they a approach a bar they see a sign no Indians allowed in the bar.
Tonto says: "That's ok I think I'll jog around the saloon few times
because I am trying to keep fit."
The Lone Ranger goes in and orders a drink he is sipping his drink when
another cowboy comes in and says: "Excuse me mate have you left your
injun running."
___
2
TWO women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around
in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his hands
together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and
put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
___
3
A VERY drunk man was sitting in a train compartment when a woman stepped
in.
They sat silent for a while when the woman accusingly said: "You are
drunk, you are very drunk".
"Yesshh, I am. And you are ugly, very ugly. But tomorrow I will
be sober".
___
4
A CARDIOLOGIST died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...I'm a gynaecologist."
___
5
Q. HEAR about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.
___
6
A PSYCHIATRIST was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he
said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter
Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy
by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
___
7
AS my wife and I are approaching our 63rd and 65th birthdays,
respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examination the same day
so we could travel together.
After my examination, the doctor said: "You appear to be in good health.
Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," I said. "After I have sex with my wife the first time,
I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the
second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research
and get back to you."
After examining my wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be
fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss
with me?"
She replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than
asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is
usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold
and chilly after the second time: "Do you know why?"
"Oh that old git!" she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in July and the second time is usually in December."
___
8
TWO old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he
did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said: "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps
your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said: "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said: "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said: "I want 5 loaves."
She said: "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get
to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"
He replied: "Holy crap...! Everybody in the world knows about this
Italian bread thing but ME....?!"
___
9
Q. WHY did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
___
10
A TEACHER is sat teaching a class of 6 year olds. she's reading them the
story of the three little pigs. when she comes to the part where the
little pig asks the farmer for some straw.
"Please can I have some straw to build a house with" the pig said, then
suddenly the teacher stops looks round the class and says: "So what do
you think the farmer said children?"
All of a sudden little Tommy puts his hand in the air and says: "Bloody
hell it's a talking pig."