Advice: child custody/domestic violence

[Katey83]

I’m looking for advice. Some details vague as too outing otherwise. A family member of mine is an 11 YO child who has gone to live with her dad and stepmum because of serious domestic violence towards her and her mum by stepdad. Dad and SM now saying child cannot even visit mum in her home due to risk of witnessing or being subject of violence. They said she can have supervised visits at theirs or take her out away from the home only, which is hard for mum as she has other children. Mum is very unhappy and says this was not the deal and they can’t withhold. Child wants to visit mum at home. Mum is confident she can manage the situation to keep DD safe. Social services are not yet involved but Dad and SM are threatening it. No one wants this. We think stepmum is behind this and the no visits rule. What are mum’s rights here?

The child should always be put first. If mum is sad, so what. She needs to end her relationship and safeguard her other children.

But child is desperate to see her mum.

Then mum should desperately get rid of abusive man.
How hard is that to understand.

Social care should be involved. What about the other kids witnessing the abuse?

The mum needs to contact Women’s Aid to get help and support.

And it’s up to the adults to make sure it is safe for the child to do that. It sounds like dad and SM are trying to do that by facilitating supervised visits away from the abusive SD. If the mum is unwilling or unable to separate from the abusive SD then she is not capable of safeguarding the child unsupervised.

They are bio children of the stepdad

So? Social Care still need to be involved if he’s violent.
Or don’t those kids matter as they’re not related to you?

I was desperate to see my parents when I was removed as well. Children who are in abusive situations still love their parents.

Children aren’t good judges of situations - that’s why they don’t get to play out alone at 2 or going on overnight trips alone at 10.

Mum has already shown she can’t keep herself and the child safe. She needs to work with the Dad, rather than turning the stepmum into a villain.

And with other children involved she should seek help from Women’s Aid or other agencies to help protect her younger children.

it’s not that simple. I cannot say more as would be outing but mum cannot leave.

Stepmum is definitely wearing the trousers! Dad has not been like this before. She is in charge for sure. Of money and everything.

Then her mum needs to get rid of her abuser and make a safe home for her to visit.

So the mother should have put her children first and split from her abusive husband. She has not, she has put her own desires above the needs of her children. Shame on her.

And thank goodness she is!

If your sister wants to see her child, she needs to go to a soft play or similar to meet up. There is NO WAY the child should be back in a house with an abusive man.

You should ring social care yourself if the father hasn't done so - this is a very serious safeguarding issue and you must put the child first.

Thank goodness for the stepmum then if neither biological parent was keeping the child safe.

Someone finally taking control of a situation and protecting a child from a violent adult isn’t a bad thing.

zero need for the step mum to be made out to be a villain if she’s finally encourage the Dad to properly protect his child.

Thank goodness for the stepmum.

Clearly the only adult in the child's life who's putting the child's welfare first.

Then the mum should step up and end her relationship and put her child first.

Then the mum should go and see the child at their dad's as has been offered

Mum is confident she can manage the situation to keep DD safe

"Mum" is lying to herself. She's also putting her other children at risk. She's dangerously irresponsible. I understand domestic abuse is so hard for the abused wife, but that's why it's on everyone else to step up and get Social Care involved.

She has no rights to a daughter she's not prepared to protect; the child's safety trumps everything. Social Care would no way allow her to take the child back to the place the abuser lives.

Mum needs to prioritise her child. She's the one in the wrong here despite how you try to paint it

Well done to the Stepmom. By the sounds of things she is the only one who has the child's best interest and safety at heart. Are you the Mom? I really hope that she contacts social services and report what is happening.

The fact that you need to be told that the Stepmum is doing the right thing is very concerning.

I wouldn't want any child related (and even unrelated) to me put into that position so I'm not sure why you think the mum has a right to see the child at their home. I think the dad and step mum are completely in the right here and should be involving social services now. They are not withholding the child from the mum but are just setting in place boundaries to ensure the child safety, rightly so to be honest.

The child might be desperate to see her mum, but the mum is choosing the violent partner over her own child here but not seeing the child away from the home.

The child’s dad should’ve contacted SC as this is a safeguarding issue and they have a responsibility to report this, even if his child is no longer in the home.

your sister has a responsibility to keep her children safe. The dad (and SM) are right to stop her going to the house. If your sister wants to see her child then she needs to make safe arrangements.

Mum has valid options. Stepmum is a hero.
Mother needs to leave and get her other children to safety.
Her DD has to be happy seeing Mum under the restricted rules until her Mum's home is free from violent man.

It is against the law for children to be harmed by parents, steps parents etc.

Adults can choose to remain in abusive and dangerous relationships, like the mum in this scenario.

But the dad and step mum are 100% correct that the child must not be allowed to be harmed.

The mum saying 'I have it under control' is incorrect.

What needs to happen is someone needs to ring children services or local DV services and get started making everyone safe, and getting that man out of the home.