Birthday grumble - give me a slap

[GrumbleMint]

I'm aware I will be given a verbal bashing and I need to hear it!

In our family, we tend to make a fuss of birthdays. It's always been this way, and it's not just our immediate family, but extended family and friends too.

A month ago, it was a family member's birthday and her DH arranged a lunch out as a surprise for her, which was lovely. For my parents' birthdays, we either go out or we host everyone at our house, and the same for Mothers/Father's Day and Christmas etc. Same with close friends.

My birthday is tomorrow, and up until this week, there's been total silence about it so I started to quietly wonder if there were any secret plans which was silly as it's not a big birthday but we've had a lot on just lately and I've been a bit low. Anyway, DH, who is amazingly caring and thoughtful, has now asked if there's anything I'd like to do to celebrate and admits there's nothing planned.

I know I'm loved by DH, my kids, my parents and so on, but I'm now wallowing in a pathetic 'woe is me' moment like a spoilt brat, and I need to stop. I've said we'll have a meal at home with the kids, and it'll be lovely, but I have to confess I feel sad that it's such an afterthought.

I know MN is a champion of 'well, organise it yourself then' or 'tell people what you want' but I don't find this easy. I don't necessarily want a big meal out or a cake and candles, I just want to be thought about. I don't need presents, or for money to be spent, but I would like to feel like I matter, without sound like a martyr.

What usually happens on your birthday? Who normally organises?
My family also make a big deal on birthdays, with a little party at the birthday persons house. Apart from the year my aunt turned 60 we hosted at my house. Parents organise for kids, partners organise for partners, anyone who is single usually sorts their own except for dad who is now a widower, one of us kids will do go to his house and sort food etc….Im actually the only one with a partner so in theory my husband should organise it but he hates all that and I actually like doing it myself.
I’d say in your situation this is on DH but as I said, depends what usually happens. I bet you throw something on HIS birthday. If he usually does something and/or you organise his, I’d be seriously pissed and asking him why not this year.

I suspect my friends will either have not realised or assumed I'm busy, and my parents and sister will probably assume I'm doing something, but I am hurt that no-one has asked about plans or if I'm free even just for a coffee.
As for hosting, I think everyone is so used to me doing it, even when it's a celebration like Mother's Day where it's my day too that they don't give it a second thought

There's a whole lot of being taken for granted there OP. Even more of a reason to stop.

Your DH is amazing, caring and thoughtful … but organises nothing for your bday when you do it for everyone else?!? You sure about that??

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, all duly noted. To answer some questions I don't remember my birthday at all last year, so I suspect it was much the same. The year before was a big birthday so I sorted all of that out myself. Birthdays before then have been much the same which is why I was determined to do something different for a milestone number.

Some of the comments have made me realise that while DH is very thoughtful and caring, it's more of a day-to-day demonstration of care than big gestures once or twice a year, and birthdays aren't necessarily his forte (though gifting is one of his love languages and he's usually excellent at that). Mother's Day is much the same but I get involved as I want to make it more of an event for my mum.

And yes, I could suggest to friends and other family members that we do something, but your comments have also made me realise how much I actively avoid suggesting that we celebrate me - it feels really self-centred, so then I sulk and feel unloved. I suspect I may need therapy...

While it started off as a moan, this post has ended up being therapeutic, thank you everyone.

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday, I hope you are having a nice day.

Thanks for the birthday wishes - I've worked all day and am about to head home and will put my feet up and have a glass of something nice while DH sorts out dinner. Yes, it's a damp squib, but I know if I want more, I need to say so and not expect people to guess.

That will be nice, perhaps watch a good film with some chocolates etc too.

They all take you for granted. Time to pull back from doing it.

Happy birthday! I hope you do have a lovely day. Remember it's not too late to do something. You can still go out for a meal, just the two of you.

As you have now realised, you do need to speak up more for yourself. Why should you feel guilty or think it's self centred for asking what are we doing for my birthday?
At the start of the month you can simply say 'have you booked X for my birthday and invited family/friends? Oh you haven't, can you please now sort it as it would be lovely to see everyone'.

Also while you are comparing how the family members organised something for their partner you have no idea of the circumstances that may have led to that....maybe they had been prompted to by their partner multiple times and then just did a oh isn't he wonderful surprising me like this act, or maybe they did it because they were making up for something and knew they had to grovel!