Wedding & DV abuser

[Birdcatdog]

I have been invited to a close relatives wedding along with my 2 daughters. The brides father is currently in jail for DV but will be out next year for the wedding. I dont want to attend if he is going, especially with my daughters but how can I decline the invite without offending the bride and the rest of the family?

Just say you don't feel safe around an abusive man and won't be able to attend.

Agree with @pinkyredrose otherwise just say you can’t make it & make up an excuse for not being available.

Just politely decline, do not say why.

Letting down your close friend because of her father? Seems like it’s punishing her for her father’s behaviour. Leave you daughters with childcare and go for your close relative (presuming you are close to them)

You can’t just politely decline if it’s your close relative’s wedding!

He’s a bastard but how is it relevant to you? Unlikely he’s going to start domestically abusing people at his daughters wedding.

leave the kids at home or just give him a wide berth. Don’t punish your family member if you’re close.

I think my answer would depend a bit more on the actual relationships involved, it’s hard to say with such little context.
ETA broadly I agree with the above, I think.

I did think about making an excuse but I would have to recruit my tween in to the lie which didn't seem fair. My older daughter wouldn't care if we dont go she is not social but the younger one is excited about dressing up and partying with the other cousins. We did not know he would be there when we first got the invite and the girls have obviously heard the family talking about the wedding so its not like I could have kept it secret.
In truth I am judging the bride for inviting her dad especially as her mother was a victim of his for years. This jail sentence is for abusing a new wife

Is the brides mother also going?
Won’t she need supportive family around her if her vile ex is going?

You dont think you can be close to someone and still be critical of their decisions?

Yes she is and thank you, i didn't think of it from that perspective

Please don't blame the bride. She was socialised and trained by an abusive man (and possibly a codependent woman). It's very difficult to break that family script and the shame should be the man's.

I would see what the mum wants. If she would like you there and you can avoid him and stay around her, it might be worth going.

What a mess.

These are interesting and helpful points of view. I could only think before this thread that bride is a grown woman now who works with vulnerable children and has daughters of her own. I couldn't understand why would she welcome him into her wedding and life.
And also i was thinking about what kind of message am I sending my daughters by socialising with an abuser.
I think I am best leaving my daughters at home and showing up to support her mum.

bride is a grown woman now who works with vulnerable children

I can't tell you how many people there are in my field who are messed up and trying to heal themselves. It's a whole section of the caring professions. Doesn't mean she's really healed anything.

See the exchanging of the vows, stay for the meal and speeches and then head off. This has Jeremy Kyle style fights, cat fights and pissed up twats smacked all over it

😂
I have been to a wedding once where there was a fight and i dont fancy a repeated experience. Not my family BTW

This one will almost certainly end up like that. Scarper post speeches

That's really sad

Do you think abusers can’t abuse in public?

because they absolutely can. You may not notice it, and if you do it may be subtle enough that you notice, but question yourself- did you see/hear what you thought you did? Should you call it out and start a fight- many abusers rely on people staying quiet to avoid a confrontation so he may even be more confident in public.

he may not physically hit anyone, but he will be abusing.

It can be very hard to close your heart to your father, even if he's a monster. I'd forgive her totally.

You don't have to go though OP, just make up an unrelated excuse if you need to or become "ill" the day before.

Of course you can. You invent a previous engagement.