that to me, I would be CONCERNED not baying for his effin' blood. And yes, eventually would understand that it's not acceptable to say that, bla bla.

thisisyesterday · 22/01/2010 22:06

AND i don't think that him being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder is in her defence at all#

in fact, she ought to be making an effort to accomodate him. not terrorise him along with everyone else and hope he comes out ok at the end of it

Adair · 22/01/2010 22:08

cross-posted but absolutely agree with Thisisyesterday.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

ahundredtimes · 22/01/2010 22:12

Yes, you see if a child said that to me, I'd think 'hang on, you've really gone over the edge here, whatever is going on?'

Perhaps the teacher did think that, and that is why she rang you up?

junglist1 · 24/01/2010 13:26

Wow that child must be so distressed to come out with that. I'd tell her actually my child won't be apologising until she admits what she's been doing to him. Unless he's particularly sensitive or prone to these outbursts normally, which doesn't sound like is the case here. Wetting the bed because of her is very serious

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 24/01/2010 15:07

My tummy has been doing flips all weekend, and this afternoon DH has said he thinks DS shouldn't go back to school until this has been sorted out. This is very radical for DH (he's such a conformist) and I'm going along with it, but feel torn in two. On the one hand I want DS to go to school, on the other I don't want to keep putting him into a situation which is making him so unhappy.

Where do we legally stand with this? What will the school mark him down as? Unauthorised absence?

OP posts:

hippipotamiHasLost77lbs · 24/01/2010 15:45

I think the school will mark him down as unauthorised but don't worry about that. Just make sure you tell them why you are keeping him off and ask for a meeting with both the head and said teacher. Only send him back once this is sorted out.

Your poor ds - I hope you can sort this out easily.

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 24/01/2010 21:12

I agree with hippi, you need to find out what's been going on before you can send him back. There's no way I'd send my son back to a class where the teacher is making his life so miserable he wets the bed.

Adair · 25/01/2010 20:03

How was today? Did you meet with the Head? Was ds a little happier being at home for a bonus day?

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 25/01/2010 20:52

Well, it has all got a little complicated. Some information I was previously unaware of has come to light.

I don't want to go into great detail under my usual posting name.

I spoke to the head today, who has been very understanding. The school ed psych was also in school, and I spoke with her. Aparently DS's teacher has concerns about his nervous behaviour in school.

DS won't be in school tommorow, but he will be writing an apology to the teacher, on the advice of the ed psych.

The ed psych will be recommending DS's teacher "back off". DH and I are hopeful.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 25/01/2010 20:56

yeah well does his teacher realise that she is to blame for his nervous behaviour in school???

start another thread under a different nam if you want to talk about the other issues LS

was the ed psych helpful?

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 25/01/2010 21:16

Yes, the ed psych was very, very helpful. Before she even met DS she knew exactly why he was so upset. The teacher and DS are going to be given stratagies to help them both work together, so we can all get through the next term and a half happily.

OP posts:

Adair · 25/01/2010 21:18

what thisisyesterday said.

I wish you well. Nervous behaviour or not... inclusion is about accommodating children, not throwing them in and hoping they cope. Your ds deserves some understanding. Am glad it seems the ed psych and Head are on your side. Don't be bullied by the excuses of the teacher. No child should be wetting the bed because they hate being in school/hate a teacher so much. If she was so concerned, why is this the first you've heard of it?

Best wishes.

Goblinchild · 25/01/2010 21:23

As a teacher, what he said is minor compared to the distress, powerlessness and rage he is feeling. He needs support and help and you need to work out what has gone wrong and see how fixable it is.
Taking him out won't resolve the problem, or help next time a situation deteriorates this far. He needs help to work out strategies and to move out of the corner he's backed into.
I'm a teacher.
My son kept a Death List at 13, with a dozen names and symbols for how much he hated someone. It included three teachers. We worked out what were the stressers and what to do next and things improved to the point of contentment and calm.

thisisyesterday · 25/01/2010 21:24

i hope it all works out ok for you, and him of course, LS.

and don't be scared to take him out if it isn't getting better.
he needs to know you're on his side and ythat you will do what needs to be done. any other issues can be taken care of regardless of whether or not he in school

i can understand a teeny bit how you feel, because ds1 was unhappy at his pre-school and I eventually took him out. I have no idea why it was such a huge deal for me but it took me ages to decide to do it because every time i told myself it was the right thing for him, another voice was saying "but maybe it's just YOU, maybe he's ok there, what will people say??" etc
it's hard going against what you feel you ought to be doing.

as I say, this is only teeny compared to your situation, it must be even harder contemplating taking a child oiut of school once they're this far through it.

but remember HE is your main priority, so do what you need to do!

Adair · 26/01/2010 06:59

I agree with Goblinchild that he needs strategies, but I am a teacher as well and think the teacher bears some responsibility for the situation.

As said before, I wouldn't take him back before I could be sure he was safe and secure. I do believe in resilience but he needs to know you will protect him first and foremost. This will give him the security to build up that resilience.

hippipotamiHasLost77lbs · 26/01/2010 07:55

So glad to hear you have the ed psych and the head on side.
I hope this can be resolved and your ds has a good end to the school year.

Goblinchild · 26/01/2010 07:55

'I agree with Goblinchild that he needs strategies, but I am a teacher as well and think the teacher bears some responsibility for the situation.'

I completely agree with you Adair, he sounds frightened and cornered by the adult, the circumstances and his feelings. I'm bothered that it's gone so far without the teacher being more positive and proactive in trying to find a solution, or asking for other input from parent, Ed Psych, Learning Mentor etc.

Adair · 26/01/2010 08:04

Yes, 'cornered', exactly.

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 26/01/2010 20:30

How is it that strangers on Mumsnet,with the bare minimum of information, and an ed psych who has never met DS can have such insight in to the situation, when his class teacher who is with him 5 days a week can be so blinkered?

Cornered sums it up completely.

Thank you all for you interest, support and insight.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 26/01/2010 20:35

lynette, I guess the teacher is used to doing things her way and having , on the whole, children who adapt to that (whether they like it or not!)
the fact that other people have told stories about what she is like just confirms this- perhaps you (and your son) are just one of the first people who have ever stood up to her about it??

Goblinchild · 26/01/2010 20:36

It feels as if I've been teaching forever, but long ago when I was new and shiny I asked a similar question about another colleague.
And I was told that I had three years of experience, but she had one year's experience seventeen times. Some people don't like learning new things, especially about themselves.

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