Try to keep this as short as possible, and put it into a list, although the roots of this go back years. From reading this, can you see anything I can do/action/remove to help me. I would really appreciate any insight i am missing because I'm in the thick of it and can't think straight.
Context: 38 yo single mother to two boys, 11&16, 11 yo is diagnosed AuDHD. I've been single for about a decade, I've dated but no-one I've introduced to the boys. We live in a house I bought 3 years ago after a period of homelessness following leaving our beloved private rental in a small village of 9 years (LL told me she was selling and i didnt realise I didnt have to leave until notice served, turned out she continued to rent but increased the rent by 114%). I work full time. Boys see their Dad a couple of times a month. I am largely estranged from most of my family, I try to have a relationship with my Mum but its never been a supportive relationship. What I'm saying is, I do everything alone, and I have done for years.
So, the list is:
- We (especially me and eldest) hate our house. It has needed a lot of work, which having never bought before I was not prepared for. We live in the same county, but in a place we have zero connection to. The road is very busy and everyone speeds. I have to drive everywhere, including taking the dog for a walk, the boys to see friends and then collect again, the school run is roughly 45/50 minutes there and back, so nearly 2 hours out of my day meaning I have to work in the evenings and I am constantly chasing my tail. I don't feel 'safe' at home, I have a feeling of dread every time I come back. A huge new housing estate has started being built on fields at the top of our street. The house has eaten all my savings, I am literally down to my last £200. I have had it vauled, and there is some equity.
- We have a 7 year old working breed who i adore and is my shadow. My eldest hates her and wants her to he rehomed, my youngest loves her. She is a barker and doesnt like new people so it makes having anyone over incredibly difficult. I have gone through several training sessions, group and 121. Realistically I do not have time to follow through with training. She is walked everyday. She is anxious and on trazadon when necessary. I spoke to our vet who told me the kindest thing would be to rehome her, but I cant face yet another failure.
- I am chronically sad, anxious and lonely, and have physical symptoms of stress; my hair is greying, my joints ache, I am overweight, my skin is dry no matter how much water I drink or moisturiser I use, my back is in pain and I have developed a hump at the base of my neck, I am exhausted, I can't sleep. I feel like a total loser who has never really matured.
If you've managed to read my boring crap, thank you.