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Original poster

Barely speaking to in-laws - WWYD?

70 replies

Bambinoloveseggbirds · 02/01/2010 19:53

Bit of background. DH and I got married in October. We aren't centre of the attention types and have had a stressful year - moved house, I suffered from PNA and really struggled as a first time mum, DH made redundant - so we just went off and got married without telling anyone. Told everyone after and almost everyone was overjoyed for us, bar MiL - in fact, she went so mad she told DH that she'd never forgive him.

A week or so later, DH got a text from her asking us to drop DS round there for the afternoon (something we have never done anyway so I was a bit ). I told DH no, as I was not going to put DS in the middle of an unresolved row so DH just ignored the text. I asked DH to go and see his mum and sort it out once and for all, which he told me he had. Funny thing is, I don't think he has at all, or if he did, it was very half hearted.

I have seen them a few times since (about 3) but the atmosphere is so tense like it will kick off at any minute. His mum doesn't even look at me if I try to talk to her, his sister won't even sit down when I offer her a chair and spends all the time making digs from DS going to nursery (she thinks he's too young) to me piling clothes up in the kitchen (that's where the dryer is on laundry day) - all the while DH is tripping over himself being so sickly nice to them kissing their arses whilst they are rude to me in my own home. I asked him why he is being like that when we haven't done anything wrong and I get the "stop nagging" look. We are in our late 30s and 40s respectively and, I think, entitled to have the wedding we wanted.

I have rambled lots, sorry, and there is far more background but I should get to the point. DS is 1 next week. Would you invite them to lunch for DS' birthday knowing that there will be an atmosphere and probably a row as I imagine the sister will get extra gobby with a beer in her, or - if asked - say we're not doing anything as DS will be 1 and won't even notice?

I just want good memories of my son's first birthday.

Many thanks

Post is so long. Very sorry.

OP posts:
WhatFuckingYearIsItAnyway · 02/01/2010 20:09

no, I wouldn't invite them

what you post is enough for me to say that, if there is even more...

I would also make sure they know you are having little bash-ette and the reason why they are not invited

your biggest problem though, I think, is the spineless manner in which your DH is acting

he should grow some bollox, IMO and tell his family if they don't treat his home and his wife with the respect they deserve, then they are not welcome

Original poster
Bambinoloveseggbirds · 02/01/2010 20:20

Thank you WhatFuckingYear. I have had that conversation with him. I was so angry last week that I called him a spineless twat. It was a horrible thing to say but only said because his sister came in and immediately said we were stupid for not having our TV on the wall. I have bitten my lip all year as the insults aren't anything new, and he hasn't defended me once if I'm honest.

The wider issue here is that I am losing more and more respect for DH by the day. DH has lost his job and is down and I don't want to add to that, but equally, I feel that he should be tackling his family and more than ever we should be a united front. We didn't kill anyone did we, just got bloody married.

OP posts:
WhatFuckingYearIsItAnyway · 02/01/2010 20:26

yes, you should be a united front

what else do we have, other than our own little nuclear family ? You should be tight as a drum, IMO

his family (females anyway) sound horrid, is your FIL involved at all ?

if he remains so spineless, and they keep having digs, the whole situation is going to go spectacularly tits-up when you lose your temper and say some home truths...is he prepared for that ?

at the moment, it is salvageable if he will step in and make it clear negative comments from them are not welcome and will not be tolerated

ask him if by not acting now, he is prepared to have to make a choice between you and his family ?

he really doesn't want it to get that far

Original poster
Bambinoloveseggbirds · 02/01/2010 20:33

I have tried to explain that to him. I rarely lose my temper but when I do, it's not pretty.

FiL, bless him, died a few years back. He'd have been happy for us funnily enough.

You know, I think I am going to tell DH to tell them that they aren't welcome in our home until they get over us getting married, or show some respect. Sod this pussying around, it's his family and he needs to sort it for the sake me DS and I.

OP posts:
spongebrainbigpants · 02/01/2010 20:35

Bambino, I could have written your post . We also got married on our own (nearly 10 years now) and MIL didn't speak to me for 6 mths.

We now have 2 DSs and she has been an interfering old bag since the first one was born 18 mths ago. It finally came to a head this Christmas and we had a huge row - dh finally stood up to her and laid it on the line. As whatfucking says, he knew that if he didn't tell her to back off I would tell her and it wouldn't be pretty .

I think you need to have a serious word with dh and tell him how important this is.

Hope it works out.

spongebrainbigpants · 02/01/2010 20:37

x-posted Bambino - that's exactly what dh has said, that if next time they come up they completely freeze me out, then they won't be allowed back and will have no access to our DC either. They have no right to treat you like that.

wanttostartafresh · 02/01/2010 20:41

me, too, been there done that. In my case it did nearly reach breaking point with me telling DH it was either me or his mother. He finally realised how bad things had got and had a 'word' with his mother. However she is far too old to change in any significant way, so with DH's blessing, i now do not see her at all. he goes there to visit with DC's or they come here when I'm out. Works pretty well.

Btw, i would highly recommend a book called Toxic In Laws by Susan Forward, wish i'd read it years ago, things might not have got this bad. Never mind.

Original poster
Bambinoloveseggbirds · 02/01/2010 20:55

Spongebrainbigpants and wanttostartafresh - thank you so much. Sounds so familiar. MiL and SiL have been PITAs since DS arrived and it had got to the point where DH would take DS to see MiL when I was a work. I couldn't face being around her as she made me feel so crap as a mum, and when she could see that I was learning and doing ok with DS, instead of saying that, she picked on something else - like telling me it was about time I sorted my hair .

I want DH to tell them that they are not welcome and the reasons why but he is so bloody frightened of upsetting his mum. I fear that an ultimatum will be on the cards.

OP posts:
spongebrainbigpants · 02/01/2010 21:09

I'm sure my MIL would rather see my DCs without me, but I'm not prepared to do that tbh cos I don't trust her to look after them - two examples, when DS1 was only a few weeks old she gave him a feed and let him suck on the empty bottle for a few minutes "for comfort" . He had such bad wind he screamed for two hours .

When we started weaning him I told her she musn't push food into his mouth as it was a choking hazard (we were doing BLW) and when I popped into the kitchen for 5 mins I came back to find her shoving food in his mouth ! So I absolutely won't have her looking after my kids without me.

May look for that book .

WinkyWinkola · 02/01/2010 21:26

TBH, his mum sounds like a bully and if your dh stood up to her just a few times, she would soon toe the line. However, perhaps you'll have to do it instead. Let her know that you won't stand for any nonsense.

There is no way you should have to accept anyone being rude to you even for the sake of your ds seeing his relatives.

I wouldn't invite them to the party unless significant progress was made between now and then.

Original poster
Bambinoloveseggbirds · 02/01/2010 21:33

I don't think any progress will be made. She is a bully and the Sil is worse. How any human being could make a new mum feel as low as they have made me feel over the past year is beyond me. DH doesn't get it and I'm sick of trying to explain why I'm so down.

OP posts:
WhatFuckingYearIsItAnyway · 02/01/2010 21:37

yes, people who put down mew mums, especially ones they are related to and should be supporting are very low and tbh, to be pitied

bambino, perhaps you should show your DH this thread

he needs a wake-up call

StayFrostyTheSnowMam · 02/01/2010 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Bambinoloveseggbirds · 02/01/2010 21:49

I should shouldn't I. I am going to try and talk to him tomorrow. I don't get that he can't see how bad this has got.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/01/2010 21:52

sometimes blokes are thick

or more likely they pretend to be, for a quiet life, so they don't have to step up and do something they struggle with

like grow a pair

AnyFucker · 02/01/2010 21:53

oops sorry, just realised I changed back to usual name

I am the other sweary fucker on this thread...

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 02/01/2010 21:53

If my son got married without telling me, let alone without inviting me, I would be terribly hurt and upset. I would find it incredibly hard to get over, even if I did my utmost to put myself in his shoes.

abbierhodes · 02/01/2010 21:56

I was going to say what bibbitybobbity said tbh. They don't sound nice, and you shouldn't put up with their rudeness, but I'd be devestated if one of my DSs got married without involving me.

AnyFucker · 02/01/2010 21:57

but bibbity, would you carry on a tirade of nastiness, risking being erased from your son's life forever ?

and drag your daughter into it too, making personal remarks and making a new mum feel like shit ?

as a MIL, you have to accept you are not in charge of your son's new family, you are not the matriarch, and the natural order of things is that you have to take a backseat....

and swallow any disappointmnt you might have

AnyFucker · 02/01/2010 21:59

no, not ideal to be excluded from your son's wedding

but you have to accept, it was his choice as a grown man and father in his own right

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 02/01/2010 22:03

No, all I am saying is something major like this (no biggie to the op, but major to the mil) can cause enormous family ructions. Op dismisses it as "bit of background", mil might possibly see it as most hurtful experience of her life. Possibly.

Original poster
Bambinoloveseggbirds · 02/01/2010 22:04

But bibitybobby, his mum always said that she bet he'd just turn up one day married. She kind of gave him the green light IMO which is why we thought she wouldn't mind.

Also, like AnyFcuker says, would you do those things? I spent the first 6 months of my son's life sobbing most days when DH was at work because of things MiL said - they got so under my skin that I thought my DS hated me and didn't feel good enough as a mum or a person. OK, I was a very anxious new mum but blimey, it's like she thought, how can I make DiL feel like shit, oh yes, OK then I'll do that.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbitysantahat · 02/01/2010 22:06

Sorry, I probably have mil-hatred fatigue.

Will leave thread.

Original poster
Bambinoloveseggbirds · 02/01/2010 22:06

The thing is, if I could do it again, I'd do it the same way because I am grown up and I wanted my wedding to be for DH and I. My Dad is a Catholic and I'm his only DD and he was happy for us.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/01/2010 22:10

some mil's deserve it, bibbity

err, you know like I so respect you and all that....