Barely speaking to in-laws - WWYD?

[Bambinoloveseggbirds]

Bit of background. DH and I got married in October. We aren't centre of the attention types and have had a stressful year - moved house, I suffered from PNA and really struggled as a first time mum, DH made redundant - so we just went off and got married without telling anyone. Told everyone after and almost everyone was overjoyed for us, bar MiL - in fact, she went so mad she told DH that she'd never forgive him.

A week or so later, DH got a text from her asking us to drop DS round there for the afternoon (something we have never done anyway so I was a bit ). I told DH no, as I was not going to put DS in the middle of an unresolved row so DH just ignored the text. I asked DH to go and see his mum and sort it out once and for all, which he told me he had. Funny thing is, I don't think he has at all, or if he did, it was very half hearted.

I have seen them a few times since (about 3) but the atmosphere is so tense like it will kick off at any minute. His mum doesn't even look at me if I try to talk to her, his sister won't even sit down when I offer her a chair and spends all the time making digs from DS going to nursery (she thinks he's too young) to me piling clothes up in the kitchen (that's where the dryer is on laundry day) - all the while DH is tripping over himself being so sickly nice to them kissing their arses whilst they are rude to me in my own home. I asked him why he is being like that when we haven't done anything wrong and I get the "stop nagging" look. We are in our late 30s and 40s respectively and, I think, entitled to have the wedding we wanted.

I have rambled lots, sorry, and there is far more background but I should get to the point. DS is 1 next week. Would you invite them to lunch for DS' birthday knowing that there will be an atmosphere and probably a row as I imagine the sister will get extra gobby with a beer in her, or - if asked - say we're not doing anything as DS will be 1 and won't even notice?

I just want good memories of my son's first birthday.

Many thanks

Post is so long. Very sorry.

I wanted to get married like that Bambino. At first dh was all for it, but then said his mum would never forgive him so I said OK we'll invite her but then we'll have to invite mine as well. It went on like that until dh had the world and it's uncle coming and I was hard put to come up with equivalents that I actually wanted to be there! The result? The wedding dh wanted and one I would rather forget.

If I knew what I do now, I'd have alientated my MIL-to-be and gone off into the sunset with dh by ourselves. She hates me anyway and has always behaved towards me like yours does.

She's senile now poor old dear and half the time doesn't know who I am, though she knows dh and dd. Consequently, it's very easy to be nice to her now.

Stick to your guns and tell your dh that he's a grown boy and can fight his own battles with evil MILs from hell, but you're not doing it for him, and your ds is not being put in the middle (believe me, my dd was dragged in there by MIL; I didn't think anyone would stoop so low but she constantly surprised me with the depths she'd sink to!)

Ok then Fucker

Jux, I will stick to my guns. I am at the end of my tether now and all I want to do is protect DS from this hence my OP, I do not want an even 1% risk of a row happening at his birthday tea.

I don't know what I will say yet, bit I am going to talk to DH and tell him everything. Calmly though as I think he switches off when I go on.

bibbity noooooo

shit, maybe I got you mixed up with someone else

did you or did you not advise me to stay off relationship threads 'cos they were doing my head in ?

and you started off your advice by saying "AF, you know how I like and respect you, but..."

btw, I lasted 24 hrs

bump so bibbity sees this

Ok, seen it, thanks fucker. Sorry for going off on tangent op.

sorry bibbity, will try to be less obscure in future

If my ds wanted to get married without me there or anyone there, I'd accept it as what he wanted. Why would you be devastated at his choice? It's not about you, love. Sorry.

I can see a lot of problematic mils cropping up in the next 20 years thinking they are still the centre of their children's worlds, unable to accept that what they want from their children is the simply not most important thing.

Thanks for all your support everyone. I need to gather my thoughts today and have it out with DH. Even if he does talk to his mum, I still think he will give her the watered down version, but he does need to get across that it's done and they need to get over it.

You know, when he told her we got married, one of the things she said is "I'm all on my own now", which I found very telling, and which backs up It'sGrim's point.

good luck, bambino

I spoke with DH who immediately went on the defensive. I told him that I don't want his family at DS' tea and until things are sorted out between them - and I mean really sorted out, not lip service - I don't want to see them. He said he will see his Mum this week but it was all said in that arsey "stop going on" voice.

I told him that I had had my fill of his family this year and that they've been horrid to me even though they knew I was struggling with anxiety and had little confidence as a new mum. He said that he knew and that he'd sort it this week. Well, I best watch this space I guess.

If he rolls over on this again, I intend to write everything down that has happened this year, every comment, every putdown and if he ignores that then I'm not sure what will become of us. He is looking for a new job at the mo and I'm almost tempted to say let's relocate, but my job is in London so need to stay pretty close.

aww, that doesn't sound very positive, tbh

are you sure he knows how much is at stake here ?

AF, it doesn't on paper does it. He is a very mild mannered man (something that attracted me to him in the first place), and hates confrontation, but he will get what I am saying eventually. I am not going to let things lie this time and stew for months. I will keep on and he will do something about this.

I know what you mean, my DH would be the same

he is just too nice, can't bash 'em for that, tbh

he will get it eventually

don't do the dirty work for him though, 'cos that will be playing into their hands

the trouble is if DH's are too "nice" the person who usually takes the shit wicket is their wife

I always remember how when my dc's were still in their pram (bear with me, this is a ramble). When walking along a busy street he would always barge into my ankles rather than be so rude as to push the pram into some stranger's path

I was always "I have pram, you move" mentality

Aww, AF, your DH sounds like mine - avoid confrontation at any cost, even if your wife loses her ankles .

You know, he really is lovely. He has let me lie in almost every day over Xmas as I had a cold, and he is a fantastic dad. He's rubbish at cleaning and cooking but he'll give anything a go. I just wish he'd be a bit more grrr IYSWIM.

DS starts nursery next week which I think is another reason for their attitude. SiL wanted me to let MiL have DS all week "to give her something to do". but I was always adamant that I wanted DS to have a couple of days per week at nursery from around this age. It's a personal choice and one that DH wanted too.

My friends say that they can see plain as day that the root of all this is jealousy; their kids grown up and flown/flying the nest whereas we're just starting out. I'm sad that they can't be happy for us. I don't want to shut them out, I want DS to know them, but not if they can't be civil to his mum.

Oh dear, now that was rambling. Sorry AF.

you sound like me 10 yrs ago

been there, done that

FWIW, my DH did get a bit tougher, under my instruction and now he is more supportive (if only in private, but it does help)

his mother made the mistake of crossing the line, even trampling over her precious son in the process, a couple of times

it was a wake-up call for him

give 'em enough rope...and all that

but he will always be a nice guy, I thank my lucky stars sometimes when I see some of the abusive twats that some people are married to (MN was a real eye-opener for me...)

good luck, it will be ok

Thanks AF, for your advice and kind words. I know what you mean about the twats some have to put up with - Relationships is a real eye opener at times. I'm glad I have my DH, he will toughen up under AnyFuckers my tutelage.

...

"SiL wanted me to let MiL have DS all week "to give her something to do"."

You and your ds are really not responsible for giving your mil something to do. She is responsible for that, as a grown up woman.

Letting her look after him would exacerbate the problems that already exist. You really would find yourself with a competitor to be his mother. Very wise to put him into nursery.

Keep being reasonable but firm with your dh. Don't go on and on about the issue but don't give in either. If you give in, it lets him off the hook of dealing with this problem and given the chance, he won't want to deal with it.

a-ha

another sensible northener

are you a northener IGUN ?

Op your mil sounds like a piece of work.

But tbh I can understand why she might be upset at you getting married without telling her. I also don't think that it's about MILs having a sense of entitlement/being the centre of their children's worlds but more that weddings are a family occasion and it is a little selfish to not consider family worthy of having a part in what is one of the most important days in a couple's life.

Just look at how many children at weddings threads there are, where the overall feeling is that weddings are for families and that children should be included. it amounts to the same if you elope and get married without wanting anyone there to share your special day.

I think in this case there is a lot more to it than just the wedding, but I also think that there are a lot of DILs who seem to think that once they are married the mil suddenly loses all entitlement to a relationship with her child. I just think sometimes people need to think about that a bit more, especially those who have sons..

"weddings are a family occasion"

I'm sorry Wannabe, but to us, weddings (marriage) is a personal committment between two people and should be carried out and celebrated how those two people see fit. If DS did the same as us, I would respect his wishes. I think it is a very personal choice how you get married.

ItsGrim, she has been competing to be his mother since he was born. I had to practically ignore her for months so I could bond with my DS.

Yep, I'm a northerner but live down south now. It's not really grim up north. I just hear that a lot down south......

I think more people need to respect the wishes of the bride and groom as it's their day, nobody else's and certainly not nurse a grudge about their wedding choices. It's very childish.

".... once they are married the mil suddenly loses all entitlement to a relationship with her child.."

The key word here is "child" - therein lies the problem. Too many mothers cannot let their adult child go and make decisions for himself (seeing as we're talking about sons), live his life and regard himself as capable of making choices that might not put their mother first.

It's not about not entitling a relationship with their child - it's about women not being able to be with a man whose mother does not allow him to be a grown up or respect his decisions. Yes, that man is still that mother's child but he is not a kid. He's a man.

I think if mothers of grown up children recognised this and accepted it, there would be an awful lot fewer issues and fewer mil posts on MN!

You know, this weird competing to be a mother's child is so destructive.

A very dear friend of mine was driven to utter depression because she felt so very upset and undermined by her mil just dying to be her grandson's mother. The stuff that woman did was really out of order. It was terrible to watch.

I think as a result of observing this odd woman's behaviour my views of mils are skewed. I just KNOW there are some good ones out there!