Addict partner travelling and I'm anxious

[Ainteazy]

As per the title. My partner has recently started treatment for addiction but is still really early in the journey. He has a new job which is great, but he is supposed to travel to an event to meet the new team/ company. I know that he can't turn it down just now, but he has admitted himself that he is nervous about attending because he doesn't want to mess up his progress. I'm super nervous too because I'll probably be worried until he gets back. He asked me to come along but I can't because I have 2 medical appointments, one of which I can't change.
Just trying to find ways to manage my own anxiety and asking whether someone has practical advice. Right now we got as far as him calling me as soon as the compulsory event and mingling is done with and spending the evening communicating. As I said it's early days and he probably shouldn't be doing this yet but how can you communicate this without making your employer suspicious.

How “recently” ?

What is he addicted to?

Alcohol?
Drugs?
Gambling?

He only started his treatment some months ago

Is he working a 12 step programme of recovery?

Is this a daytime event or an evening/overnight with socialising? What will the triggers be?

Yes, but he also started CBT

It's a full day event with evening entertainment and overnight stay. To be honest, I think the triggers will be people. He said that he won't be drinking to minimise the risk and leave as soon as the meal part is over.

Presumably he has a sponsor with whom he’s in daily contact, if he’s doing the 12 steps? And if he started this a few months ago then he should be in a good pattern of communication. What’s the addiction?

What is “some months ago” mean?

are we talking 2 months or 8 months?

Oh, girl. People told you not to do this and here you are.
Maybe he’s trying, but this shouldn’t be your problem to carry. He shouldn’t be in a relationship and you shouldn’t try to prop him up.

Only almost 3 months

Do you live with him? How long have you been with him?

I take it the addiction is Cocaine given the triggers will be alcohol and people.

I think your plan of actions sound sensible. He just need to hold himself to account and not go down the slippery slope of opening it up by having 'just one' if he's concerned about maintaining his sobriety. You won't always be there to help him through situations and this is as good a place to start as any!

Oh bloody hell. Just read your thread a few weeks ago. You’ve only been back with him a couple of weeks after a torrid history. And you have mental health issues yourself. FGS OP…. Don’t, just don’t.

I can understand why he's concerned but he seems to have a solid plan. Maybe he needs to think exactly what to say to refuse offers of alcohol and plan to develop a v bad headache or something so he can easily leave after the meal and call you or his sponsor for support. Could you travel down later?

You were explicitly told unanimously NOT to get back with him and how incredibly unhealthy and foolish it would be.

Yes, he is regular contact with his sponsor and I genuinely believe that he is trying to make this work. It's compulsive sexual behaviour, why it seems impossible to talk about without people shaming you somehow.

So he’s a sex addict?

You are concerned about a “partner”
who’s in therapy for compulsive sexual behaviour…………

he’s away for work and you’re anxious

why on earth did you think being with someone like this would be anxiety free??? Honestly some of the stuff you read on here you wonder why!

Gosh OP, his behaviour is still making you anxious. How long have you been with this guy? What makes you want to stay with him?

Then you’ll just have to put your trust and faith in him. I’m sure you know that with any addiction, everyone in the world can want the addict to succeed - but it all rests with them and how committed they are. Detach with love.

Thank you so much. This makes total sense. I struggle with anxiety and maybe I need to learn to step back and stop about things that I can't directly control.

This is exactly the right idea. If you’re familiar with the serenity prayer (and if not then please Google it) - that’s really what we all live by. I’ve been in recovery nearly 20 years and wish you and your friend all the very best.

I think it's entirely natural that you would be anxious, given his history and only recent steps towards recovery. All you can do is put the responsibility for abstaining firmly on him and remind him to ring his sponsor if he's needing support. You cannot do this for him, it's not on you to manage his behaviour, he has to take responsibility for himself. Don't be on the phone to him checking up and worrying yourself. Take some deep breaths and tell yourself this is his hurdle to get over. Keep busy and accept that you are going to feel some level of anxiety. Sit with it, acknowledge it and then direct your thoughts away to something else. Good luck 💐

Thank you ❤