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Original poster

manipulating son, but im desperate to see my grandson

33 replies

ihatethecold · 28/12/2009 09:06

my son has a long history of lying and manipulating his family usually to get money, he has recently spent his H/Benefit so my parents bailed him out.
anyway he texts me for money (he doesnt work and is lazy)
i wouldnt send him any and he accused me of not caring about his newborn DS. he said the money was for milk. i told him he had an extra £400 that he spent in december that wasnt his.
he needs to learn to budget and to get himself a job to provide for his family.
anyway, on boxing day i get an abusive nasty email from his aunt, saying i dont care about him im evil etc.
this has really upset me as my son has gone to my ex's family over xmas with his tale of woe and they have fallen for it,
he will have failed to mention all the money he stole in dec.
i really want to see my GS this week, have him over to stay for the night. but my sons girlfriend doesn't have her own mobile so i can text her direct. my son wont answer his phone (he loves to play the victim)
i cant just pop round as i live 65 miles away.
i dont know what to do?

OP posts:

comefollowthatstarwithme · 28/12/2009 09:15

Sorry you are having such a tough time .
Not sure what to tell you to do really but didn't want your post to go unanswered.
Does your dil have a fb account or email address so you could just contact her?

Original poster

ihatethecold · 28/12/2009 09:39

no, they dont have a computer.
do you think i should text to see if i can have him. god i feel like an idiot.

OP posts:

GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 28/12/2009 09:44

Sounds tricky. How old is newborn?

I doubt any mum will let her newborn go and stay over on his own 65 miles away with anybody. If you want to see the baby, I think you need to invite the whole little family, not just the baby.

merrycompo · 28/12/2009 09:46

A newborn isn't likely to stay the night surely?

Tbh until you and your son make up the likelihood of a relationship with your grandson isn't very likely

it wouldn't be fair to put your daughter in law in the middle

Original poster

ihatethecold · 28/12/2009 10:02

i wouldnt ever put her in the middle, i asked them when we all visited a couple of weeks ago if they need any help with him then to just ask, he has been to stay overnight with her mum.
they are quite young and are finding the lack of sleep hard.
i dont want to speak to the dil to say anything bad about my son. just to let her know that i can help if she needs it

OP posts:

GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 28/12/2009 10:09

Does her mum live nearby the young couple? Chances are that the babys mum and her own mum, has a better relationship than you and your son. She will have told her mum all sorts of things about the baby, and they would have seen eachother more regularly, I suspect. The other grandmother is probably therefore in a better position than you to offer support, and get to build a relationship with the baby.

Especially if this couple is young and struggling, and your son is manipulative and lazy, spend money like there is no tomorrow, and dont work. This young mum will need all the support she can get, so be thankful she has her mum around.

Can you go visit?

Can you tell your other family that you are trying to teach your son to budget, as he has no work, and has already received plenty from you, and although they are very kind and goodhearted, they are NOT helping him by giving him more money. (dont accuse him of theft, it will muddle the waters)

Original poster

ihatethecold · 28/12/2009 10:25

i dont want to speak to the other family, they are not nice people and it will turn into an arguement.
believe me they are not kind and good hearted,
i agree the other gran is in a much better situation to provide support, she lives close by and her daughter only left home 6 months ago.
im scared of losing contact and not seeing my gs.

OP posts:

zookeeper · 28/12/2009 10:33

I would really try to cultivate a relationship mow with your son's girlfriend and eventually her family because if he's as bad as you say I can't see the relationship lasting. I would drive up if I had to

Original poster

ihatethecold · 28/12/2009 11:18

zookeeper, thats exactly what my dh says.. its difficult as she has no phone or email, my son has the only mobile. which he doesnt answer.

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 28/12/2009 11:22

Could you buy your DIL a prepaid mobile and send her telephone cards occasionally?

Original poster

ihatethecold · 28/12/2009 11:26

good thinking. i do have a mobile which they asked if they could have. i hesitated because he sells/loses things that have any value that are given to him
but i think i will give that to her,

OP posts:

zookeeper · 29/12/2009 09:54

I know it's along way to drive on the offchance but if it were my grandchild I would really try to go up there as often as I could - you could say that you were in the area and just popping in? You don't have to stay long - just enough to make your dil see that you are not a threat or going to cause an argument? Anything that keeps you in some kind of touch with the dil has got to be good..

Original poster

ihatethecold · 30/12/2009 09:29

i have texted them to say i have their DS xmas present under my tree, and if they need a break then we would love to have my DGS if it helps, but ive had no response.

OP posts:

zookeeper · 30/12/2009 15:04

but he's newborn - she's unlikely to want to let him spend the night with you sixty miles away - that's not a helpful offer of help! Mentioning present under tree is a little bit matryrish.

zookeeper · 30/12/2009 15:04

martyrish

Uriel · 30/12/2009 15:23

If you really want to see your GS this week, then I think you should travel to him. It's unreasonable imo, not to say naive, to think that a mum would let you have newborn GS overnight, 65 miles away.

tatt · 30/12/2009 15:31

if the baby is newborn then you go to see them, you don't expect them to visit you.

If either of my children had a baby (god forbid as they are teenagers) 65 miles would not stop me visiting.

mollythetortoise · 30/12/2009 15:40

i agree that 65 miles is not far away. It's an hours drive - 1.5 hours at most.
I drove a 6 hour round trip on Monday to see family.

And you are not being "helpful" saying you will have your dgs overnight. It would come across to me as a slightly ridiculous offer of help with a newborn.

And saying present is under tree is also barmy and IMO, designed to put pressure on the new parents - so should they drive 65 miles to you to collect it?

I am sure you do not have your own agenda here and perhaps I am misunderstanding your posts but this situation seems a bit odd.

coldtits · 30/12/2009 15:45

You need to travel to them in a few weeks when the dust has settled. Ignore all the aunties etc - they don't know your son fucks about with money.

Once you catch them in (drop in at around 10 am or 7 in the evening to be surest) collar his gf on her own, and say to her that the support for her is always there if she needs it - but will come in the form of groceries, not cash.

Heated · 30/12/2009 15:49

It's unrealistic to expect to have a nb to stay. Would suggest you visit and build up a relationship with the mother and your gc, and put useless son out of the equation.

Perhaps plan something else in the area to do so you don't stay too long in the first instance. And rather than money which might go elsewhere, buy useful gifts for the baby (since son isn't likely to be providing) or take a meal that she'll be sure to appreciate. Offer to take the baby for a walk in the pram, or do some housework and mind the baby whilst she gets 40 winks. But don't be a cash-cow.

As to abusive messages from the rest of the family it's hard to know what to say without potentially risking that relationship you want with your gc. I think you always have to tell the truth but would say nothing unless asked directly. A lack of response sometimes is effective as they have no idea how it's been received.

Original poster

ihatethecold · 31/12/2009 08:19

i have been to visit a couple of times and taken my younger kids down to meet their nephew.
i only mentioned that i had the xmas present because my DS told everyone i hadnt bothered getting my GS a xmas present, not because i want them to come to me to get it.
they dont drive so i always go to them to visit.
i understand what you are saying about a mum not letting her newborn stay somewhere miles away. i just wanted to offer as she has been away from him already as he went to hers mums house for the night so they could get some sleep.
i just want her to know the offer is there. im not at all offended if he doesnt.
my son will play the victim and i want her to know i care about her and my gs

OP posts:

zookeeper · 31/12/2009 09:28

the more you say the less sympathy I have. Post or deliver the bloody present rather than send plaintive messages that there is one uner the tree - what good is that if they can't or won't come to you? And again your offer of "help" is worse than no offer of help.

Turn up there with the present with a smile on your face and no accusations. Stay ten minutes if you feel that it's a bad time. Leave nappies on the doorstep if noone's in. Repeat until your dil realisess that you are there for her.

coldtits · 31/12/2009 10:05

I don'thave any less sympathy for yu, and I don't see why you're facing scepticism.

But then, on Planet Mumsnet, it's unheard of for babies to sleep away from their more, whereas many of us know that in real life it's quite common for a granny to take over occASIONALLY and let a family catch up on rest.

zookeeper · 31/12/2009 16:29

Planet mumsnet? I don't know of any families where a newborn would be dispatched to granny 65 miles away

Original poster

ihatethecold · 31/12/2009 16:50

maybe zookeeper you live in a perfect world where families arent complicated.
i came on here to ask advice not to be told i shouldn't be offering help by saying IF they need a break i would love to help.
whats wrong with that?

thanks coldtits, they do know he takes the mick with money but as he has burnt his bridges with my parents and brother because of money/lies he feeds them with alsorts of BS to keep them on side.
i dont plan on responding to the email as they are not worth the effort!

OP posts:

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