manipulating son, but im desperate to see my grandson

[ihatethecold]

my son has a long history of lying and manipulating his family usually to get money, he has recently spent his H/Benefit so my parents bailed him out.
anyway he texts me for money (he doesnt work and is lazy)
i wouldnt send him any and he accused me of not caring about his newborn DS. he said the money was for milk. i told him he had an extra £400 that he spent in december that wasnt his.
he needs to learn to budget and to get himself a job to provide for his family.
anyway, on boxing day i get an abusive nasty email from his aunt, saying i dont care about him im evil etc.
this has really upset me as my son has gone to my ex's family over xmas with his tale of woe and they have fallen for it,
he will have failed to mention all the money he stole in dec.
i really want to see my GS this week, have him over to stay for the night. but my sons girlfriend doesn't have her own mobile so i can text her direct. my son wont answer his phone (he loves to play the victim)
i cant just pop round as i live 65 miles away.
i dont know what to do?

that must be it Ihatethecold [hmmm]

I think the previous suggestions of providing stuff rather than money will help. A pack of nappies, some wipes, some formula (if appropriate), some vests etc etc.. Just let her (and ultimately him) know that you care, you will be there to help them but that you're not going to continue to be bank of mum.

I hope the child benefit and tax credits are going to her and not him..

Oh and my mum had DS overnight when he was six days old as I was finding it hard to cope. She's not 65 miles away but does that make me a bad mother??? He's almost two now and seems to be doing ok

ihatethecold, i'd play a 'long game' if i were you. don't risk getting upset. well, hard, i know. i mean, if you ask to see the child and are turned down.

try to leave the baby's mother with the impression that you are fair, not blind to your son's faults (but you don't have to go on about it!).

A note asking how she's doing, if there's anything you can do/buy for them. offer babysit when she feels comfortable leaving the baby.

my children's paternal grandma has lost touch with them altogether because she was such an almighty wagon and blamed me for leaving her son. I never wanted this to happen. I feel sorry for her even though she is blind to her son's faults, which you certainly do not sound!!!!

I would get into the habit of writing to them every 1-2 weeks. Just lighthearted notes about what you and your other dcs are up to and asking how they are. Send small gifts for the baby such as vests etc. Don't say anything negative about anyone. Visit unannounced like coldtits said and take something useful such as nappies and a cake or tin of biscuits. Don't stay too long and don't be overbearing or matyrish. Don't expect your DIL to 'wait' on you, don't call the baby 'my baby', don't insist he is woken so you can cuddle him and do say how well they are looking and what a good job she is doing. Send a letter saying something along the lines of 'I would love to come and see you, the 10th and 11th are good for me. Which is best for you? Call me and let me know' If they don't call then send another letter 'I'm going to pop round on the 10th at about 10 o'clock, see you all then'. Then go, if they are not in put a note through the door 'sorry to have missed you, see you another time' then start over. Give specific offers of help such as 'if you want to go shopping/out with friends/to the cinema I can babysit on X date at X time'

Send the Christmas present in the post or drop it off. Saying its waiting under your tree implys that you are expecting either a new young mother or a feckless fool to drive to your house when you know in your heart that its not going to happen.

It is going to take a long time and you need to come accross as non-judgemental, kind, sensible, reasonable, helpful for every minute of it.

very good advice pp.

do you have some experience?? at either end of the scenario?

much better said than me pp!

thanks guys lovely advice from all of you. its so hard when its your child screwing up.
have a good new yr