Birthday grumble - give me a slap

[GrumbleMint]

I'm aware I will be given a verbal bashing and I need to hear it!

In our family, we tend to make a fuss of birthdays. It's always been this way, and it's not just our immediate family, but extended family and friends too.

A month ago, it was a family member's birthday and her DH arranged a lunch out as a surprise for her, which was lovely. For my parents' birthdays, we either go out or we host everyone at our house, and the same for Mothers/Father's Day and Christmas etc. Same with close friends.

My birthday is tomorrow, and up until this week, there's been total silence about it so I started to quietly wonder if there were any secret plans which was silly as it's not a big birthday but we've had a lot on just lately and I've been a bit low. Anyway, DH, who is amazingly caring and thoughtful, has now asked if there's anything I'd like to do to celebrate and admits there's nothing planned.

I know I'm loved by DH, my kids, my parents and so on, but I'm now wallowing in a pathetic 'woe is me' moment like a spoilt brat, and I need to stop. I've said we'll have a meal at home with the kids, and it'll be lovely, but I have to confess I feel sad that it's such an afterthought.

I know MN is a champion of 'well, organise it yourself then' or 'tell people what you want' but I don't find this easy. I don't necessarily want a big meal out or a cake and candles, I just want to be thought about. I don't need presents, or for money to be spent, but I would like to feel like I matter, without sound like a martyr.

I don’t think you need to stop yourself feeling how you do.

it’s very disappointing to not receive the same effort back that you give out.

If birthdays have always been a big thing for everyone in your family, it’s natural to feel hurt when yours is the exception.

Some families don't really do birthdays and some families usually go all out. Yours is a family that makes a big deal and it's what you're used to. Id be hurt and id be saying something.

Why hasn't your husband sorted something? He knows what it means to you.

I wouldn't be hosting again either. Time to end all of that. It'll stick in your throat.

I hope he was fibbing

it’s not on if one person gets excluded

I feel exactly as you do most years and don’t think it’s unreasonable. To be made a bit of a fuss of on one day a year is not a big ask if you do it for everyone else. xxxx

Who usually organises your birthday? Your DH?

Maybe your family were waiting for him to get in touch with the plans.

You say that you've had a lot on - is this family stuff that's affecting DH too? If so, it's understandable that maybe he's taken his eye off the ball. And if your family know about it, maybe they didn't want to overstep by suggesting plans you might not have the time/energy/headspace for.

Either way, YANBU to feel a bit deflated. I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow.

Thanks so much @aperolspritzbasicbitch, @gamerchick and @brownbootsandhats, I do appreciate it.

It feels really childish to be feeling this way, as though I'm stamping my feet and saying 'but what about ME?' and I can't really articulate it other than on here. DH has apologised, saying it's just been so busy and he's so sorry it's last minute planning and that it doesn't mean he doesn't care.

I suspect my friends will either have not realised or assumed I'm busy, and my parents and sister will probably assume I'm doing something, but I am hurt that no-one has asked about plans or if I'm free even just for a coffee.

As for hosting, I think everyone is so used to me doing it, even when it's a celebration like Mother's Day where it's my day too that they don't give it a second thought.

That nothing was planned absolutely wouldn't bother me, but when asked I would probably have replied that we should all go out for a meal (so could he book a restaurant) and that he should also go to a decent bakery and buy a cake for us to have at home.

Saying that we would do it all at home with the kids would feel like being a martyr to me. He's given you the opportunity to choose something, so choose it. Don't say you want to stay at home if you don't. People aren't psychic.

I feel like this about my birthday too, so I make a big deal out of the fact my birthday is coming up for weeks beforehand and usually something is arranged, even if it's quite small. The thing is, your DH did think about you didn't he, because he asked what you'd like to do. I don't think you need to stop feeling as you do, but there's a chance people don't know you feel like that about your birthday if you don't say so. As you say, so many people on here seem to think liking your birthday is childish or not something adults do that wanting a fuss (however small) is clearly not a given. Though I confess to never having met one of these weirdos in real life.

Happy birthday for tomorrow!

Change your ways and stop putting everyone else first and stop hosting all the time! They have started to think of you as part of the furniture/staff and don’t appreciate you or what you do! It is NOT childish to feel hurt and rejected as the family and your husband have 364 days to prepare for your birthday and it’s only because you haven’t organised it that they haven’t done anything. I would make it clear that from now on someone else needs to step up and organise all these get togethers and Mother’s Day you want to be taken out by your husband and kids and spoilt like you should be for the day!!! Until you stop letting people treat you like a doormat nothing will change

So what normally happens on your birthday? Who would organise it?
Bare minimum for us in this household is Cards, Gift, Cake with Candles and lunch out.
Extras are cinema or concert if there's something on.
The person whos b-day it is has to choose thier own gifts and film though! We dont like to waste the chance to get something we really want.
I have often bought my own cake though and made sure there are candles in the house!

I'm also the family organiser, and find that I just need to be direct about things I want in this sort of situation. It doesn't feel quite fair, but it's also one of those things that is a bit unavoidable.

Thanks all, and yes, @BigBrownBoogyingBear, I think this is exactly what has happened. DH and I have had a lot on, and as a result, it's just gone under the radar. It's not about what we do, or where, it's about being thought about.

He is honestly the most incredible DH and I'm not deliberately being a martyr, I just know our family and I know a meal at home, that he will cook and sort out, will be more fun and more relaxed than a meal in a restaurant that we have to drive to and pay much more for.

Others know how I feel about my birthday and they also know me, and that I would never ask for a meal out or something because I'd be too uncomfortable to do that. But they also know that I really value feeling loved and appreciated. I'm not asking anyone to be psychic - I'm not expecting them to book a table at a restaurant I want to go to, I'm just sad that I don't seem to merit the thought that others are shown.

I know tomorrow DH will make it special - he'll cook a delicious meal, we'll have great wine and I know he will make it lovely. I may see if a friend is free or a coffee, or suggest we go out for breakfast, but I'm a little sad that it has to be me that suggests these things.

I think if this is a thing in your family it is crap that no-one has made the effort and I think it is okay to tell your husband. Don't be a martyr, you shouldn't be the one who does something for everyone else and gets little in return.

x-posted with you, I'm sure you are not deliberately being a martyr. If he is in other ways ace, maybe just make a gentle point that in future you would like the same thought that everyone else gets

I would feel quite hurt too. Being busy is a shit excuse. Happy birthday anyway and personally I would be honest and let your family know how you feel x

Why would you be "uncomfortable" to ask for a meal out in a resturant? Is it not a fun thing for you guys?
What happened last birthday?

I’m not sure what it is that’s the problem here? You’ve just said that you wouldn’t want to go out for a meal, your dh is a decent man and will make a nice meal and spoil you tomorrow, so what more do you want? I’m sure your other family members will send cards or messages tomorrow as well, and if they don’t then you have the right to be peeved. A meal at home with your family really doesn’t require lots of planning and weeks of talking about it.

It’s not your birthday yet, give them all a chance. And if you don’t feel like hosting in the future, just don’t! You aren’t required to create the entertainment for the whole family.

Enjoy your day tomorrow and remember all the times you’ve been shown appreciation in the last year. It shouldn’t all hang on a grand gesture on one day.

I wouldn't feel uncomfortable about asking for/suggesting a meal out in a restaurant. Why? Surely this is just what restaurants are for. I'd get a taxi to/from it if I didn't want anyone to drive.

If you prefer to be at home then fine, but that's a lot of work for someone and your OP didn't seem to give that vibe. It didn't appear to have been the point of the thread. You'd have preferred it if everyone had planned something, and I agree that would have been nice, though that could well have been going out for a meal.

So you organise meals for everyone else, except the family member(aunt/sister?) whose husband organises for her?

I think you are reasonable to feel upset. I would talk your husband (and kids if they are old enough) say exactly that. It sounds like birthdays are only a big deal in your family because YOU are the organiser. It’s not fair for nobody to consider you.

I think there are times when you have such a lot on that birthday plans go down the priority list. In recent years DH and I do very little for each other’s birthdays (card and a gift card and maybe a takeaway) but it doesn’t mean we don’t love each other as much as before we had young children when we had lots of time to plan days out and meals out and other lovely things. You know your husband best but I’d be tempted to give him grace if he’s great otherwise.

And I’d also try to figure out why you don’t feel comfortable asking for anything, even a meal out! Why not? Sounds like you do a lot for others, why not figure out what you want for yourself!

You say a family member’s dh organised a nice birthday for her so I’m assuming this is a spousal responsibility, rather than a group effort (bar your parents). So if you organise your dh’s birthday and he normally organises yours, you need to ask your dh why he didn’t this year. Is it possible there’s birthday fatigue?

How do you know your DH wasn’t lying and has something planned as a surprise ? Don’t surmise wait until the day

I agree with this.

My DH has a forgetful year one year so just after my birthday we talked about expectations and decided to buy each other a little something and the birthday person arranges what they want to do. This has worked well ever since.

So will you wait and see what your DH comes up with tomorrow or be more assertive and say let’s get a Chinese tomorrow night/go for Saturday brunch or whatever you like to do?

Slappy birthday to you, Slappy birthday to you,
If there's a surprise for you, You'll deserve a slap too.

🍰🕯🎁

I think it’s time for you to pull back from the hosting and organising for everyone else.
I don’t know what you and your husband have had going on recently but he’s known your birthday is coming up!