My son's friendship group constant drama is EXHAUSTING!! This is loooooong. Grab a coffee.

[IncompleteSenten]

My eldest son is in his mid 20s now and has had a friendship group for a couple of years after joining social clubs. Before this, he never really had any friends because he's autistic and NT kids were, well, that's a whole other story! I was so happy he finally made friends. But Oh. My. God. The drama is never ending.

Someone is always falling out with someone and wanting everyone to take sides, then the two that fell out make up again. This person won't hang out with that person. Then they will hang out with that person but not some other person, then everyone is friends again.

Last night my son got it in the neck from Albert because he had refused to take sides during the last argument between Betty and Cynthia, apparently not taking sides is taking Betty's side against Cynthia's. Or something. Five minutes after laying into my son he's talking to him normally again but goes on to have such a go at Denise that she left in tears.

God this is long.

I've told my son to refuse to get involved in other people's petty squabbles and that taking sides is a very bad idea.

I have never in my life come across such endless drama. I am exhausted, and I'm not even bloody there! I'm just desperately trying to help my poor son navigate the insanity.

I've had to give my son several instructions on how to react in different situations.

I've said to my son that he should not get caught up in other people's drama but should stick up for people if genuinely needed. eg one of the lads sexually harassed one of the young women and my son took action on that and told him that was unacceptable and now he won't socialise with him 1:1 any more and keeps his distance in groups.

bloody hell this is never ending. And I'm not even close to done yet.

I've told him never talk about anyone behind their back and if anyone tries to involve him, he should say I'm sorry, I don't talk about people behind their backs.

I've told him never get involved in messaging people saying unkind things about others.

I've told him that if someone tries to involve him and tries to manipulate him into taking sides, he should say that he is not getting involved and he won't be bullied into it.

I've given him a few sentences he can choose from as needed and send to people.

I am knackered and these people aren't even my friends!

Is this what friendship groups are like? I used to wish I had had a friendship group when I was a young woman but now I feel like I dodged a fucking bullet!

He’s 20. Why are you so involved?

This is not a healthy friendship group.

Don’t let the fact that you are pleased he finally has friends blind you to the fact that none of this is normal or healthy.

Encourage him to make new friends and winden his social circle so he can move away from this group.

Meanwhile continue to support healthy boundaries.

I've told my son to refuse to get involved in other people's petty squabbles and that taking sides is a very bad idea.

Maybe take your own advice. He's 20!

He's mid 20s? And you are this invested... its not just the friend group thats disfunctional.

Possibly because the young man is autistic and has differences in social communication that might make this kind of drama particularly difficult to navigate. And because he hasn't been part of groups when he was younger so has had limited experience of navigating this up to now.

Seeing as you’re going out of your way to be nasty, it’s dysfunctional not dis

Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job of guiding him through this. Keep going. All these skills will help him to be nice but also to stick up for himself and will so him good in the long run.

Like I said in my post, he is autistic. He didn't start talking till he was 7, was in nappies till he was 6 and was hugely delayed in many ways. We were told he would never talk and we were in denial and he needed to go into a specialist environment.

He has gone on to prove the specialists wrong and do many amazing things but his main challenges are navigating social situations. It's the one area he cannot manage without significant input, but he craves friendships so much.

Gosh OP, sorry but you're coming across a bit like a teenager in breathless delight at all the drama!

I know he's autistic but that doesn't mean you have to devour every morsel of it all.

No wonder you're 'exhausted'!

Are the others in the group ND too? It sounds like your son is now getting the chance to learn some lessons in friendships that he unfortunately didn’t get at the usual developmental age and stage. It is exhausting. Like pp says, it’s a good idea not to let the joy that he has friends cloud your advice.

That said, if my 8yr old DD had options in her class of ‘better’ friends, I would advise her to try them, but she doesn’t, so instead I help her learn to navigate the competitiveness and immaturity of the others as best she can. I think the main reason it’s exhausting though, is how attached we are to how it will go. Try to let go - it will turn out how it turns out. And if he gets hurt and upset - he will learn things that will help in future relationships. It’s how everyone grows so try to worry less.

Delight 😂Not the word I would use when he's coming to me in tears over these people's bullshit. I think they are ridiculous, he is distressed. It matters. And he needs my input and support.

Is it a group of autistic people of similar ages?
The social development is much slower for autistic people, hence you having to advise your son on navigating it. You're seeing what's more typical of teens because that's where some of them will still be in terms of development.
Just keep advising but remember this is a learning curve for your DC and his friends so try not to take on the emotions from it or let it take up space outside of your chats with him.

Yes, they are all autistic. I don't think the behaviours are because they are autistic, but it is the reason he is adamant he wants to stay friends with them.

Deficit in social communication is the main factor in autism. It's highly likely that it is because of their autism. I'm not saying it's an excuse but they are struggling to navigate social relationships, just like your son is, but they're struggle presents in a different way.

You are right of course. I really should be kinder and less exasperated. I am failing in this area.

It is just hard when I see how much it is affecting and upsetting him while at the same time knowing how important they are to him. I admit I am perhaps not giving their autism as much importance as his.

Thank you, it is good to be pulled up on that in the kind way you did, I appreciate it.

It's also quite possible that the others don't each have parents discussing the situations with them and guiding them through. Coaching autistic children through social situations can really help. Sometimes the parents are ND themselves, so find it harder to provide that coaching. Some children are also harder to coach.

This is awful for him
I think he needs to be more selective with friends and look at another hobby group.

It sounds like a few other posters have suggested, the groups social development is somewhat delayed. Which you yourself recognise - it is exhausting but you sound like you're guiding him well. They'll learn the social rules and come through the other side x

Navigating friendships is pretty hard for many people (just look at the posts on MN!), but especially so for neurodivergent people. I have had the same with my young adult DD and it can be exhausting and also frustrating! We did lots of discussion of how she felt about behaviour of friends and why, and this helped unpick the issues away from the drama. I tried to teach the skills that DD could use independently.

Your son is 20, why are you even getting involved. It all sounds absolutely pathetic tbh. Grow a pair and leave the whatsapp group, would be my advice.

I don’t think this is at all unusual. I am NT and my friend group in my 20s always had a lot of drama. People bickering. People taking offence to whatever. Sex, too much alcohol, break ups, cheating. Lots of drama.

The thing is, I didn’t tell my mum (unless it was a really entertaining story!) and she didn’t get involved. Let him get on with it. Nothing to see here really.

I think I’d try to encourage him to make other friends, then at least the drama won’t be as all encompassing. At the moment his options are to put up with it or have no friends at all. I know its easier said than done but does he have other hobby groups? Or are there any he could join? Is he in education? A lot of universities have groups and socials for people with ND for example, I think a lot of colleges do too. Round here there are loads of community action things like gardens and farms and cafes that work with young people out of work and education, particularly those with SEN, they might be a nice place to meet new people who are focused on something besides drama, and looking for a positive outlet.

It's so tricky trying to navigate asd teens/young adults through friendship stuff. Add in most of their friends are probably ND too and many might not be as emotionally mature as others their age, it's hard work.

Ugh, why are you so excited, op?

Yes, it is tricky navigating it all, that is true, as is the developmental delay being the common factor here, making it more like younger people first learning to navigate socialising. I must make sure I don't disregard that element. I'll also see if there are other groups he hasn't yet been to, although i expect they will all be much of a muchness. I will carry on trying to help him navigate through this as best I can. Ultimately it benefits him to be able to cope socially and hopefully I can get him to the point where I can step back and he can handle it.

Kind of reminds me when we did his public transport training. I'm surprised my husband didn't get arrested. He spent a good year lurking behind bushes watching our son get on and off buses and then trains but it was well worth it as he went from being completely unable to cope, running off, getting off at the wrong places etc to being able to plan and book his own journey and head out on his own!