Bitten off more than I can chew; what would you 'cut'?

[StrippedTowel]

Try to keep this as short as possible, and put it into a list, although the roots of this go back years. From reading this, can you see anything I can do/action/remove to help me. I would really appreciate any insight i am missing because I'm in the thick of it and can't think straight.

Context: 38 yo single mother to two boys, 11&16, 11 yo is diagnosed AuDHD. I've been single for about a decade, I've dated but no-one I've introduced to the boys. We live in a house I bought 3 years ago after a period of homelessness following leaving our beloved private rental in a small village of 9 years (LL told me she was selling and i didnt realise I didnt have to leave until notice served, turned out she continued to rent but increased the rent by 114%). I work full time. Boys see their Dad a couple of times a month. I am largely estranged from most of my family, I try to have a relationship with my Mum but its never been a supportive relationship. What I'm saying is, I do everything alone, and I have done for years.

So, the list is:

1. We (especially me and eldest) hate our house. It has needed a lot of work, which having never bought before I was not prepared for. We live in the same county, but in a place we have zero connection to. The road is very busy and everyone speeds. I have to drive everywhere, including taking the dog for a walk, the boys to see friends and then collect again, the school run is roughly 45/50 minutes there and back, so nearly 2 hours out of my day meaning I have to work in the evenings and I am constantly chasing my tail. I don't feel 'safe' at home, I have a feeling of dread every time I come back. A huge new housing estate has started being built on fields at the top of our street. The house has eaten all my savings, I am literally down to my last £200. I have had it vauled, and there is some equity.

1. We have a 7 year old working breed who i adore and is my shadow. My eldest hates her and wants her to he rehomed, my youngest loves her. She is a barker and doesnt like new people so it makes having anyone over incredibly difficult. I have gone through several training sessions, group and 121. Realistically I do not have time to follow through with training. She is walked everyday. She is anxious and on trazadon when necessary. I spoke to our vet who told me the kindest thing would be to rehome her, but I cant face yet another failure.

1. I am chronically sad, anxious and lonely, and have physical symptoms of stress; my hair is greying, my joints ache, I am overweight, my skin is dry no matter how much water I drink or moisturiser I use, my back is in pain and I have developed a hump at the base of my neck, I am exhausted, I can't sleep. I feel like a total loser who has never really matured.

If you've managed to read my boring crap, thank you.

First take care of you. Have you seen a GP lately? Do and also discuss possibility that it could be perimenopause. Also check if they can give you short term pill for sleep. Do you give your self time for brisk walks or coffee with friends.
On house i cant advise much. Market is not great but if you can, sell and move closer to suport structures.

I’m sorry you are carrying so much right now but you are not a failure or a loser. You are a single mum who survived homelessness, bought a home, works a lot and has spent a decade holding everything together on your own. The exhaustion, neck pain, grey hair and aching joints isn't failing at life - they are symptoms of your age and circumstances.

I would say moving back closer to the village (if it’s an option?) would solve a number of these issues. Hating your house, dreading coming home and spending two hours a day in traffic is draining the life out of you. You deserve to feel safe in your own home again.

I agree to moving if you can make it work - although you may not get much equity from the house as the market is crap and it sounds like more work needs doing.
I'd also be telling the 16yo to stop whining. He can do some training with the dog himself if he's so bothered, and shouldn't be adding more pressure.

Definitely not a loser i think you're actually impressive single mum doing it alone, working full time, 2 teenage boys one with extra needs and you managed to buy your own home thats amazing. I agree with other posters. Move house closer to where you was before whether thats buying or renting. Also make a gp appointment just to check your thyroid, iron levels ect. And stop being so hard on yourself.

Can you sell and move back to the village, even to a smaller house. Buy if you can, don’t rent.

Rehome the dog. Its not suitable for your lifestyle and the dog would benefit from an owner who can care for its specific needs.

Both of these things would help time and stress levels.

Rehoming the dog would free up time and headspace. A relatively quick win. Reframe it as being a positive move for dog rather than a failure for you.

Moving house is not a quick solution and you may need to spend time and money to make it ready for sale. Probably worth trying, but not a quick process at the best of times.

I would

1. rehome dog
2. gp appt to check your symptoms for quick wins
3. Get an estate agent round to get an idea of feasibility.

That sounds exhausting and stressful.

The dog will be picking up on your mood, so the more you can do to help yourself feel calm and cheerful and less anxious, the easier the dog will be.

Can I suggest you get up 30 mins earlier and have that time for yourself: 1o mins yoga stretches with an emphasis on opening up the chest and throat as that will reduce the hump and help your posture. 10 mins weightlifting as it is the quickest way to strengthen and tone your body and develop muscle which burns more calories. 10 mins meditation for calming and stress relief or affirmations for self-care and self love.

That is a very long school drop off. Does anyone else near you have Dc at the same school that you could share the journey with? Are there buses or trains they could get familiar with so as they get older they can make their own way?

When you don't have a support network it is so easy to run on empty until you flatline. The best solution is to really step up your self-care and self-compassion. Prioritise moments to yourself. Maybe on the drive back from the school run you could listen to uplifting podcasts or your favourite music or affirmations, as a start.

Could you start a project where you do three new nice things for yourself each day: one physical - yoga or free online bodyweight workouts, or painting your nails, or massaging your body with cream after a bath; one mentally uplifting - watching a comedy or playing great music, a self-help podcast or you tube video, one a healthy treat - could be 15 mins with a fresh brewed coffee or tea, watching the birds or the sunset or reading a chapter of a novel in the bath.

Try to add nutritious things to your diet rather than going on a weight loss diet (maybe you could go on a diet but ime, if you are running on empty, all your willpower has already been burned off doing things for others, and you don;t need something else to fail at or to stress you. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself with the best food you can. 5 veg and 2-3 fruit a day, lean protein like eggs, white fish, chicken, pulses. If you focus on these, the weight might start to drop.

Its cruel to keep a dog when you kniw they'd be happier elsewhere OP. That's the first step you can take to make your life less stressful

A great tip from Flylady: if you hate your home - if it needs renovation you can't afford - act like you love it. Deep clean it. Tidy it. Use lamps to give it a cosy glow. Create focal points in each room, that the eye is drawn to as you walk in - maybe a vase of fresh flowers or bowl of fruit on the kitchen table, or pots of herbs on the window sill, or a throw and cushions on the sofa, or a side table with lamp, photos, a small stack of books you want to read etc. Little corners of the house that make you happy when you glance at them - that feel cosy and inviting, well-loved and a sign of a loving home.

You’re not a loser or a failure. You’re dealing with masses of difficult draining stuff on your own. You are very capable: look at everything you have taken on and managed. Everything we do is a gamble of sorts and when it doesn’t come off it doesn’t mean it’s your fault.

I would start with re-homing the dog as the right thing to do for the dog. That is easy for someone to say who doesn’t have a bond with the dog, I know. It probably doesn’t help to say that there would be positives, in the lack of barking, being easier to have people over, removing a point of conflict for one of your children, and saving the money that pets cost. But this is what I would do first.

Overall the thing that would make the biggest difference would be moving somewhere that does not make you feel dread, and cuts down the hours of driving. Is it a possibility?

I would also be clinging on to ‘all fed, none dead’ each day, and not as a cutesy joke. Anything on top of that is a bonus.

Sorry things are tough OP. Reading your story, I don't see a loser but a survivor. You own your home and have a job, your DC are doing fine from the sound of things, but you are buried under the pressure of keeping it all going.

I agree with the general consensus:

1. Re-home dog: remove all feelings of guilt and failure about this. If owning a dog brings you joy, give yourself permission to bring a different dog into your family in the future (but be realistic about whether you can meet its needs).
2. GP visit: to eliminate any health issues that can be addressed with medication.
3. Move back to the location where you were happy: this will take a bit longer but is essential to your wellbeing. Buy the smallest house possible and avoid a fixer upper at all costs. So long as the monthly payments are manageable I would look on any other financial losses as sunk costs and ignore them.

Once you are settled in your new home, and removed many of the current stressors in your life, you might see a drastic improvement in your overall health. If not, then is the time to start exploring how to make yourself feel better whether that is diet, exercise, prioritizing self-care, exploring alternative therapies, etc. You need time and mental space for that, and you don't have either at the moment, so put that on the back burner for now.

You sound amazing OP. I genuinely don't know why you're being so hard on yourself. You managed to buy your own home following a break up and honelessness?! How the hell did you manage that?!
Honestly, move house.
Move to where the boys can walk to school and back. Or get the bus and walk home from the bus stop.And if there are friends nearby they can walk to as well then even better.
If you can make it a house that needs no work, that will take so much strain off. There's nothing worse than living in a house that needs rork that uou can'tafford. (Ask me how I know!)

Then rehome the dog.

In 6 to 12 months time you could be living a very different life. And from the moment you start these steps you'll feel so much better knowing you're working towards your goal.

Don't feel alone, you're not alone!

(But rehome the dog first)

Also rehousing the dog will save you a couple of thousand pounds a year, without meaning to sound insensitive.

You've already taken the first step and it's a massive one. Writing down the issues in black and white takes a lot when you are overwhelmed and gives you something solid to work with. You're already on your way.

Rehome the dog. It's not a question of failing, it's what balls can be safely dropped when keeping them all in the air is physically impossible. Rehoming is a brave and sensible decision, not a failure.

Talk to your GP as PPs have said. Be sure to mention the hump at the back of your neck.

First you need to stabilise I think. Where can you simplify? Eg if food is taking up too much time or energy put the family on an easy 7 day meal plan for now. Review when you get bored. Cook once eat twice so do Bolognese for 6 people and eat it 2 days in a row, or major on beige food. Park the house for now, think about how to carve out some more downtime and peace first before you start a project .

I find "sleep music" or "random facts to fall asleep to", "rainforest sounds for sleep", things like that on Spotify help me to switch off. Audio books if I can't concentrate on reading.

If DS is ND, have you wondered if you are too, as genetic? just a thought

Hi OP, I agree with the concensus. You need to prioritise yourself, especially since you have no support network. Anything that is optional, I would be cutting out.

Also, this is said in all kindness, OP. Is it a possibility that you too are ND? As an adult late diagnosed with ADHD, there is alot of overlap in certain characteristics and ADHD/AuDHD.

What @SmallTreeDeepRoots said, and be kind to yourself, OP. You’re dealing with a huge amount.

Rehome the dog and move. Don't feel guilty.

Thank you so so much for your time to post, I really do appreciate it.

I know rehoming the dog makes sense on paper, but its difficult, I love her, she is so affectionate towards me, we're always together. She is also a connection to our old house and it feels like another very heavy loss. That said, as awful as it sounds, sometimes I imagine that she has died and there is a sense of relief. I would NEVER hurt her, I just can't imagine her being anywhere else.

Eldest doesn't want to move back to our old village because it is isolated, he has no friends there, with a rubbish bus service once every 2 hours until 5/6pm. Youngest has 2 friends and they both live in the village. I was going to try and move to the small town their school is in, and then I don't need to drive them to school and will just take Youngest to the village.

I am frozen with the house move. I have done a lot of work to our house, and IF it sells i will have some equity which I can use, but i need to pay for movers and to port my mortgage etc. I'm worried Our house won't sell, we live right opposite a council depot/dump! The garden is big and we have bus routes into the city, new bathroom, insulation, new flat roof at the back, new door, cladding. I look at houses everyday.

Its the pressure of it all. I don't know if I'm ND, I have peaks and troughs of 'crisis' which i think i am having now potentially. I feel in a total fog, I'm having chest pains. I can't take care of myself properly, I can barely find it in me to shower. I don't want to be off work again, I took 3 months off at the beginning of last year for burnout. When people are talking to me at work I feel like they can see I'm a loser and they're just humouring me until they can leave the conversation. Even when someone in the team call for a moan I constantly wonder if I'm saying the right thing and feel nervous.

Anyway, thank you so much. I need to start somewhere and realise there is no immediate relief here.

I’m worried you also haven’t factored in stamp duty for buying. That will be £££ on a second purchase as you get a discount as a first time buyer

Based on what exactly? She’s managed to survive homelessness, bring up kids as a single parent and buy and renovate a house.

i have two ND family members. They could do none of this.

Have you posted about this before? There was a house that came up for sale in your own village and OP was considering buying it, then it went under offer? Sounded quite a similar situation. Eldest was being quite insistent and difficult IIRC.

GP. None of this gets better faster if you dodge that.

Op, have you posted about your situation before? Your eldest abuses the dog doesn't he?

OP you are doing so well to manage all of this with no help or support. Get yourself some multi vitamins with iron. Can the kids help more. They are older.
I wouldn't rush to sell the house, the process is expensive and stressful, better to keep paying down the house you have I think.
I am sure people at work are talking to you because they value your opinion. Don't undervalue yourself. Can you access any talking therapy? Have you tried asking the GP. Xxxx