Barely speaking to in-laws - WWYD?

[Bambinoloveseggbirds]

Bit of background. DH and I got married in October. We aren't centre of the attention types and have had a stressful year - moved house, I suffered from PNA and really struggled as a first time mum, DH made redundant - so we just went off and got married without telling anyone. Told everyone after and almost everyone was overjoyed for us, bar MiL - in fact, she went so mad she told DH that she'd never forgive him.

A week or so later, DH got a text from her asking us to drop DS round there for the afternoon (something we have never done anyway so I was a bit ). I told DH no, as I was not going to put DS in the middle of an unresolved row so DH just ignored the text. I asked DH to go and see his mum and sort it out once and for all, which he told me he had. Funny thing is, I don't think he has at all, or if he did, it was very half hearted.

I have seen them a few times since (about 3) but the atmosphere is so tense like it will kick off at any minute. His mum doesn't even look at me if I try to talk to her, his sister won't even sit down when I offer her a chair and spends all the time making digs from DS going to nursery (she thinks he's too young) to me piling clothes up in the kitchen (that's where the dryer is on laundry day) - all the while DH is tripping over himself being so sickly nice to them kissing their arses whilst they are rude to me in my own home. I asked him why he is being like that when we haven't done anything wrong and I get the "stop nagging" look. We are in our late 30s and 40s respectively and, I think, entitled to have the wedding we wanted.

I have rambled lots, sorry, and there is far more background but I should get to the point. DS is 1 next week. Would you invite them to lunch for DS' birthday knowing that there will be an atmosphere and probably a row as I imagine the sister will get extra gobby with a beer in her, or - if asked - say we're not doing anything as DS will be 1 and won't even notice?

I just want good memories of my son's first birthday.

Many thanks

Post is so long. Very sorry.

My Mil doesn't realise how lucky she is. She has both her children and 5 grandchildren all with 10 minutes of her but still can't let them live their lives..

lol, it ain't grim up north is it

Candidly, I think it's extraordinarily selfish to get married without family being there tbh. I mean unless there are hideous family circumstances and history which warrant that sort of behaviour.

So I think you both caused some hurt here and you should both bend over backwards to deal with the aftermath. Which probably does involve apologising repeatedly and just, you know generally making up.

Incidentally perpetuating this rift is only going to hurt your DH and your DS. I figure the more people who love my children the better. Don't cut that off.

Harried, you're entitled to your opinion. Let's agree to disagree.

Yes of course Glad you've taken straight talking in good spirit

But y'know, just because you think that HIL and SIL shouldn't feel hurt, doesn't mean that they don't feel hurt. And therefore it probably behoves you and your DH to put things right rather than make things worse.

OP, I could have almost written your post!

My mil has not been in my house since she was spectacularly rude to me in my home just over 6 months ago, and I have only seen her twice since then. I snapped and made it clear her opinions were unwelcome, and tbh, whilst the relationship has suffered probably irreparably, I felt really empowered by standing up to an opinionated bully in my own home.

I am in no doubt that I am being portrayed as a baddie and her the victim, but I don't care.

Having said that, I would suggest it would be a more positive outcome if you / DH (although sons never seem to stand up to their Mums) could handle the situation in a more positive way than I did. Does his family have to visit you at your home? Could you arrange to do things at a neutral venue, such as the park / local restaurant? Could you try to turn it round so that you appear to pity them for their mean minded comments and only want to help? - something like 'It must be rough feeling so critical all the time, have you thought about taking some vitamins? Do they realise their comments rile you? If so, this may be encouraging them to continue (in a perverse kind of way).

I keep meaning to read the Toxic In-laws book, and I have got 'Women who think too much' which is to do with trying to think more positively about things and not dwelling on things that upset you. (I haven't read it though - I seem to have this notion that by buying a book and leaving it next to your bed, the information is absorbed into your brain by osmosis )

I hope things work out for you, (and btw don't invite them to birthday party - it's something you want to enjoy, and with your in-laws around, you will hate it). Ultimately, you (or your DH) may not be able to change your in-laws' behaviour, but you can either change how much you see of them, and in what circumstances, or how you react to them, and whether you let them get under your skin.

FWIW, in the 2 occasions I have had to see in-laws since the summer, I have managed to affect a serene, somewhat deaf, slightly spaced out persona. It's worked for me.

I do the spaced-out persona too

I reckon they think I am on drugs

< evil cackle >

I wish I was!

TheYearOfTheCat, you should see what I'm dealing with here. Can't do a neutral venue such as park or pub lunch for example as MiL and SiL wouldn't agree to it (we have tried in the past). If they are not in each other's houses or shopping, they seem to go into social meltdown, and I think this is key. They live in some kind of bygone age where all the family lived in the same street with an open door policy and did EVERYTHING together (MiL went on SiL's honeymoon for example) Slightly off topic, but FFS, when DS was first home and the HV was checking my section scar here, my MiL didn't even think to leave the room, she just sat there like she had a right to. I was too tired then to care but afterwards I did this face a lot > and that should have been a warning of things to come.

They want me to fit in with their idea of what a family should be and I can't because it involves doing everything THEIR way only, and as has been proved, if you dare to live your own life, you'll be made to suffer.

Hi bambino, just caught up with the thread. It's amazing how there are so many similarities. My DH is also a lovely guy and hates confrontation, the 'nice guy' which is precisely why i married him in the first place. But the flip side is that he did not want to hurt/upset his mother who had done so much for him all her life.

You are doing the right thing by setting some boundaries with your MIL and letting your DH know about this. All you need to do now is STAND FIRM. Do not let your DH get around you and somehow avoid standing up to his mother on your behalf. My DH tried to do this a few times but i knew what he was up to and refused to budge. Luckily he had the decency and backbone to do the right by me even if it meant speaking some unpleasant home truths to his mum.

I cannot recommend the Toxic In Laws book highly enough, it is highly enlightening and positive, both DH and I read it and i think it was one of the things that actually helped DH see the light about his mother.

Whose wedding is it anyway? Is it hell selfish to get married by yourself. It's your wedding FFS.

Sod apologising for that. What tosh. I get very tired of people telling me - and others - that what they want is more important than what I want for my life.

By that same token, relatives who insist on being at your wedding should apologise for imposing their preferences for your wedding on to you then, right?

ItsGrim my sentiments exactly. Where is it written down that weddings must involve family and there must be a celebration. Funnily enough, so many people (mostly men) have said how they wished they'd got married the same way.

Wanttostartfresh I looked at Toxic in laws on Amazon at the weekend. DH has an account there, but even I'm not cheeky enough to ask him to get it for me . I will buy it during my lunch hour one day I think.

She sounds a bit horrible, but how would you feel if your son married without telling you?

I wanted to have a quiet wedding like that but my friend said that it wasn't fair on the parents. So in the end we had the parents to the registry office then a quiet reception/meal with friends.

Now I have DD I know I would be hurt if she married without telling me.

This does not excuse all the rest of the insults though.

Miggsie, it would be his choice and I would happy for him, I really would. Your parents had their wedding day the way they wanted, why can't you have yours. That's the way I see it anyway.

I am astonished at all the people telling you that it's a terrible thing to get married without inviting the world and his wife, Bambino. We also got married privately with only my brothers as witnesses. They were chosen not because they were my brothers but because they were very nearby and (crucially) able to keep their mouths shut about it all.

When we got married, DH's parents were very upset and the first time we saw them afterwards they sobbed for about half an hour as if DH had told them he had a terminal illness rather than that we had just got married. Then they bought us some crockery of a pattern that we do not like and had not ever asked for but which is my MIL's favourite. By contrast, my parents wished us well, were genuinely delighted, and gave us a cheque for some money to spend on our new house. We had not asked for presents, obviously.

I really think a marriage is between the two people concerned. If you want to invite other relatives or friends, that's entirely up to you.

As for the rest of your MIL's behaviour, she clearly has a problem with boundaries (going on SIL's honeymoon??? WTF?) and probably needs to be stopped in her tracks before she takes it further.

If I were you, I would have a nice family meal or whatever at home for your son's birthday and invite the in-laws to a restaurant etc for lunch on a different date to celebrate. That way they have no grounds for feeling left out and the bad feeling will at least not spoil the actual day of your son's one and only first birthday. There is no need to let them know that you are not inviting them - just don't do it. If they don't like restaurants, that's their look out, IMO. It's your son's birthday and you and DH should celebrate it how you like. And that should not include anyone at all making you feel bad. Your DH really needs to back you up on this one which probably means you need to point out in detail exactly what they are doing that makes you feel so upset. Reading between the lines, I am pretty sure you won't have any problems coming up with examples!

Hi Horton. I feel your pain. When DH told his mum she sobbed too. We didn't want any presents either but my Mum & Dad gave us a cheque which was very kind of them.

Obvisouly, I don't think MiL will be giving us a gift any time soon. In fact, since he told her (and she told SiL), they have never directly mentioned it, just been really really shitty - so it's like the proverbial elephant in the room. This is why I want to keep DS away from them for now as I know a huge row is imminent as is always the case when things are left to fester. I don't want it to get that bad and I hope DH talks to his mum properly soon.

I don't think men listen to conversations do they. I have asked him time and time again to listen properly and pick up on the insults and react there and then but he says he doesn't notice. Used to it I suppose.

BTW. SiL actually invited MiL on honeymoon, they are that close. I bet BiL was chuffed

Oh looky my name has changed in honour of DS' crush on my friend.

"I am astonished at all the people telling you that it's a terrible thing to get married without inviting the world and his wife, Bambino."

Rubbish! People are saying that they can understand why a mother might be hurt or upset about not being invited to their son or daughter's wedding. They are showing the ability to empathise; not demonise the op or you either Horton. But simply to see where some of the ill-feeling in this situation may have arisen.

My Mum and Dad got married without telling anyone and my maternal grandmother took a while to get over it, but she did.
Scoot forward a bit to a year after my Mum has died and I get a phonecall from my Dad saying he had got married to his partner. Not unexpected due to previous form. BUT, I was a little hurt. I suppose I didn't feel important enough to be informed what he was doing. That it was an important and special day for him, but not enough to let me know. There were obviously other things going on that contributed to my feelings being hurt.
I have a much better relationship with my fil and his now wife. They knew how hurt I had been reagrding my Dad and had said to them, if they ever got married, could they tell me even if they didn't want us present, which is what they did. They had parents present and had a few people round for tea afterwards.
Because the relationship is good, I respected their wishes and was happy for them and care enough for each other to be comfortable that it wasn't a reflection of how they felt about me and my dh.
I think if you consider your relationship with people before you have a secret wedding, you can make predictions about how they will react afterwards and what you might be confronted with. They may be being unreasonable in many ways but is that any different to how they behave regarding other things too?
It seems OP's mil has previous form and so dh should have seen it coming. A bit bad to be ducking out. Annoying how some men don't quite get how "their" family has an impact on their family.
Sorry, not sure what I wanted to say here.

It didn't sound like that to me on my first reading, bibbity! Apologies if I have misread you or anyone else. But I genuinely do not think that your parent has any grounds to feel upset by not being invited to your wedding. Unless, you know, you invited everyone they know but not them or something.

Bambino, I thought I was the only one who had to deal with the mad sobbing. At my fortieth birthday party a year or so later, MIL sidled up to my dad and said wasn't it a shame and how selfish and weren't you sad not to be invited etc. My dad, to his eternal credit, said 'No, not at all. I am very pleased that they did it how they wanted.' He thinks she's as barking as I do.