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Original poster

If your five year old walked out of a shop while you weren't looking?

53 replies

crossandalarmed · 21/12/2009 13:00

DS is usually very sensible, and generally a good boy. Yesterday, we were shopping, he got a bit bored, but he asked if he could wait on the step (by the door) while I went to pay. I said yes, walked to the till and when I turned, couldn't see him. Then I saw a woman looking out of the door, I called his name and she'd seen him walk out of the door and off down the road. I had to leave my baby daughter at the foot of the steps and chase him down the road, fortunately the woman stood by the pram until I got back.

He's never done anything like that before. I was absolutely furious, sent him to his room when we got home, and we didn't go to a little christmas party he was due to go to yesterday afternoon. I mentioned the reason why to one of my friends, and she laughed and said she was glad I wasn't her mum! Did I overrreact?

I think he's too old to wander off, he knew what he was doing was wrong, and he has to be punished quite severely for that: it is dangerous and means I can't take my eyes off him. He's at an age where I should (and have in the past) trusted him.

OP posts:

Cybilsnotgettingdressed · 21/12/2009 13:02

Yes to a bollocking, no to missing a Christmas party. But we all parent differently. I would stress how worried how was, not how furious I was I think

mumblechum · 21/12/2009 13:02

I think you got the punishment about right.

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 21/12/2009 13:02

No you didn't over react, I don't think. You must have been terrified and your reaction, to withhold a privilege was justified IMO.
Hopefully your ds has learned from this that what he did was unacceptable and mustn't happen again.

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Heqet · 21/12/2009 13:02

He's only 5. I think you are expecting more of him than a child of his age is able to guarantee.

You can't take your eyes off a five year old child. Sorry, but that's too young to be sure that they can manage their own safety.

FluffyPumpkins · 21/12/2009 13:03

think i would of done the same..
as you said you had to also risk leaving the baby too.

Original poster

crossandalarmed · 21/12/2009 13:06

Thanks. I didn't just yell at him (although I did read him the riot act in the shop, as in 'don't you ever do that again....'), I explained why he mustn't walk off, and how I'd trusted him to be a big boy and he'd done something dangerous. I was very shaken, it was very out of character. Perhaps I do expect too much of him. He is always very sensible, perhaps 5 is a little young to be 10-15 metres away.

OP posts:

donnie · 21/12/2009 13:08

I would have gone crazy as well; the 'what ifs' are too awful to contemplate.OK maybe missing the party was a bit harsh but he'll have got the message.

TulipsAndTinsel · 21/12/2009 13:10

at that age they get distracted so easily and forget what they're supposed to be doing, i think you were misguided to let a child of that age wait somewhere where he could potentially wander off tbh.

i'd have given a paniced telling off and then counted my lucky stars all was ok in the end and left it at that.

4CALLINGBIRDSandnotout · 21/12/2009 13:12

I think your punishment was dead on, my dd2 is 4 and I'd expect her to stay where she was without walking off and so would have used a similar punishment my self.

HuwEdwards · 21/12/2009 13:14

Agree with Cybil

Original poster

crossandalarmed · 21/12/2009 13:15

Tulips, I think it was partly that. Looking back on it, I think he was headed out of one shop door to come in the other (near the till I'd been paying on). And he is very excited about Christmas, so more distracted/excitable. But I've learned my lesson!

I did explain we all had to stay together to look after each other (I try not to go overboard with 'stranger danger' at this age). And missing the party was meant to show that I thought it was more than usual naughtiness.

I was very shaken, and taken aback. I was also surprised my friend seemed to think it wasn't such a big deal.

OP posts:

Paolosgirl · 21/12/2009 13:20

I'd have been furious too, and although probably wouldn't have missed the Chrismas party, would have put some other consequence in place.

You definitely did not overreact. I also wonder why that woman did not do anything when she saw a 5 year old walking off down the road...or did I misunderstand that bit?

Original poster

crossandalarmed · 21/12/2009 13:27

It was the woman looking out the door that alerted me to the fact he'd gone - she was looking in the shop, then after him, to see where he was going. I would never have dreamed he'd walk off, otherwise.

Thanks for the responses. DH is away until tomorrow so I haven't talked it through with anyone. Is sometimes difficult to judge when you've overreacted when you have that awful panic at something.

OP posts:

titchy · 21/12/2009 13:28

Sorry but I think relying on a 5 year old is madness! WAY too young to be trusted! He is obviously not too old to wander off, and you shouldn't have agreed to his request to wait on the shop step.

And I'm a very lazy liberal parent.

Original poster

crossandalarmed · 21/12/2009 13:47

He is usually very responsible. When I think about it, allowing him (just) out of sight is something I've only recently done, although I've been able to rely on him for a long time to stand nicely while I pay etc. But clearly he's still too young, I need to keep him closer.

I'm starting to understand what people say about 5/6 year olds being quite sensible most of the time, but still quite unpredictable.

Anyway. A lesson learned. Just pleased that no harm done (other than a few more grey hairs for me...).

OP posts:

MollieO · 21/12/2009 13:56

I wouldn't expect a 5 yr old to stay put fo long unsupervised.

I would have told him off, explained why I was cross and said that if he cannot do what he is asked to do then he won't be able to go shopping with me until he did. Did he explain what he was doing - why he left the shop?

Can't see the point in not going to the party as, at least imo, the two are unrelated. I think at that age the punishment has to be immediate.

MmeherewegoawassailLindt · 21/12/2009 14:02

My 5yo DS is normally responsible but I would not put it past him to do something like that. Especially this close to Christmas when they are so excited and easily distracted.

I would have given him a telling off but not have made him miss the party, as the punishment has no relation to the misbehaviour, iyswim.

nulgirl · 21/12/2009 14:04

Depends on the child whether they could be expected to stay put but surely most should be able to by the age of 5. My 3yo dd would stay put and I would trust her to do that. By the age of 5 children are in school and should be able to follow a simple instruction.

SantaIsMyLoveSlave · 21/12/2009 14:06

I would have done the bollocking but not skipped the party -- as others said, there's no logical relationship there.

StealthPolarBear · 21/12/2009 14:08

"if he cannot do what he is asked to do then he won't be able to go shopping with me until he did"
would that be much of a threat though? just more hassle

choosyfloosy · 21/12/2009 14:08

I think you handled it exactly, exactly right (always remembering that 5-year-olds vary). Yes 5-year-olds will sometimes wander off, but tbh at that age they will come back. I'm sure you have general rules such as 'never cross the road without me' so if that one's well instilled, he should just wander to the next pavement and stop there. You have to try these things, otherwise at what point do you take your eye off them?

I also think missing the party was the perfect punishment. You didn't have to shout at him (much!) you didn't have to go into some enormous blackmail thing about 'you upset mummy, mummy was really worried', he behaved like a little kid so he didn't get to go to a party for kids his age, absolutely no damage to him or the family but he missed out. What could be more perfect???

I must say that I have a general rule that ds does not walk out of a shop without me. If he is bored, I will send him off to get something for me, or will get him to pay, but obviously in a lot of shops this isn't possible. If ds wants to wait I ask him to find somewhere inside the shop tbh. But that's the only thing I would do differently from you, and I don't think you were wrong.

TBH 5-year-olds just a few years ago were taking themselves on public transport around cities, walking miles to school etc (though usually with friends or siblings etc). I am truly surprised at some of the responses on here.

DisElfchanted3 · 21/12/2009 14:13

i have a very responsible 5 year old too, but i wouldn't let him sit on the front step alone ike you did.

i need to be able to see all 3 of mine at all times to keep my panic attacks to a minimum

missing his party might have been a tiny bit harsh, not sure i would have gone through with that, but whats done is done and at least he will understand the very bad consequences of walking off without you.

QandA · 21/12/2009 14:13

I agree with what you did.

At 5 they are at school, if they felt they could walk off, in many schools they would be able to. Better for him to realise it is not acceptable with you, when you will notice quickly than at school, when it may take some time for someone to notice.

At 5 he knows not to, he may find it difficult to stick to it, but he does know.

JodieO · 21/12/2009 14:15

I think you're wrong to punish him, you should be watching him, he's 5 not 15! It is your responsibility to ensure he is safe, I'm amazed you let him stay by the step alone!! I think it's madness like a poster above. Really, 5 is not old enough to be left alone.

I can't stand that attitude of well they did it years ago either. Kids swept chimneys years ago but we wouldn't shove them up one now. It's ludicrous comparing years ago to now as it is a different time.

juicy12 · 21/12/2009 14:15

I'd have done exactly the same. definitely missed the party, and I'm pretty sure my 5yo DS would have made the connection btw the two.

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