Envy is the thief of joy, part 2

[Swiftyintothenight]

I posted about one of my oldest and best mates coming into a massive inheritance (ca £30million). Life-changing money for anyone. They were already better off than we were and I was concerned that it would change our relationship. Despite them having good intentions, so far they've just quit their job and gotten some fillers. It feels like the death knell of an old and dear friendship and I'm feeling a) very sad about the loss of an old friend; and b) still quite jealous and envious of their massive wealth. DH and I have a very close and happy relationship, healthy DC and we're not materialistic (perhaps partly by necessity!) but I still haven't been to the dentist in 3 years because it's just a bit too costly. It feels like the dust has settled and my old friend isn't at all who I thought they were. Not sure why I'm posting except that I'm feeling quite low.

And I'm also feeling a bit angry at my friend, who asked me what I would do to give my life meaning if I had that sort of money. My head is still spinning from that one, AIBU?

It feels like the dust has settled and my old friend isn't at all who I thought they were.

What do you mean by this?

And why aren't you happy for your friend?

I am happy for my friend, but I also find myself very jealous. And I feel confused, someone who I've known for more than 20 years now, who I thought I knew well, seems instantly charmed by cosmetic procedures and such. (I don't want to dismiss anyone who chooses these procedures, but my friend was always quite dismissive of them and now that they have money they're doing htem?) It also feels offensive to ask me (who is not quite skint but not far from it) how I would find value in my life, if I quit my job and had an extreme inheritance.

Gosh if I won that much I would help my closest friend.

I think you're just looking for ways to excuse your jealousy really.

So she was anti-cosmetic procedures before and now she's changed her mind.

People change their minds about all sorts of things every day 🤷‍♂️

As for the question, again, I think you're looking to be offended so you can convince yourself your jealousy is her fault.

Do you feel resentful that she hasn't shared a bit of her wealth out with you?
I think that could be at the base of how you are feeling right now.

You haven’t lost an old friend. If you lose the friendship it would be down to your bitterness.

They’ve lost a family member.

You’d hardly miss an odd million here and there to help people really, would you?!

Despite them having good intentions…
Not sure what this was supposed to mean, but it sounds like you expected them to stay exactly the same,despite now being massively wealthy.

Look the reality us, most people would change their loves significantly if they came into that kind of money. It seems like the friendship might drift apart, but maybe that’s for the best, as it may only lead to jealousy and resentment.

People can be quite dismissive of things they can't afford until they can afford them.

I am quite dismissive of super yachts, but give me a couple of hundred million and I would soon get very friendly with them.

Same.

It depends on how many friends and family you want to help.

There's nothing to say she hasn't helped plenty of people already.

It's also a possibility that she senses the green eyed monster in the OP, and will want to part ways with her pretty soon.

No, to the contrary, I don't think she owes me anything. Regarding the bereavement, I'm being vague, but it wasn't someone she was close to, remarkably, it was an old, distant relative, who she hardly knew of. There was no other family to give it to and no one knew the estate would be worth nearly as much.

And yes, I do feel envy! I need a new hoover and to see the dentist. One of my kitchen cupboards is held together with tape and dental floss. DH and I work very hard and just don't have much left over at the end of the month, despite living within our means and not at all extravagantly. It is just deflating to realise how much more so many other people have. I am struggling with this feeling of envy.

The weird thing is, it might create more resentment.
I remember watching one of those shows that followed lottery winners, and one guy had been quite generous with friends and bought some of them houses, but a few years later most of weren’t really friends with him anymore. It’s like they were embarrassed by owing him something.

People are weird about money.

@Nihongopeople are weird about money but you don’t have to tell people how much you have inherited or won. I have known my closest friend since we were dc and have been through a lot together, me paying off her mortgage wouldn’t impact our friendship because I wouldn’t put any conditions on that gift.

You might as well be honest here, you’re not envious, you’re eaten up with jealousy.

This will eventually put an end to the friendship anyway.

You’ve started two threads about this and there’s nothing anyone here can do to change the situation.

All YOU can do is change how you react to it.

This.

People will always have, more, or less than other people. If she is as close as you say, then she will be aware of some things, that could be changed for the better, with your circumstances. It is not about her owing you anything OP. I would help financially in that situation, for a close friend, if I had such a massive windfall, like that.

I bet this woman can’t believe how many ‘close friends’ she suddenly has.

@NewPinkJacket yes, you're right, it is really doing my head in! It is hard to hold these mixed feelings, I'm chuffed for her but at the same time, she keeps asking my advise on how to live her life. It's sort of insulting, isn't it? I mean, I suppose I should be honoured that she trusts me with the information but it also feels a bit tone deaf, doesn't it?

We’re all dismissive of them because it’s easier than saying ‘I wish I could’.

If any of us came into that sort of money, there’s no doubt in my mind that 99% of us would have some sort of cosmetic procedure done, because why not?

Just out of curiosity...if the situations were reversed would you give her some of your enormous windfall? If I were lucky enough to acquire such a sum I would instantly think of my friends, family and a few causes dear to my heart. (Also a castle because I'm not that altruistic!)

@Damnedidont My inclination is to say I'd give a generous gift to friends and family. But the realisation that this does happen in real life makes me wonder, how would I distribute those gifts? I'd set up trusts for DC and pay off my mortgage (probably just buy a new house altogether). I'd set aside a fund for each of my nieces and nephews for education. And of course I'd like to fund some charitable work. But beyond that, where would you draw the line at giving gifts to friends? I reckon DH and I are financially much worse off than many of our friends, if I know for example, that one set is struggling to get by and another is earning a healthy income, would that make a difference in giving the my friends? I don't know what would be fair.

Same. 100%.

Or lost....especially if she is as inconsiderate to people's feelings as the OP has stated.