Did you date utter shitbags when you were younger/go down the wrong path?

[Conniebygaslight]

Just that really....Did you date low-lifes when you were younger (late teens/early 20s) & look to be heading down a rocky road but turned things around? If so what changed for you and what do you think now you look back?

O yes, definitely. A couple were not the brightest, violent, coercive and bullying and cheated on me. I did it because my parents were arguing and drinking all the time and said nasty things to me about myself. I didn't think I deserved anyone better. Plus, in fairness, a 'bad boy' seems exciting when you're young and middle class.

I married one. Got rid 20 years later once I'd got a job earning enough to support me and the kids.

Did you have a relationship with your parents?

Did you date any shitbags Op?

Yes, of sorts. But they weren't very interested in me.

Yes all the boys and men I dated from age 15 until I got married my dad secretly didn’t like any of them at all for various reasons (drugs violence abuse criminal records weirdness etc) but he would never have any opinion. If I asked what he thought of new bf he would just say I don’t have an opinion, I just want you to be happy and I’m here for you whatever happens. until I met my future husband and then finally he let out all of his opinions and feelings about the past 15 years of exes and was saying how he can finally say he likes someone I started dating. he was right though my husband is just amazing and has taught me that not all men are awful.
knowing my dad didn’t have an opinion and I could tell he wasn’t so keen but he refused to say anything bad about them was enough to make me eventually get rid of them but I knew it was my choice ultimately and was never given any ultimatums by him which I do really appreciate now he just let me work things out for myself and kept offering the support when I needed it. I hope to be the same with my children. X

Yes. My father was a dickhead alcoholic, I ended up with older alcoholics/dickheads.

my dad said he refused to say anything bad about them as that would’ve made me pull back from him in favour of the new bf and would’ve affected our relationship. I agree he’s right that would’ve happened as at the time when I thought I was in love etc, common sense seemed to disappear x

Yes. I had a rather interesting home life and pretty much thought that if someone was attracted to me it was "meant to be" - in hindsight I read far too many Bronte books. I ended up with a rather ugly low level drug dealer (who went to a not very good private school) and absorbed quite a lot of his mysoginistic viewpoints. He would tell me what to wear on weekends, he would demand petrol money because he would drive (I was 14), he would tell me what music to listen to and a lot of smaller bullying rubbish like saying my boobs were too small, I had no idea how to be feminine, no value. I think when I got expelled for having pot my parents just lost all faith in me and I became the black sheep of the family and that relationship never restored. I aced my GCSE's which no one actually cared about any more thanks to the expulsion and the ex cheated on me (with his cousin, such a gem of a man!). He went on to be a policeman and is apparently now a Uni lecturer who boasted to me recently that he gets to sleep with his students (he is married).
I then found a slightly nicer guy but gave up bothering for A 'Levels, scraped passes and then he cheated on me too. Those 2/3 years nearly everyone in my family died (natural causes) but the guilt of never repairing with a lot of them who were still ashamed by my expulsion was ever present. I then met a guy who was very similar to the first but much better looking and it felt safer to go back to being controlled. In hindsight I think I had the glory days of the CGSE's making me think that was stable in some warped way alongside a need to recreate a family as mine had all died. We bought a house, he became abusive, again controlled what I wore, when we could use appliances or heating in the home, wouldn't let me use my own salary... Ultimately he cheated with a friend of mine from work and after I forgave him that (I know!) I discovered he was addicted to some really nasty porn and was paying through the nose to have a membership and deliveries from specific fetish sites that I had no idea about. It turned out he had been going to prostitutes at a local strip club for years. I saw what was on the computer and the fetish and felt utterly repulsed. It was so bad to watch it actually traumatised me - I couldn't eat or sleep and ended up in hospital.

That was what it took for me to realise I am a feminist and don't need a man. I have been careful with dating since and had a couple of long term relationship but really they all seem to end up the same, controlling then cheating - even the so called "nice guys". I am done and cba with men any more. I can't really be arsed trying to impress anyone any more if I am really honest. Spent most of my life trying to be what everyone else wanted and it doesn't get you anywhere apart from miserable.

Yes. My first 3 proper relationships were with horribly controlling men. They were all very similar in that they broke the law frequently, went from job to job, had no ambition, treated me badly, cheated on me, used me etc.

I 100% blame my father for this as this was how he treated my mum, up till he left us and moved in with his new girlfriend. I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like and almost expected to be treated that way.
I was so desperate for love and approval from men that I was constantly hanging on to relationships that were horrendous because I was so scared of being left.

When I had my DD (I was 18) things started to change. I knew I had to keep her safe and my motherly instinct took over and I developed this strength and courage I didn’t know I had. I started standing up for myself and making my own choices.
That’s when the scummy boyfriend stage ended. When men realised I couldn’t be controlled or used.

Thankfully I met my DH and he restored my faith in men.

Yes but saying that I wasn’t an angel myself and I feel bad for some of the guys I dated when I think back on how ridiculous and over dramatic I was!!

My first "serious" boyfriend was 22 i was 16 and had sneaked into the pub i met him there , he knew my age he wasn't bothered he got what he was after then dumped me after 3 months for being "immature" i felt grown up having an older boyfriend and didn't even think about what a creep he was.

Yes. The first when I was 15. His family was dirty, his mum had severe mental health issues and he used to hit me. The second when I was 16. My first love but he was a cheat. I accidentally got pregnant to him and had a miscarriage. The third was a rebound and he was a drug addict (now in prison for murder). After those three I became unsociable for several years. Met my current partner online. He’s a high rate tax payer. We own our own detached house. We have savings. We have three children. Been together for 15 years. He is the opposite of the teen boyfriends in every way.

Life is completely different to my teen trajectory. I felt destined to be a teen mom, on benefits and single.

Yes. I grew up in care (alcoholic parents) and never had anyone care for me at all, so I was happy to lay down like a doormat for anyone who gave me a crumb of affection. As a result I was pregnant at 17 to an older controlling brute, who I ended up wasting 10 years of my life on. I had no model for a ‘normal’ relationship so I wasn’t even aware of what an awful situation it was. I thought that I was just terribly depressed and I was the problem.

I eventually left, but repeated the problem until my 30s when I had therapy and it was life-changing. I then stayed single for a few years before meeting my wonderful DH. We’ve been together 20 years now.

@Conniebygaslight did you? Odd to ask but not share why or to share your own experience.

I was engaged to one. On the outside he was lovely, had a good job. However, he put me down every opportunity, I had tobe carefu lwhat I said. Never hit me or his Mum, but used to hit his Dad. I can remember hugging his Mum in their kitchen while he was doing it.

At 6st 3lbs, I picked up the courage to leave him. It wasn't needed in the end, but he'd wait for me to arrive outside work, then at lunchtimes taunting me about new girlfriends - work actually said they'd support me taking an injunction our against him.

I do know he married a girl in a wheelchair and I often wonder if he picked her because she was more vulnerable and I know she was reliant on him financially as she couldn't work. I often wonder if she ended up being ok.

No, I dated a few lads who were from different socio economic backgrounds but they were all fundamentally good people.

I once had a date with a man who grabbed me on the neck and I got him off me and walked out there and then. He was protesting and calling me back but that was a line me - no way was I going to see him again.

I also broke up with a boyfriend as he didn't prioritise me and spent money doing something (his right!) which meant he couldn't afford to see me (his choice! But meant it was not likely to work).
He later contacted me with a different situation and we got back together happily. He definitely changed his attitude and we are married 15 years later.

I had a good supportive family upbringing and have good enough self esteem. The only time I mucked about with a twat was when I was living with a man who I later found out had cheated on me and was a total prick, I did a bit of a pick me dance but then dumped him too.

I've never been out with anyone nice.

I nearly married someone who was highly controlling if that counts. I was 24, the twat left me for a married woman.

Yes OP, in my early 20s one who was controlling and who threw me around when he was drunk - was headed to be abusive.

Thankfully I met him at Uni and when I left the distance meant we fizzled out.

Then had an emotionally draining bf, then I fell head over heels for a guy with a lot of issues.

Luckily it gave me a wake up call in my late 20s that I was attracting and attracted to men who weren't solid and dependable.so I learnt my lesson and married a decent man - wasn't easy, I had to really go against my natural instinct.

I used to fancy the knobheads, but knew how disastrous having and bringing kids up with these idiots would be. I then got with a good guy and he’s an amazing dad just like I predicted. We’re not together buy co parent and he’s one of my best friends. My DH l thinks he’s fab too.

Chose wisely who you have kids with as it will negatively affect them throughout life of it’s the wrong choice.

@Conniebygaslight Tell us about yours. It sounds like you're doing research for uni or an article

A real loser.
Then another loser.
Then a jealous and possessive one who actually drove me out of the country (for a year) to escape him.

That was all before I was 25. I have been single for the ~3 decades since. Seems much easier, especially after reading some of the stories on here.

Yup I did last boyfriend before Dh was a violent liar. Also had an alcoholic father and mother with a personality disorder.

DH is a wonderful man and I’m lucky to have met him, he was definitely not my type but he’s been a blessing, I also had to really go against my own instincts (which were just screwed up). we have a very happy family and I’m so grateful for DC growing up in a very different way to how I did.

I went out with a couple of guys who were much older than me. Not shitbags to me as such in the way they treated me but certainly the age gap was highly questionable, certainly the first one. With the second guy he was a musician and never really up for commitment either. That kind of suited me in my early 20s but also I fell for him perhaps more than he did for me. I don't think it would ever have really worked between us long term.

DH was totally different. Met him when I was sort of still seeing second guy off and on so it was complicated for a bit. There was absolutely no games playing though and I knew where I stood with him from the start. Also the age gap is only 4/5 years! We've been together since 1999, married for 22 years.

Yes, when I was younger I liked the idea of cool older men and in hindsight they were mostly creeps, sometimes violent and abusive, sometimes just a bit pathetic and not much in the way of prospects. I got pregnant by one of them although I had the good sense to leave before I had the baby and so I was a single mum from a young age.

My parents weren't as bad as some here, they aren't alcoholics but I had a distant and unemotional relationship with them and never felt able to talk about relationships.

I gradually dated better men, I had some good relationships with some OK guys who were nice enough but just not right for me. For me it was important to be fussy and not settle for anyone who was nice enough and liked me, even though I was a single mum at that point. DH is a great partner and dad, and eligible in the mainstream sense (middle class, postgrad education, high earner, sane and solvent). One thing that helped was believing in myself that he would be attracted to me and not rushing things. I wouldn't live with him until we got married because I wanted to be financially secure, and I insisted on open and shared finances from the start, with all our dcs treated as children of the family.