Advice: child custody/domestic violence

[Katey83]

I’m looking for advice. Some details vague as too outing otherwise. A family member of mine is an 11 YO child who has gone to live with her dad and stepmum because of serious domestic violence towards her and her mum by stepdad. Dad and SM now saying child cannot even visit mum in her home due to risk of witnessing or being subject of violence. They said she can have supervised visits at theirs or take her out away from the home only, which is hard for mum as she has other children. Mum is very unhappy and says this was not the deal and they can’t withhold. Child wants to visit mum at home. Mum is confident she can manage the situation to keep DD safe. Social services are not yet involved but Dad and SM are threatening it. No one wants this. We think stepmum is behind this and the no visits rule. What are mum’s rights here?

If this was my child I’d only be allowing supervised visits with the mother and siblings away from the home she shares with this man as well.
The mother has multiple children with this abuser but refuses to leave - she could if she wanted to - there is help out there if she was inclined to seek it. SS absolutely should be involved with the entire family

And? You should be grateful she has the child's best interests at heart.

You all acknowledge that there is dv towards mum and child from stepdad. Mum is INCAPABLE OF SAFEGUARDING HER CHILD IF SHE REMAINS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS MAN - she's still being abused.

Dad, stepmum and all other adults CAN facilitate relationship with mum but it CANNOT be at mum's house if stepdad is still living there.

Sounds like stepmum is the only adult stepping up to protect the child - and damn right someone should.

I'd have zero qualms about taking a similar stance for my stepdaughter. And I'd be calling SS and school on her behalf if I was remotely aware of any child I knew in similar circumstances. You all need to give your heads a wobble.

I'll say it again, mum is incapable of protecting her DD if she cannot see that having DD in the house whilst abusive stepdad is living there is not risky.

Mum has limited rights in this situation.

if and when social services are involved the focus will be the best interests of the child.

the best interests of the child involve keeping contact with parents and being safe from violence.

there is an obvious best path here which is lives with dad and step mum and sees mum outside the environment in which domestic violence occurs.

mum cannot be sure (no-one can) that child will not be exposed to more domestic violence, and there is no need for the child to be in that household as the violence is not coming from bio parent.

involvement of SS will end very badly for mum.

mum is best advised to see child outside of her household. (And separately also best advised to end relationship)

I’m with dad. Refuse access where she may be at risk, and then take it back to court.

Cant believe that mum hasn’t got rid of the abuser, it’s one thing to get stuck in an abuse relationship, but an entirely different thing when you lose custody of a child over it. Surely she will choose her child

Team dad and stepmum, seem to be only ones thinking of long term consequences. Poor girl, she needs her mum to leave the abusive partner not fill her head with how much she misses her and how she’ll keep her safe. She clearly didn’t and wasn’t so I wouldn’t trust that statement with a barge pole.

Hopefully they will call social services to protect the other children too. They are absolutely right to protect the 11 year old,
The mum has the choice to put her children first and is not currently doing that.

This is irrelevant.

Mum is making bad choices, Dad and step-mum are making the right choices for the child. It doesn’t matter who runs the household, and it is a good thing that she is making dad step up and call out mum on her life.

There is no such thing as ‘can’t’ leave. There is ‘extremely difficult’ to leave, but that is not the same. She needs to reach out to a domestic abuse charity and they will support her in escaping, if that is what she wants, if not then she will continue to subject her children to the abuse and eventually SS will put a stop to it (hopefully).

@Katey83 if you are mum, please get help, your children need it even if you don’t think you do. And if you aren’t mum, please do everything you can to get her to wise up and leave

I’m curious around why the child not related to the perpetrator is the only one being safeguarded in this situation.

If the stepdad is biological dad to the other children, that suggests they are younger and have even less ability to protect themselves (not that any child should be in a situation where they need to protect themselves from any situation!!)

But, I’m more concerned about the children still witnessing the abuse at home.

Step mum and Dad are doing the correct thing - if mum is unhappy with what is being suggested, she is able to seek her own legal advice! However, that probably won’t go in her favour.

Based on the OP's other threads, I'm guessing that this a reverse.

This did cross my mind briefly.

Then the mum agrees to the supervised visits offered.

Obviously the dad and step mum are in the right here. Are you the step mum @Katey83?

Given the OP's past discussions about her SD, my guess is that she is the one who wants her SD to visit her mum at home.

Her DH (who sounds like a good dad) will be the one with the child's welfare at heart.

Children have rights, parents have responsibilities. The little one is already a victim of domestic violence, mum choosing to make her a victim of domestic violence again shows that at the moment mum is unable to manage those responsibilities.

Its normal for children to miss birth family no matter how they are treated, this doesn’t mean contact is a positive. Mum nof wanting to see her daughter, but instead wanting to expose her to more domestic violence shows that for now contact isn’t in the best interest of the child.

There is support available for mum, but she has to want it and she has to want to put her own safety and her childrens safety first, if she doesn’t want to do that no amount of intervention will be a success.

If mum is unhappy that she isn’t be allowed to subject her child to domestic violence, I wish her luck convincing a professional that its a good idea.

Our childrens birth mum chose violent partners above her children, as a result all have been removed as birth mum chose not to keep her children safe. Still years later (the oldest is a teen), she thinks children being exposed to domestic violence is fine. She’ll never put the needs of her children first, but with tight controls she does still see them, it is of course supervised.