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Original poster

To move unwilling children to spare husband long commute-or not?

41 replies

cosyviking · 09/01/2010 18:09

Hi. I'd welcome advice from anyone with similar experience. My husband has been driving nearly 2 hours each way to work since starting new job last year. We could all move-I have spent the past few months investigating options. Lovely area, excellent schools(as opposed to currently average one.) So far sounds like no brainer but 3 children extremely happy in village where we live, all find change very difficult, sons in year 8 and 9, ie difficult time to change school and fast approaching GCSE options.I know everybody different but would trauma be likely to last years?Help-going round in circles on this one!

OP posts:
teaandcakeplease · 09/01/2010 21:44

I know this is obvious - but the kids are old enough to sit at a table with and talk it all out with on the pros and cons, at a basic level. Have you tried it?

They may surprise you and say "yes let's move". After you've laid it all out for them to see.

Far better than you living with the guilt alone, if you make the decision without them.

CMOTdibbler · 09/01/2010 21:50

Well, that sort of commute just isn't sustainable for your DH is it ? Must really grind him down, quite apart from seriously cutting into his family time.

Best to move now before GCSE options isn't it ? Yes, they'll find it hard to move from their friends, but children adapt quickly and make new friends fast

nulgirl · 09/01/2010 21:54

My parents moved us when I was about to go into my last year at school. They did it for the "greater good". It suited my 2 younger brothers to move then and my dad was away every week and only saw us at the weekend. Mum was in effect a single parent to 3 kids, various animals and a huge house.

The effect that it had on me personally was that I went from a student who was predicted to get pretty much straight As in my A levels to getting CDD instead. Personally it was a bit of a disaster too to leave all my friends. It took me until having my kids over 13 years later to really establish a good social circle again.

I am not bitter with my parents as I understand why they did it as I have always been the more resiliant than my brothers but it did have a big effect on me.

Your children are a bit younger so it may not have such a big impact. Discuss it with them and see what they say. If you are going to go for it then you should do it as soon as possible and not when they are embarking on their A-levels

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LillianGish · 09/01/2010 21:56

What CMOTdibbler said. I think kids adapt quickly and it's no bad thing for them to learn to adapt either. Lovely area, excellent schools - it is a no brainer.

scrappydappydoo · 09/01/2010 22:02

I agree that they are old enough to understand and discuss with. Can you think of lots of positives for them - i.e new town/ school has this facility etc.
In this day and age of email and facebook they can still keep in contact with friends and maybe you could start talking now about old friends coming to stay over in holidays etc.
Nobody likes change, I think a lot of it is how you sell it to them..

LillianGish · 09/01/2010 23:06

Just wanted to add my parents moved twice - just after O levels when I was 16 and just after A levels at 18. The worst move for me was at 18. They moved and I went to university - I hated going home in the holidays as I knew noone and I never went home in the middle of term. I suppose I mean that if you think your husband's new job is long term, the sooner you move the better so the dcs can start making a new life - which doesn't mean they have to lose touch with all their old friends, just that they'll get lots of new ones.

hatwoman · 09/01/2010 23:14

people often say stuff like children adapt quickly and make friends easily. it's a wild generalisation and often untrue. we moved a year ago - dds are in yr 5 and 3 - so quite a lot younger than yours. and, although I think we're ok now, it was pretty devastating for dd1 - we had taken the thing about kids being adaptable as a bit of an article of faith - and massively underestimated the impact it would have.

I can't add more - but just wanted to say that you need to think in terms of your kids - not kids generally. You know them better than anyone else. I think too that talking to them is the best way forward (we're facing the same decision soon - and even at their younger age I'm thinking we need to have a pretty consultative approach)

callaird · 09/01/2010 23:21

We moved when I was 15 and my younger brother was 9. We were both fine! I really didn't want to go, 2 weeks into my last school year with kids who had been frinds throughout school and I didn't want to go "home" for a weekend to see family!!

My brother went into the last year of Juniors and he adapted easily too.

I was (still am!) very shy and always found it hard to make friends, but being the new girl, everyone wanted to know all about me, where I came from, why, etc.

Found it easy to settle in.

domesticextremist · 09/01/2010 23:32

My dh does that sort of commute but on the train - I havent even considered moving tbh. I think its his fault for working in such a stupid place and that he can move jobs if it bothers him... [terrible wife emoticon]

nooka · 09/01/2010 23:37

I went with the kids are fine with moves line too, and found that it wasn't true at all. My dd was totally fine, but for my ds it has been very painful and knocked his self confidence terribly. What you can't predict is whether the new school will suit them, whether other children will be nice to them, and whether they will find new friends. My experience with my children (and this tallies with other expats I know) is that the older you are the harder the move is, and the more extrovert the easier. I am afraid that if your children find change very difficult, then they will probably find the move very difficult. They might adapt quickly, or not, and they might be angry and upset for quite a long time - it is possible that might last for several years.

My mum (a teacher) changed schools because of a long commute and a difficult work environment. It was probably a very sensible decision, but she came to teach at my school, and I absolutely hated it. Different circumstances of course, but it really wrecked our relationship (took maybe 10 years to recover). I am afraid that I saw her choice as ruining my life, and it is possible your children could feel that about moving for their dad's happiness.

Original poster
cosyviking · 10/01/2010 12:40

Thanks everyone for your thougts/experiences. Yes, we have discussed it with them, pros cons, etc but they still appalled and older two will not discuss it further or look at school info, etc.When I explain that we can no longer afford fuel and car repair bills equally appalled at suggestion that Dad stays down there in week( which he pretty much refuses to do anyway) so all feeling like my decision anyway.You are right it's better to go now-otherwise it is too late-but stories of years of distress makes me fearful for them and that would not help me "sell it" as would absolutely be necessary.You Tube, etc would make friend contact still possible but don't want to sub for real life...Glad some of you survived intact.

OP posts:
AvadaKedavra · 10/01/2010 12:43

Can you compromise and move closer to his work to cut his commute but extending yours/your Dcs by a little with them remaining at current school? I wouldn't move them as teenagers after having done the same thing and my eldest "suffering" as she has put it.

2 hours each way much be awful Poor DH.

moondog · 10/01/2010 12:50

Better to move your children and have proper time together than drive you poor dh into an early grave with a 4 hour commute.

No brainer to me.I moved all over the world from birth to 18. My sisters and I are all professional people with p/g qualifications.

edam · 10/01/2010 12:57

How secure is dh's job? Could he find a job closer to home? (I appreciate this may be tough atm.)

We moved house a lot when I was a kid and it's true that moves when we were at high school were a lot harder. But equally your kids can't take priority over dh's needs, or him over them... as teenagers, I guess they do automatically think the world revolves around them but there has to be some negotiation here.

vvvodka · 10/01/2010 12:58

move

elvislives · 10/01/2010 13:30

I think better to move in Y8 and Y9 than in Y10 and Y11.

JackBauer · 10/01/2010 13:46

We also moved a lot as a child, we moved houses when I was 4, 9, 14, 17 and then I left home at 18 and my mum has moved 3 more times.
I moved schools and had to drop back a year to do my GCSE's as the board/options were different, so if you want to go, go now.
Didn't bother me, other people had longer term friends but I had penpals and could go and visit my old friends if I wanted, and they lived 2-3 hours away by train.
Yes, school was harder but I agree that your DH can't sustain that sort of travelling for much longer.

E45 · 10/01/2010 13:54

Tell them they won't have to move, the commute will kill their father and then it will be academic.

My DH commutes just over an hour each way by road and that is more than enough.

cece · 10/01/2010 14:00

LOL when I read your thread title I thought you had a spare DH! Only clicked to find out how you had managed it!

cat64 · 10/01/2010 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nooka · 10/01/2010 19:40

What sort of discussion did you have with your children? Because if you implied that there was a choice and that their opinions were important, and then decide that you are going to move anyway then you may have set up a very difficult dynamic. My sister had this with sending her son to weekly boarding school - appeared to offer him the choice, but then made the decision in any case. He was very clear that if that's the way it was going to be they shouldn't have pretended he had a choice (obviously because they thought it was the right thing to do that he would come around, but it doesn't always work like that).

GrimmaTheNome · 10/01/2010 19:59

How's your DH coping with the commute? - it sounds excessive. And how do you all cope with not having him around much (presuming he works a full day in between). Is he able to do stuff with the kids and you at weekends or is he exhausted?

If he's thriving on it, fine. If he's knackered and has no quality of life then something needs to change. [my DH had heart problems following job move/long commute ... so now he does consultancy from home. And has time for DD and me]

Change is not always a bad thing, you know, and if you're going to do it then really with your DCs ages it has to be this summer.

GoddessInTheKitchen · 11/01/2010 01:48

is dh the main earner? do the dc's live off his earnings? do they expect food on the table? what i'm trying to say is that it sounds like moving is necessary for dh who is the breadwinner? (i'm assuming so forgive me if i'm wrong but in any case i take it you need the money he works for) the ds you are talking about should be old enough to understand that although its not ideal for him, that it is something that needs to be done for the good of the family

personally i would feel terrible for dh working full days? and commuting 4 hours a day on top of that

Original poster
cosyviking · 11/01/2010 17:30

You are right about money-my wage is much less and job more fflexible. Do feel awful for him but also for wrench to three sensitive young. Plus afraid of missing my family and friends of course. Think in long run you probably talking sense.Thanks!

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Original poster
cosyviking · 11/01/2010 17:34

Really DON'T have the energy for that option! You've cheered me up, cece!XX

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