I feel like a stupid teenager again

[Getagrip2026]

Totally embarrassed to post this but I think I have to. I'm separated from STBXH and we are on a reasonable and stable path to divorce and co-parenting. DD stays with both of us 50/50 so no issues there.

I have since started a new relationship, which is more of a rekindling of a very old one, and I feel swooped up in it and head over heels. I honestly feel like a bloody teenager again and can't remember when I have last been so happy. On the other hand I also know that the guy is a massive red flag and that I'm probably going to get hurt at some stage...but I can't walk away?

Maybe it's the rebound because he is the complete opposite of my soon ex husband. Maybe I'm just a desperate idiot who seems to be drawn to a walking catastrophe, I don't even know how to describe it without sounding like a complete and utter loser. And if someone told me about this I'd be the first to tell them to bin this but I just can't.

Am I the problem? I probably am, but I'm not sure what to do about it. Or am I so scared of feeling happy that I find ways to self sabotage?

Did this happen for anyone else when they left a long term relationship or am I just completely mental? Never felt this before ever I think.

Thank you!

How long have you been separated from your ex, and what are the red flags with the new bloke?

Both important bits of info here.

Separated for almost a year but our marriage was over way before then.
Red flags (I think):

Serious boundary pushing. I don't mind it because I've been having a great time but if anyone told me about it I'd see it differently. If I say no or maybe to something he'll push me anyway. I've done some things that I never thought I would (and liked them) and also seen some places I never thought I'd do. But I still have to admit that it was driven by his refusal to take "no" for an answer.

Possible control thing. Not about me and he doesn't try to dictate what I do or wear or so but like with the boundaries he'll always find a way to get his way and I don't even know how. This doesn't just apply to me but to everyone else it seems because he just gets what he wants.

Endless energy. I know that he did cocaine in the past and have wondered if he does use it because sometimes he is so hyper that he almost bounces off the walls.

He was my first boyfriend and even though he is just a few years older than me I realised after that our relationship was never equal and that he did some things that were completely unacceptable. Different times and attitudes I guess.

Now I wrote all of the terrible things and everyone will tell me that I'm an idiot.

This is so true
take a step back and think how she is feeling

This new man sounds like an abuser in waiting. Why would you bring that into your daughter’s life?

Yes you are right and I agree.

I only see him when she is with her father. I don't want to expose her to any of this or him. Not sure how any of this makes him an abuser but I just don't want my DD to get dragged into any relationships.

Can you just keep it to casual sex with him? Assuming you are sleeping with him? Or casual dates out etc.?

Yes all casual, sex and dates. I don't think want to introduce him to my DD. It's early days anyways and she doesn't need that.

I hope the boundaries being pushed weren't sexual ones, OP, because that's not just a massive red flag — it could be sexual coercion bordering on abuse.

He sounds like an abuser to pp because of the red flags you’re kind of mentioning and then whipping away. You’ve said things like pushing boundaries, control, not taking no for an answer. He was your first boyfriend and you’ve alluded to something not being right but attitudes being different. The fact that instinctively you’re thinking this is bad but just can’t help yourself, hints at dysfunctional dynamics at play in all this. I do see how you could be intoxicated by this man after the end of a marriage, especially if it had been dead for a while, but reality and responsibility had to kick in at some point and we’ll give your head a wobble if you’ve been dickmatized!

Your kid will be exposed to him through your behaviour if you are being giddy and silly. Look no one is asking you to be a nun, but please ask yourself why you would continue to see someone that you would tell other people to steer clear of. That's literal madness. You deserve better and so does your child.

This.

I got into some inappropriate relationships when I finally started dating again post-divorce, and I REALLY wish I hadn't. I'd happily stay single now, looking back.

thanks I probably had to hear that.

Don't let your self get too carried away. This has got hurt written all over it and when you come down to earth there will still be daily life to get on with. Including DC.

You are so stupid, behaving like this, think of your daughter and stop mooning around like some daffy teenager

You need to get a grip. Yesterday. Think of your daughter, as well as yourself. This man sounds like a loser and you are a fool to even contemplate this relationship.

Is he using? Because if so, get shot of him immediately.

But you're not a teenager so let's not do stupid things if (I hope!) life has taught you any lessons.

But he always gets his way and you don’t even know how… so what happens when he wants to meet her, to move in together, wants to be a family? What happens if he wants you to have her less or wants you to bring her on holiday with you or he wants to stay over?

After all you’ve admitted he manages to manipulate you without you even realising… are you able to stop the train when it’s moving?

Come on *Getagrip2026 *- just get a grip.

Oh gosh it’s amazing to feel wanted and desired but these are the worst kind of red flags. He sounds abusive, do you mean he pushes the boundaries sexually? He is ALREADY manipulating you, he’s spotted you’re vulnerable from divorce and haven’t felt loved, he’s using that as a way to take from you. You’re seeing this clear eyed and just need to stop. And get yourself to therapy.