Local Mum seems overly keen to push our children together/ share lifts etc....I'm not keen

[whippet]

Background: Have known this family for 3-4 years. Kids at school with mine (DS + her DS in same class).
My DS is not particularly friendly with her kids, but gets along with them OK if need be.

They have recently moved closer to us, and we are now more obviously on their 'school run' route.

The mum has recently started barraging me/DS with invitations for tea, parties, a sleepover etc. I feel slightly uncomfortable, as I feel like it's part of a 'plan' of hers to 'groom' us for future childcare/ lifts.
So far I've found excuses for us/DS not to go, or reasons (often genuine) why we can't pick up her kids etc. I had kind of hoped she'd get the message?
BUT she just keeps banging on, offering alternative dates, other lift shares etc etc.

I feel like I don't want to accept ANY of her invitations for fear of 'opening the floodgates' IYSWIM?

Thing is, she works full time, and she is always farming her children off to various people's houses after school... I work from home, and we have a good routine whereby my kids do their homework, and then play pretty quietishly while I finish things off for the day. Her kids are loud, boisterous and obviously don't understand out family situation (e.g. on one rare occasion when I helped her out in an 'emergency' her 8 year old burst into my office (depite having been told by my two not to) waving a lightsabre and shrieking, while I was on the phone to a client )

DS isn't bothered either way. I just don't know whether I should just keep saying 'no thanks' or be more blunt and say 'sorry, but I don't want to become part of your childcare plan'

WWYD?

Cristina I don't understand why you are so keen to make this a "liking" the woman issue.
So what?
I think the woman sounds a bit overbearing personally - especially the bit about putting her children in the same afterschool activities etc.
Frankly my work-life balance is pretty precarious at the best of times and I also wouldn't take too kindly to someone trying to change the dynamic for me.

So what? That's exactly what I'm saying. She doesn't like her. Fair enough. Move on. Stop making excuses and finding faults.

Sigh

whippet:"For example she asked me what clubs my kids were doing after school, so she could match her childrens' ones to share lifts.... there had been no discussion between us about even whether this was something I wanted to do ."

I would have felt uncomfortably put on the spot. She could have gone about it a bit differently, I agree. I think you are right that the socialising is a prelude to child-care arrangements and if you don't want that, I'm afraid you may have to be clear about it. Hate that kind of thing myself so I can imagine you are not relishing it. What did you say/do about the afterschool clubs then when she aske`?

I think you need to do as others have said,explain you can't reciprocate. I do think that if you work from home some people have a tendancy to think you are fair game for childcare. Someone I know once asked me to look after her child as she was off school sick. I was working us trying to look after a 2 year old at the time and no way was I in a position to look after someone's sick child. A few of those instances and it does unfortunately make you a bit suspicious is ulterior motives so I do understand where you are coming from.

Cristina OK - I don't hate her, but no, I don't particularly like her either.

No one HAS to be friends with anyone do they?

She has 'moved into' our area/ lives a bit more than before. That's not my fault or decision.
Perhaps I feel she is being pushy, manipulative and causing me stress (and I already have enough of that with work/ home/ elderly relatives at the moment).

I would rather not have to be slightly rude and blunt with her, but it seems perhaps I may need to be.
I guess part of the problem is that you need to meet this woman to understand where I'm coming from - she's full-on and in-your-face.
Perhaps she doesn't quite 'get' some social norms?
She is making her 'problem' (manic lifestyle, not proper childcare cover) MY problem and I don't like that.

ZZZ - re the clubs I just said 'oh, I'm afraid we already have some lift shares in place' and she asked me who with!

I also said that I preferred not to commit to anything, as I often take the kids from school to have tea with their grandad (my dad) who lives locally (which is true).
She then started asking me which days I did that (WTF!) and I said 'oh, it varies...'

so you see, it really does feel like I'm being stalked

I know someone like this.

Her daughter is 7. She and her husband have worked full-time throughout and she has never paid for childcare other than an occasional after-school club.

Her mother comes to stay in school holidays to look after the girl, and she has consciously created a network of people who can be called upon to look after her daughter. She has said as much - she set about establishing a network for the purpose of childcare. So we get invitations for my DD to come and play - because mother wants to work at home that day and needs her daughter to be occupied. Or my DD is invited to come over at a weekend - so that I am in 'debt' for a day's return visit when it suits.

I feel very used, tbh. If this woman just couldn't afford childcare, I would be very sympathetic, it could be a good way of creating a necessary support system. But what I see is her family going on long expensive overseas holidays, big extensions to their (big) house - while my DH and I were working hard to pay for childcare. I feel I have been taken for a mug.

I don't dislike this woman - she has many good qualities. But I think her approach is absolutely cynical and calculating, and I resent it.

eek.

It will be hard to be evasive with her, she really nails you down

Whippet - I think you must be a lovely polite person in RL. I think that if she had spoken to me in such a nosey, blunt way she would have been told it was none of her business etc. She sounds like a nightmare but hopefully if you keep saying 'no' she will get the message eventually.

Gosh, I now dare not inviting any of dc friends if that is what they may be thinking. Yes, childcare is an issue, you will see me racing on the M1 to get back in time because the nursery close at 6pm, and I can't possibly ask a "friend" to help out.

well some people presumably will not mind helping you out occasionally or even regularly - and others will feel used and may or may not tell you so. I think that is just the way it is.

The woman that whippet has been describing here does sound quite overbearing if you ask me. I wouldn't be happy about it if someone were to quiz me about my childcare arrangements and weekly schedule in order to see where I could help her out. I can imagine that wouldn't feel pleasant.

She'll find someone else eventually. I'd say that you work from home so after school friends are not an option at the moment & that you have your organization sorted for clubs & school run and because of your work there's no lee way to change things. Keep saying this & she'll move onto someone else.

I've had people ask for my help when it was difficult for me & just making their not so busy lives easier and now my first response is no.

whippet, don't feel bad about not wanting to engage in exchange of playdates, tea parties or whatever. Clearly you are not keen and you don't really have to explain to her or anyone. There is no reason to be rude either, I would just keep saying no thanks all the time and cross your fingers and she might eventually give up.
If she tries again with another "oh your DS would really like to share a lift with my child" I would just politely say smth like "oh thank you but I really quite like him to have a bit of a quiet time after school". She needs to know that you have your plans and schedules and you will do what you feel is best for your kids.
Just keep politely saying no.
It seems that this is not a person who takes hints but you shouldn't enter into arrangements you clearly don't want and then stress about them just because she is pushy or in your face.
Good luck!

I haven't had much trouble with this; if I have ever been asked to help someone out, it's been a one-off thing and beyond that just the usual reciprocal play arrangements. Not much time for that palaver these days though - not that I'm missing it ...

Anyhow I do remember once when dd was in nursery being at the park in the afternoon and another mum from a different group in the nursery was there with her dd. I knew the dd's first name but that was it. The mum asked how long I'd be staying and I said half an hour. She said she'd leave dd there with me then because she had to race off and do something. Three hours later, it was getting dark and I was still waiting for her. In the end I took dd back home with me because I didn't know her surname, address or anything but dd was cold and hungry and it was nearly her bedtime.

I rung round and eventually got the home number of the mother. Called and left a message to say dd was at my place, left the address and asked her to come and pick her up. Two hours later (so after about five hours), she called to say, could dd just stay the night and maybe I could give her a change of clothes and take her to nursery tomorrow because she was feeling a bit tired and didn't fancy coming over to pick her up.

We didn't even know this little girl. I think mums that totally take the p* are rare, but they are out there and it's ok to block them if you see them coming.

I always remember someone on MN once saying that childcare is a delicate balance of favours and repaying of favours, and not taking advantage, and that it's tricky.

I think this is true. So thirdname I don't think you need to get the hump and infer that people are saying you are never allowed to ask for help. But what appears to be going on here is a woman is unwilling to address the fact that her childcare arrangements are inadequate and is trying to enlist the help of other mothers on a regular basis, not as the occasional emergency. We all have those.

ZZZenagain! What did you do? Poor little girl, being left with (relative) strangers like that.

what could I do? They were both tired so I put them to bed and took them both to nursery the next morning. I could have driven them to the mum's place if she'd given me the address but I didn't have it.

ZZZenAgain- we had a very similar thing happen this weekend and I was posting on mn in the early hours, all worried.
The mother had been on holiday so we have been looking after her daughter but the mum never turned up to collect her.
We phoned, texted, emailed on Sunday and she was reluctant to come. She wanted me to wash all her dd's school things for the week then drive her (a long distance) to school.

I spoke to her yesterday and she was annoyed at me for spoiling her weekend.

The poor girl is also farmed out during holidays etc and is becoming very naughty. I feel so sad for her.

Despite everything, she wants me to be 'involved' over the holidays. We work from home and never get away and feel lke sitting ducks. Very tired ones at that.
OP, please don't let yourself become duty bound to this woman as she sounds quite manipulative.

you looked after her dd whilst she was away on holiday and she was annoyed at you for ruining her weekend? Oh my

Now you see thirdname, you wouldn't have done that, would you? It isn't mums who help each other out on a reciprocal or even one-way friendly basis but those who really go overboard with farming dc onto others who get people's backs up.

I feel so for these unwanted children - they are lucky to end up with caring people like GentleOtter and ZZZenAgain, who do look after them even if they have been foisted upon them.

I cannot imagine dumping my DDs onto anyone else like that.

thirdname, the woman I was posting about has told me and the others in her 'network' that it's what she planned to do, and she is quite open about it. It amounts to saying that's the main reason why she got to know me.

Most of us arrange our lives so we don't have to rely on other parents, but when things don't go to plan, then of course we help each other out. And there's nothing wrong with fixing up a playdate because you need to do something without DC once in a while. Having said that, most playdates that DD and DS go on are just because their friends want to see them, and I don't go suspecting any other motives behind them.

katisha above got it exactly right, "a delicate balance of favours and repaying of favours, and not taking advantage".

Any mileage in the idea that this is a woman who has just moved into a new(ish) area and is trying to re-establish a social network?

I've read dozens of threads of the 'I've moved and don't know anyone and my kids have no local friends' variety, which all inevitably end up suggesting the poster behave like this woman, ie invite other kids round, be persistent, it takes time to break in to existing social groups.

She may be taking the mick, but equally she may see OP as one of those people she'd like to be friendly with but who are too engaged in their own social setup to make room for a newbie.

Just a thought.

well maybe. We do say that, invite people round, ask what activities their dc do etc. Have yet to see the recommendation to quiz people as to exactly what days the dc visit their grandad though. And she was already at the same school, she has just moved closer to OP and said she is looking to share school runs etc

She does come across like a woman with a (childcare) mission to me rather than someone new looking to make friends for her dc/herself.

Gerbil - she has only moved from one side of the town to the other - less than 2 miles, so her existing social network is still valid except that we are the ones within walking distance .

I do think ZZZ is right - she is on a mission to make her life easier - it's not about new friends etc.

I didn't mean for this to be a type of AIBU by stealth, but there are just various other reasons why I aslo don't want to get drawn into arrangements with her
e.g.

• her attitude to car safety is different to mine. She puts kids in the front and thinks it's OK for kids to share seat belts if there are 4 kids in the back
• her attitude to food is also different. She thinks pasta with tomato ketchup and cocktail sausages is an OK meal for the kids
• her children obviously have values with respect to property etc. They seem to think it's OK to pull my DS's school uniform jumper until it rips at the seams in the course of 'playing'. That sort of thing.

Just not really our sort of people.