How long after your partner said he wasn’t ready for a baby yet was he then ready?

[mumaabearxo]

Posting for a friend :)

How long after your partner said he wasn’t ready for a baby yet was he ready?

But what are the reasons and the reasons for the timescale - there could be something legitimate about his thinking but I, like most other replies here, suspect it will just drag out. The thing is - having children will change your life, your relationship, your work life balance, your free time, your finances, etc - IMHO there is rarely a good or perfect time to have them - what really matters is that you both really want them and are prepared to put them at the center of your life and to be prepared, probably for the first time in your life, not to think about yourself first and foremost. We'd bought a house and had been living together for 5 years when we decided to get married and start trying for a family - it was 18 months later today DD1 arrived but both of us had been chear for years before we bought a house together, that we wanted kids and there was never any discussion about when would be a good time to start maybe because we were both well embedded in careers not just jobs.

Look I'm not some rabid man-defender but this is insane, surely? We know nothing about this couple's circumstances, their age, their finances. He could want to wait until they are married, until they own a property, until they move closer to family, until a difficult family situation is resolved, until one or both of them have jobs with more favourable maternity/paternity leave, until some professional qualification is gained, until they have a certain amount in savings, until they can afford for one person to take an extended career break/go part time. They could have been together for a year!

It is of course possible that he's wasting her time. It could be that he has no reason at all for wanting to wait but just thinks he wants to enjoy another few years of being childless. Women make the same choice all the time without it being part of some Machiavellian scheme. There's no harm in having a serious discussion about timelines though, especially if your friend is in her thirties. She should probably just say that for her, she will definitely want to be actively trying by the end of next year, and then gauge his reaction.

And me

As others have said, it’s basically age related.
I’d say that as a general rule, ( obviously there will be exceptions) most men 35+ who say they want children will have children with the women they love, when she gives the go ahead.
So if a 35+ man asks you to wait, then generally speaking it’s because he doesn’t want a child with you but doesn’t want you to leave.

Exactly this. Seen it played out three times.

My husband, like many men, didn’t necessarily want children, but knew it was important to me. We got engaged and started trying after a year and a half together.
Getting engaged is the important bit for me - if he’s not committed enough to marry I would feel too vulnerable to have a child together. Albeit I think financial protections are due to come in for unmarried partners - but look into this. You don’t want to go part time to look after the kids and end up
with no money, no house and no pension if he leaves, because he had the income and you didn’t. Be savvy. Too many women are not ans their lives are unnecessarily difficult.

This, sadly

Rather than a time frame, mine had some specific things he wanted to do first, like for us to buy a house and to have a big long-haul holiday. Once we had done them he stuck to his word.

I don't really buy the idea that someone can honestly say 'I'm not ready now but I will be in 3 years time'. I'd be asking what the partner thinks needs to happen (in terms of live events) for him to feel ready, rather than arbitrary time frames.

I agree with this. Under 30 perfectly reasonable to NBR yet.

I would check whether it is a vague sense of ‘not yet’ which could easily imply ‘not with you though I haven’t bothered to work that out yet’ or a much more specific life plan with goals such as ‘I want to finish studying so that I can be a present parent’ or ‘I see myself becoming a father at around 30, when I hope to be more established at work’.

Less to do with years, more to do with circumstances I think. My DH didn’t want DC until we were more financially secure. After 7 years married, we were - and we had two in two years. Set some parameters against which progress can be measured.