If your five year old walked out of a shop while you weren't looking?

[crossandalarmed]

DS is usually very sensible, and generally a good boy. Yesterday, we were shopping, he got a bit bored, but he asked if he could wait on the step (by the door) while I went to pay. I said yes, walked to the till and when I turned, couldn't see him. Then I saw a woman looking out of the door, I called his name and she'd seen him walk out of the door and off down the road. I had to leave my baby daughter at the foot of the steps and chase him down the road, fortunately the woman stood by the pram until I got back.

He's never done anything like that before. I was absolutely furious, sent him to his room when we got home, and we didn't go to a little christmas party he was due to go to yesterday afternoon. I mentioned the reason why to one of my friends, and she laughed and said she was glad I wasn't her mum! Did I overrreact?

I think he's too old to wander off, he knew what he was doing was wrong, and he has to be punished quite severely for that: it is dangerous and means I can't take my eyes off him. He's at an age where I should (and have in the past) trusted him.

Missing thje party was mean spirited, un necessary and quite frankly a horrible thing to do.

Most of us have been in that situation where our child has wandered and it is frightening but look at what you have done. You left a 5 year by the door while you went and shopped. Barking! Then you go and leave your baby with a stranger then the lad gets bollocked (fair enough but come on!!) Then he gets a double whammy of no party. What if you got distracted in the shop - Easy done.

You are to blame and you are lucky no harm came of it.

choosy, that is exactly my approach. The step was inside the shop. He knows that he mustn't leave a shop without me. And he does stop at roads etc, even when friends he's with have carried on, so I do have quite a lot of confidence in him, and his ability to follow instructions.

He'll happily pay for things in shops, and chat to the assistants (while I hover in the background). So I do try to treat him in a way that confers some responsibility on him. I will have to step back from that a bit now: no leaving him out of sight, even for a moment.

I chose the party as he knew he was going, so he'd understand that now he wasn't: I told him as soon as we were out of the shop that because he'd walked off, we weren't going to go. I didn't really know what other consequence or sanction would be suitable: telling off can go in one ear and out the other, and I thought this was serious enough to warrant a more extreme punishment. He didn't complain about not going, so I feel as though he understood.

I hope you gave yourself a similar punishment then as you were more wrong than he was...

at five I would have expected my ds to stay where he was told. In fact the rule in my house has always been that he never goes where he cannot see me as opposed to the other way around as I cnnot see, so he has essentially been "out of my sight" from the very first time I allowed him to let go of my hand. But actually this rule was recently confirmed by a child safety expert I hear talking on the radio. she said that telling children to stay where you can see them gives them a false sense of security as they cannot possibly know whether you can see them or not. but if you make the rule that they stay where they can see you, then they will also know that you can see them, iyswim.

And if at five my ds had wandered off I would have come down hard. In fact at two/three my ds knew that if he ran off then he would have been back on reins and holding my hand.

Trust me, letting go of my child in a public place for the first time knowing that if he ran I could not see where he went wasn't something that I did easily. but the only way a child will ever earn your trust is if you let them go.

The step was inside the shop, and he would usually have sat on it, or stood on it to watch what was going on. But I left him on the step, walked 5/10metres, turned and he was gone.

Even if I were to blame (and I have thought about my own responsibility) he still knew that leaving the shop was wrong, and I thought that sort of dangerous behaviour is on a different level to other naughtiness. He did understand the link between what he did and missing the party.

But I don't think leaving a 5 year old 10m away while I pay, and can check on him while I'm doing so, although not constantly in view, in a fairly empty shop, is that outrageous a thing to do.

JodieO, fair cop, there's plenty in the past that we would be happy to leave there. I guess what I feel is that 5-year-olds are not constitutionally incapable of staying where they are told to stay for a bit just because they are 5 IYSWIM - obviously some 5-year-olds will do it most of the time, some will do it a small proportion of the time. I wouldn't let ds cross roads by himself at 5 and don't know anyone who would, so I take into account modern traffic conditions, but if you have a sensible 5-year-old IMo you can start trying out taking your eye off them occasionally.

I suppose if I'm honest I also think that people with sensible 5-year-olds SHOULD try taking their eye off them occasionally. but that's easy to think when nothing has [yet] happened to ds. I don't actually think it's my job to keep him safe, I think it's my job to teach him the skills he needs to start getting out into the world.

I have been told though that I am very influenced by only having one ds, so I have never faced the situation of being unable to move holding a small baby, while the older one gallops off into the distance. This seems very likely.

Even if you were to blame??? What on earth do you mean 'even if you were to blame' of course you are! You are the mother and the adult here, the person responsible for him. Of course you expect them to do certain things. It doesn't follow that they will. He wasn't being naughty by the sound of it just distracted. AND You ran off and left your baby with a stranger. I think you are a naive.

Oh, please. She did not 'run off and left the baby with a stranger'

She went to fetch her DS back and the woman who had noticed that he was wandering off stood by the pram.

There is not a baby snatcher on every corner you know.

That's very true MMe...but the situation is of the women's own making.
To put perspective on it I remember the time when me and my sister in law where in C & A (It was a while back!!) and we trusted her lad who was about 5 at the time while to sit on some chairs while we tried something on or looked at something. We were gone literally minutes and my nephew disappeared. We were frantic! We eventually found him outside the shop (just) inside one of those toy coin operated machines that kids like. We ran past it twice in panic.

I remember the feeling of sick when we couldn't find him. If anyone was to blame it would have been SIL. No matter how good a parent she is she was the one responsible for his welfare.

I still thing that in case the OP punishment over the party is OTT though

Rubbish. He is 5 year's old - plenty old enough to sit on a step for a few minutes without moving. And as for the histrionics about leaving a woman standing beside the pram - enough now.

I don't think for 1 min the woman was a child snatcher just that the OP put herself in the position of inconviencing other people because she couldn't be bothered to take him into a shop. The clue to how tha lad is likely to react is in what the OP said. The boy was bored. What do kids do when they are bored- their mind wanders and they get distracted. Sure tell him off -like I said I've been in that position when out with SIL but to deny him a Christmas party is just bloody stupid and like her friend said an over reaction as the lad had already been sent to his room as a punishment. How many punishments does he need?

There will be other parties, but your son won't forget the lesson re not wandering off. The sooner children realise that they aso play an active part in their own safety, the better. Ignore all the drama queens giving you a hard time.

Thanks. I think the people agreeing with me a pretty much summing up where I was coming from!

He wasn't left outside while I was shopping, we were just finishing up, passing the (internal) steps, he wanted to sit there while I went to pick up the last thing we planned to buy. I walked the 5metre walkway to the counter, I turned and he'd gone. So he wasn't sitting there and got bored. Although even then, I'd have been very cross about him leaving the shop.

And the party ban wasn't temper or vindictiveness, I think what he did was very serious and, as KwikKat says, I wanted him to remember the punishment. To not be able to take my eyes off him, or even begin to move towards him being independent, will make my (and his) life a misery.

Really think the OP was the Drama Queen here.She was quite justifiably angry and who wouldn't be when there's a bit of a panic and you don't know where your child has wandered to.BUT to tell him off and send him to room is fine but to have an add on of no party is just mean.

I'd have done exactly the same, sheer terror on discovery that child has run off, relief on finding child followed by most furious telling off of their life.

The main thing here Crossandalarmed is that you have done what you think is for the best. Others may have done the same others not but that's not the point. You did what you thought was good at the time. Sometimes in hindsight you may have done it differently, other times you think it was spot on. The joys of discovering boundaries for your children!! It ain't easy that's for sure!!!

What would justify withholding a privilege then? Wandering off endangers his life and well-being. I wouldn't (and have not) stopped him going anywhere or doing anything for any other misbehaviour.

But there's some behaviour - running in the road, wandering off - that endangers him. So I decided that a more severe punishment, that he'd be likely to remember, would be better. Otherwise, how would I show how displeased I was? Shouting for louder and longer? Keep him in his room all afternoon? I just don't think that's productive.

Most punishments for young children are gestures - time out and so on - but I wanted to make sure he took this seriously. And he did - he didn't complain about not going.

My friend reacted to it as if it were a joke. But if her child walked out of a shop when she'd taken her eyes off him for less than a minute, would she really treat it so lightly?

Yes, I feel bad about all of it (hence the name change). I don't think all the criticism of me is justified. But I take on board a lot of the points made - esp the one about teaching him to ensure he always knows where I am. I like the idea of teaching them to take responsibility for their own safety rather than always relying on someone to think for them.

cross-posted! You are right, upahill, they never lose the capacity to surprise, and not always in a good way.

I might stop posting now, I sound quite cross in my posts, when I'm actually really pleased to be able to get other views ! Thanks all.

OK she's a bit younger, but I wouldn't dream of letting my other wise sensible 4 year old to take on board that kind of responsibility and then punishing her for it in the way you did. I think you need to take the responsiblity yourself.

No, missing the party wasn't overly mean. It was a punishment - which by it's very nature isn't supposed to be exactly fun. He'll remember it, I'm sure, and will no doubt think twice in future. You did what you think was right - you dealt with it and left him in no doubt that what he did was wrong.

The thing about AIBU is that there will always be people who post for effect - disagreeing is one thing, but they tend to get a bit carried away.

I think you've had enough criticism on this thread. I wasn't there, I don't know your ds etc. etc. etc. but I do sympathise, as it's a very tricky thing to negotiate giving them a tiny bit of independence v. keeping them safe.

Shopping's an interesting one, though, don't think I'd let ds (6) wander far out of my sight as there are too many distractions/crowds and he is usually a bit bored of traipsing round with me so probably easily tempted to do something I wouldn't like.

I let ds play out in our road, which is quite safe - when kids from school come to play, I always ask their mothers if it's OK if their kids go out too (most of them know the other children in our street too as they all go to the same school). About 30 or 40% say 'no' as it's just not something they do or are comfortable with. That's fine, their child, their experience, their judgement.

I agree with you Edam and I have been a bit harsh.
It's impossible to see the scene as it happens. There's a huge difference between being sat on the steps of a local newsagent and being sat outside say a shop at the Trafford Centre where there are all sorts of attractions to get kids attention and distract them. it's all about context.
I have also made the mistake of thinking it is AIBU thread when it is just a talk so apolgises Crossandalarmed. I have been a bit robust for this thread.

Wasn't the Trafford Ctre or anything like! Small local shop. But I deliberately avoided AIBU as I did genuinely want views on how others would have reacted, and how seriously they'd have taken it.

As Edam says, there's a difficult balance between watching their every move and giving them the right amount of independence. I was more confident of DS today than I should have been. But I do feel he knew he was doing wrong, hence the party punishment.

I thought it was an AIBU too - my apologies for not paying attention.

That was pretty good going though - you managed to provoke fairly strong views regardless!!