Did you date utter shitbags when you were younger/go down the wrong path?

[Conniebygaslight]

Just that really....Did you date low-lifes when you were younger (late teens/early 20s) & look to be heading down a rocky road but turned things around? If so what changed for you and what do you think now you look back?

Yes, only one and it was awful and I was very young. I had a very bad home-life so I understand why. My DD unfortunately is very attracted to them and there seems no end to it. I'm looking for hope...

Yes. Multiple times. The only boyfriend who ever treated me with any sort of respect and courtesy, was when I was a young teenager. If I'd had the good fortune to meet him later in life, I would have had a very happy life and marriage. All the others - abusive, controlling, bullies who seized upon my shockingly low self esteem ( from a shitty, neglectful childhood) and weaponised it to tell me how to behave and belittle me. Sadly, it wasn't until my mid forties to recognise that I wasn't the problem; and that in order to attract the right type of man I needed to work on my boundaries first and strengthen my resolve that at the first inkling of a red flag, get rid.

Girls do need to be reminded that they have to have real boundaries and men won't ever really have their best interests at heart. A lot simply can't because they have never even put themselves into a woman's shoes and considered how their life changes with various life events, or even that they have a biological clock. If I had had some stronger caregivers around who had told me this, rather than making out marriage was the main goal, I would have probably told the first guy to f-off and not been expelled and fallen into the hands of similar men until my mid 20s.

Women have to be much tougher because there are no white knights and the men don't want to save, they want to keep you under their thumb and use up your youth. Please do keep telling her she has to be her own best friend first; they don't respect you just because you look after them first for years. You need to know you have savings and a way to get out if/when they turn.

Yes I did, but only for 2 years when I was very young. My DD is very entrenched in these type of relationship and I'm hoping she will eventually turn a corner. Looking for hopeful stories really...

Everything we say falls on deaf ears. All we can do is tell her that we are always here for her and keep everything crossed that her loving upbringing prevails. But it doesn't eve get easier.

I can vouch for OP being genuine, I recognise her from other threads on this topic.

@Conniebygaslight I'm so sorry you are still worried for your daughter. I made some terrible "choices" of partner until I was in my early 50s!

I wasn't exactly choosing them; they chose me, and things like an overdose of compassion kept me trapped. Also, a whole constellation of factors undermined my confidence in my own judgement, and that was aggravated by each bad relationship.

It sounds as though you're doing everything you can, OP. When you talk to her about her life, be careful not to do it in terms of mistakes, disappointment, or hope for a turnaround. Do you sense that she is happy in her life, or struggling to make sense of it?

Has she had any achievements of her own recently? It might sound odd but (after the guy who was into prostitutes and fetishes) I had some support from a therapist in the hospital, who was great and although I don't remember everything she suggested one was to do small things to keep me proud of myself. So I learnt to drive (which in hindsight was used as a way to control me and stop me having freedom), got a better job and moved out of the area so I wasn't surrounded by reminders. The smallest thing to show she can do stuff alone can be a milestone. I remember repainting my room when I moved and putting up all of the furniture by myself was the first time I had done something and not had him looming over me telling me how slow I was/thick etc and I actually allowed myself to feel quite proud when I looked at the finished room.

Yes I did. I think i had low self esteem for various reasons. Had a relationship with both parents who also remained together but that doesn't guarantee healthy patterns are learned.

Looking back now, I think I just think I was chasing male love and approval because of my childhood. I needed counselling and a stronger sense of my own worth and what I would or would not tolerate.

Thank you, she finally came out of the relationship she was in but not through her own choice and therefore gone straight into another with someone who is just as bad. She has no intention of breaking the cycle it seems. Just keeps giving more and more of herself.

Yes she got a decent job and we were very proud of her but unfortunately she gives all her money to these dreadful boys. She drives to pick them up and sell their drugs. Her friends that she has left have tried talking to her but nothing works. She tries to fix these God awful boys and loses herself completely.

I wouldn't call them lowlifes or 'bad boys' or anything, but yes, I dated a few people who turned out to have some unpleasant qualities - obviously they turned out to be wrong for me, or they wouldn't be exes. There was nothing obviously/openly dodgy about them. They just had bad qualities that only became apparent as the relationships progressed, if that makes sense. Eg one was an absolute arsehole when he was under even the slighest bit of stress and always made a difficult situation worse, but of course that only reared its head a few months into the relationship when a minor crisis arose.

There was no turning point - it wasn't like I'd deliberately set out to date 'bad boys' and suddenly decided I'd date someone completely different. I didn't change my type or anything. I just met the right bloke.