To move unwilling children to spare husband long commute-or not?

[cosyviking]

Hi. I'd welcome advice from anyone with similar experience. My husband has been driving nearly 2 hours each way to work since starting new job last year. We could all move-I have spent the past few months investigating options. Lovely area, excellent schools(as opposed to currently average one.) So far sounds like no brainer but 3 children extremely happy in village where we live, all find change very difficult, sons in year 8 and 9, ie difficult time to change school and fast approaching GCSE options.I know everybody different but would trauma be likely to last years?Help-going round in circles on this one!

You haven't answered why he took a job with a four hour commute?does he want to move? Did he underestimate the journey?

I moved schools every year of my life until the age of 11 (Services child). Then i went to a boarding school but was expelled at age 13. Went to a local school as a day-girl then and got better than expected results in my exams, as not having all my mates there to muck about with actually helped me knuckle down and concentrate!

I think kids are quite resiliant to change, if handled well and communication always kept going.

However a 4 hour round trip for your DH sounds like hell on earth and in the end something will have to give.... his health, your relationship..etc

I would therefore, in your position, move.

He was given the impression it would be possible to work from home more than it is-loads of meetings.Also he was so desperate to get out of previous job which meant him travelling all over country and away for a lot of the time.He doesn't want the responsibility of moving everyone so just ploughs on...

Thanks for message. Hope all goes well for you allx

Please don;t give your children the ultimations suggested - such as it would be their fault their father worked himself to death, etc. Can you imagine how horrific and damaging that could be, even if he didn't? These are still young children on the whole and do not sdersrve that level of guilt and pressure on them.

Is there no way your DH can consider a job closer to home?

Once out DD was settled at school we made the decision as a family to only have work within a certan radus so as to not have to move her.

I am afraid not all children cope well with move, especially if it is forced upon them with no discussion.

I am not saying you shouldn't move, but I do think you need to consider ALL the options.

This is really hard.

On the one hand, your DH's commute is unsustainable and soul destroying (unless he is "hard" in a Mrs Thatcher type way!).

On the other hand, we moved when my brother was 13. He was absolutely mortified (although he didn't change schools as my mum drove him 45 mins each way to avoid this) and he was forever saying he hated the new place etc etc (I had left home at this point). He was really miserable about it for a number of years.

Like others have suggested, could your DH change jobs? It seems like there is a lot at stake for you moving as well, leaving all your family and friends is difficult. Overall, I'd be resistant to moving in your situation.

The only thing I can think of is for your DH to stay near work for maybe 1 or 2 nights a week to cut the 20 hours commuting a week to 16 or 12 hours. That would avoid him being gone the whole week.

My parents moved house a lot and I moved schools three times (the latest aged 13) and was fine. My parents wouldn't have given me and my brother a choice, they did it because they had to for Dad's job.

I was no doubt inconsolable before we left, but once it happened I was OK. There were good bits about changing schools at that age -- I changed my name (going from a long name to a shorter version), lost weight and sort of reinvented myself so I became a cool kid at the new school. I was a fat loser at the old one.

I would say that I feel your DH is more important than your DC regarding something like this. Your DC will have to learn to cope with change, and at least this way, you'll to be there to help them with the process. (Not like when they go away alone to Uni, for example.)

Thanks-I have decided this is right too-need encouraging stories to help along the way now. glad it turned out well for you.Wonder if I could reinvent a bit too---Hmmm!
x

I moved school halfway through the first term of Year 8. Told it was going to happen at end of Year 7, cried my eyes out and thought life had ended for whole time until the move.

BUT was completely and utterly fine! New school was great and had loads of friends. Did fine in 'O' levels too.

They will think their lives have ended for a while and then they will be absolutely fine too. The benefits FAR outweigh a few weeks of teenage/tweenage angst.

Good luck.

Moved in (the equivalent of what is now) Year 8 and my sister in Year 5 - good move for me - Dsis found it difficult to make friends initially but was fine after.

Moved again in Year 12 for me and Year 9 for Dsis - I hated it - I had to restart my A levels as different school had different exam board, whereas Dsis did really well and formed friends that she still has now 20 years later.

Its such a hard decision but you have to look at what is best for the whole family - I know if DH had a commute like that then he would be continually tired and grumpy and therefore useless at weekends which would ultimately impact on our quality of life.

Yes, move. The extra time your dh will have, will mitigate the temporary negative effects on your children. He will be able to help with any adjustment, catch up work, settling. I would move.

I'm not so sure I agree with all those urging you to move. Is your dh's job totally secure - is he likely to still be there in 5 year's time? We have decided that we are not prepared to move just to follow dh's job - he has been made redundant 3 times in the last seven years. Perhaps the decision is easier for us because we love where we live, schools are ok, etc. Dh has done a long commute but although he found the driving hard he managed to get home at a reasonable time by going in early...

I know someone whose husband has been doing daily 3-4 hour commutes for SEVEN years -- and they have FIVE young children. Madness!

Life is full of changes and I humbly submit it may be in your children's worst interests to keep shielding them from it.

Move. You have to go where the job is - its one of life's lessons. And \I speak as a mother of 4 children of under 7 whose DH has jst been offered a job on the other side of the world. /i don't want to take my own advice, but i know I need to.

Your DH is clearly going to spend a great part of the 4 hours saved in commuting with your DC. A dad who is around al lot more, and has more money to spend on them, will wint ehm over in the end.

That amount of commuting is not good for either your DH or family life. I would move.

Poor you-puts our potential move into perspective.Hope it turns out to be a great adventure for all of you. Good luck!